In my last email I proposed new language for talking about skin color. One reader writes:
“There’s a great scene in the movie “Shaft” in which one of Shaft’s cop colleagues holds a cup of coffee near Shaft and says something like, “See, Shaft, you’re not so black.” And then Shaft picks up a sheet of note paper and puts it next to the other guy’s skin and says, “And you’re not so white.” – J.W.
Freeing ourselves from racial essentialism by owning up to our humanity and nuance starts here.
Begin with the (conversational) end in mind
In Seven Habits, Covey says “begin with the end in mind.” You imagine you are at the end of life and describe what you’ve done and how you’ve lived. It’s a valuable practice. You can apply the same principle to the core act of leading (and being a human being): the conversation. Whether it’s a one-on-one with a direct report or a meeting with a team of internal customers, start by asking, “What results would I like from this conversation?” Results can include:
- Exploring one pivotal question that hasn’t gotten enough air time
- Creating a buzz in a group that has felt flat
- A shift in assessments others make of you or your team
- Reporting completion on a project
- Renegotiating a specific commitment
- Eliciting a reliable promise to a new project
- Understanding how a specific decision has affected others
- Practicing a quality (patience, courage, flexibility, etc) you are cultivating in yourself
Prepare how you will listen
Embarrassing fact: although I’m a pretty good listener much of the time, my mind still devotes inordinate time to preparing what I’m going to say next—including while others are speaking! At my best, I head this off at the pass by preparing in advance how I will listen. This practice can include:
- Before a conversation identifying what anxious thoughts I’m having about it—then taking any number of actions (again, before the conversation) to reduce the ability of these thoughts to distract me. Examples: breathing deeply from the belly, recognizing those thoughts are ungrounded assessments (not the truth), and calling to mind the person I’ll be meeting with and feeling them in my chest.
- During a conversation catching myself during a conversation preparing what I will say and shifting attention. This is both harder and easier than it sounds. The hard part for me is catching myself. The (relatively) easy part is then shifting my attention. Typically I employ a Jedi Leadership Trick called Sound Check. I focus intently on the outer part of my ears and the vibration of sounds. This helps me literally feel sound sensation, which interrupts my monkey mind and helps me tune into people’s words and feelings. This is a low-risk endeavor you can try at home!
- After a conversation, taking a moment to reflect: when did I listen deeply? When did I get distracted? This helps me prepare for the next conversation that day or with that person.
Prepare what you will say
My clients often say this is the most valuable part of working with me. Using their desired conversation results as the North Star, we sketch out a rough outline for the conversation. What type of conversation will this be: is it about sharing assessments and stories, exploring possibilities, or negotiating actions? What are the key threads of the conversation? For each thread, what do they want to say and ask? We pay attention to sequencing, the emotional charge of certain threads, and possible pitfalls. The goal here isn’t to force a particular conversation but instead to get in touch with what matters most and how to express it skillfully. This often involves a stretch, which is precisely the point. Conversations—and preparing for them—help us grow and expand.
Being half the asshole I could’ve been
I can be a jerk like anyone else, and improvement can be incremental. During a recent conversation with someone I care about, these words came out of my mouth:
“I’m not shaming you. I’m only blaming you.”
Partial credit for restraint?
Reader responds to “What I’m thinking about skin color”
In my last email I proposed new language for talking about skin color. One reader writes:
“There’s a great scene in the movie “Shaft” in which one of Shaft’s cop colleagues holds a cup of coffee near Shaft and says something like, “See, Shaft, you’re not so black.” And then Shaft picks up a sheet of note paper and puts it next to the other guy’s skin and says, “And you’re not so white.” – J.W.
Freeing ourselves from racial essentialism by owning up to our humanity and nuance starts here.
Begin with the (conversational) end in mind
In Seven Habits, Covey says “begin with the end in mind.” You imagine you are at the end of life and describe what you’ve done and how you’ve lived. It’s a valuable practice. You can apply the same principle to the core act of leading (and being a human being): the conversation. Whether it’s a one-on-one with a direct report or a meeting with a team of internal customers, start by asking, “What results would I like from this conversation?” Results can include:
- Exploring one pivotal question that hasn’t gotten enough air time
- Creating a buzz in a group that has felt flat
- A shift in assessments others make of you or your team
- Reporting completion on a project
- Renegotiating a specific commitment
- Eliciting a reliable promise to a new project
- Understanding how a specific decision has affected others
- Practicing a quality (patience, courage, flexibility, etc) you are cultivating in yourself
Prepare how you will listen
Embarrassing fact: although I’m a pretty good listener much of the time, my mind still devotes inordinate time to preparing what I’m going to say next—including while others are speaking! At my best, I head this off at the pass by preparing in advance how I will listen. This practice can include:
- Before a conversation identifying what anxious thoughts I’m having about it—then taking any number of actions (again, before the conversation) to reduce the ability of these thoughts to distract me. Examples: breathing deeply from the belly, recognizing those thoughts are ungrounded assessments (not the truth), and calling to mind the person I’ll be meeting with and feeling them in my chest.
- During a conversation catching myself during a conversation preparing what I will say and shifting attention. This is both harder and easier than it sounds. The hard part for me is catching myself. The (relatively) easy part is then shifting my attention. Typically I employ a Jedi Leadership Trick called Sound Check. I focus intently on the outer part of my ears and the vibration of sounds. This helps me literally feel sound sensation, which interrupts my monkey mind and helps me tune into people’s words and feelings. This is a low-risk endeavor you can try at home!
- After a conversation, taking a moment to reflect: when did I listen deeply? When did I get distracted? This helps me prepare for the next conversation that day or with that person.
Prepare what you will say
My clients often say this is the most valuable part of working with me. Using their desired conversation results as the North Star, we sketch out a rough outline for the conversation. What type of conversation will this be: is it about sharing assessments and stories, exploring possibilities, or negotiating actions? What are the key threads of the conversation? For each thread, what do they want to say and ask? We pay attention to sequencing, the emotional charge of certain threads, and possible pitfalls. The goal here isn’t to force a particular conversation but instead to get in touch with what matters most and how to express it skillfully. This often involves a stretch, which is precisely the point. Conversations—and preparing for them—help us grow and expand.
Being half the asshole I could’ve been
I can be a jerk like anyone else, and improvement can be incremental. During a recent conversation with someone I care about, these words came out of my mouth:
“I’m not shaming you. I’m only blaming you.”
Partial credit for restraint?