Helping others succeed in their jobs requires more than generosity. You need to understand what matters to them. For example, have you ever started counseling a direct report about his career and then noticed that he wanted to bolt the room? Or given a peer resources for her big project, then found yourself on the receiving end of a stiff arm?
That’s not fun. Surely, there is better way to give people the help they actually want. What is it?
The Case of the Runny Nose
I got a clue to this mystery a few months ago with my then four-year-old son. His nose was running, but he wasn’t doing anything about it. Like a good parent, I grabbed a Kleenex and gently wiped his nose. Easy peasy, right?
Not according to my son.
“Daddy, I want my mucus back.”
Ugh.
“It’s in the tissue.” I opened it up to show him.
“No, Daddy. I want my mucus back in my nose!”
That’s a new one, I thought. How do you get mucus back in the nose? I starting racking my brain for possible methods.
“Daddy, you are stupid!”
Could you simmer down? I’m trying to figure out a way to defeat gravity and reverse your body’s natural physiological processes?
“Daddy, why are you so stupid?
“Look, Z, I know you’re upset. Give me a minute.” Doesn’t he know that I’m working hard on his original request? I don’t have time for new questions. Plus, I haven’t yet figured out why I am so stupid.
“Daddy, why are you a butt face?”
“Z, you know that in our family that’s not how we talk about people.” This isn’t going well. And I’ve lost my train of thought.
“Daddy, I don’t like you.”
No good deed goes unpunished.
I grabbed the Kleenex, marched into the kitchen, and threw it into the trash can.
Surely there is a better way to give people the help they want.
My mistake in this situation (one of many) was to wipe my son’s nose without first asking him. I acted physically without first making an offer.
Quick primer on offers and requests
An offer is a commitment to bring about a particular result by a specific time if the other person accepts. Once they accept, you have made a promise. Sometimes we refer to an offer as a conditional promise, because it’s conditional on acceptance. In this situation, an offer might have been, “Z, I’d like to wipe your nose now. OK with that?”
An offer is one of two ways to initiate committed action through your words. The other way is a request.
A request is also a commitment. Say what? A request is a commitment to be satisfied if someone else brings about an agreed result. Once you make the request and they say “Yes,” you have a promise. In this situation, a hypothetical request might have been, “Daddy, will you wipe my nose?” An actual request Z made was “Daddy, I want my mucus back.” I would have preferred the first request!
Because I didn’t make an offer to my son but instead starting wiping my nose (which we call “performing the promise”), my son had no opportunity to signal whether or not he wanted my help. He had no freedom to choose—not freedom to accept my offer, decline it, make a counteroffer (“Hand me the tissue. I’ll wipe it myself”), or promise to reply later (“I’ll let you know in a minute after I try to do it myself.”)
As a result, my son experienced me as acting on him unilaterally rather than with him in a spirit of mutuality. That’s why he got mad at me.
Things would have gone better if I had started by making an offer…and then waiting for his response.
Lessons for organizations (and families)
- People like to choose whether or not to receive help.
- Making an offer gives them an opportunity to choose.
- To make an offer powerful, ground it in what matters to them—something they actually want or care about.
- There is no promise without an acceptance. Promise = Offer + Acceptance
- The other person is not required to accept your offer. They have four legitimate ways to respond to it: accept, decline, counteroffer (a different What and/or When), and promise to reply by a specified time.
- These same principles apply to requests. Promise = Request + Acceptance. Once someone makes a request of you, you have the same four legitimate responses.
- A request becomes a reliable promise when the other person accepts with sincerity and has the competence and reliability to follow through. If they say “Yes” but think “No,” you have an unreliable promise. If they say “Maybe” or “I’ll try,” you have a slippery promise. If they call you a “butt face,” they’re probably too young to be on the payroll.
- Healthy families and organizations create the conditions for people to feel free to use all four legitimate responses to offers and requests. And an extra box of tissues always helps.
In part two, “That time he didn’t cancel his request,” I imagine what would have happened if I had successfully placed the mucus back in my son’s nose and he had then gotten angry at me for doing this, then reflect on the power of declaring breakdowns.