That time he didn’t cancel his request—the power of declaring breakdowns

When historians look back at my son’s outburst after I wiped his nose with a Kleenex (described last week), they will highlight his rage and my awkward response. A classic case of resenting unwanted help.

But what if things had turned out differently? What if I had fulfilled my son’s request to put the mucus back in his nose…and keep it there?

And what if, during the time I was prototyping this innovation, my son had changed his mind yet not informed me?

In other words, what if, after the mucus was back in his nose, he had turned to me and said, “Daddy, I changed my mind. I don’t want the mucus in my nose!”

History books would have recorded this incident differently. Perhaps…Chapter 7: An Uncanceled Request Starts a Family War. In this rendering, roles would reverse: my son would be the villain, and I would be the furious victim.

When this happens, your reaction may look something like this: “He’s jerking me around.“ She’s doesn’t care.” “I don’t trust him.” “She is oblivious.”

Or simply WTF!

These responses are understandable yet unproductive.

Ascribing motivation to the other person in this situation has two flaws:

1. You don’t know their intent, only what they did.
2. It’s not actionable. What are you going to do, say to them “Stop jerking me around?” That won’t go well.

I prefer to call this behavior failing to cancel a request. It’s both more accurate and more actionable.

Here’s what I mean by canceling a request: Someone asks you to do something, then changes their mind or finds another way to get it done. The responsible thing for them to do is immediately reach out to you and say, “You know that thing I asked you to do? I just learned that I don’t need your help any more. I’m canceling my request.”

They can apologize, add a bunch of niceties, and so on, but the key is to say “I cancel my request.”

Benefits of canceling requests

Let’s say you are the one who realizes you no longer need something you requested. What are the benefits of immediately reaching out to cancel the request ?

1. The other person can redirect their energies to other commitments. 
2. The other person knows you respect their time, so they feel better than if you had said nothing. They may not be joyful but are less likely to be resentful. Their day will likely go better.
3. The other person leaves this exchange with more trust that you care about them. It’s good for the relationship.
4. You don’t have to avoid the other person in the hallway.

Declare a breakdown

Canceling a request is an example of declaring a breakdown. Something has gone amiss in the action you are coordinating with another person, so you are raising your hand and, without necessarily using these words, saying “Hey, let’s pause a moment here. Something’s changed, so I am canceling my request.”

In fact, it’s often helpful to say “I’m declaring a breakdown” and then go on to cancel the request. (In your organization or family, you might agree to use different terms to declare a breakdown.) 

The words “I’m declaring a breakdown” (or whatever you agree to say in your organization) signify to the other person that you are in a particular context, are about to start a particular type of conversation, and are approaching this conversation in certain moods.

• The context is that something has broken down in managing a commitment. In this case, you no longer need them to do what you requested.
• The conversation you are entering is one where you will name what has happened, explore together what’s behind this and what it means, and agree on what actions to take next.
• The moods you are bringing to the conversation can vary but are likely a combination of curiosity (“I wonder what just happened?”) and resolve (“Let’s take care of this!”). Less helpful is to enter it with a mood of resentment, guilt, or resignation.

Declaring a breakdown opens up a space of possibility for getting the committed action back on track and mending relationships.

Here’s the cool thing: either you or the other person can declare a breakdown, because what matters isn’t who’s right or wrong but who first notices that something has broken down.

Here are two forms this can take around canceling requests:

1. If someone fails to cancel a request to you, don’t silently seethe. Have a conversation where you declare a breakdown, describe the impact on you, ask for their side of the story, and then ask them to cancel their requests in the future.
2. If you fail to chancel a request to others, declare a breakdown, apologize, take time to understand the impact on them…and then change your habits. The next time you realize you don’t need something you’ve requested, declare a breakdown and cancel your request.

Other conversational moves after you have a promise

Although this article is about canceling requests, this is not the only important conversational move to make after you and another person have agreed to a committed action.

Other useful actions to take when managing commitments include

• Checking in on progress
• Renegotiating or canceling promises you have made
• Reporting completion when you’ve delivered on the promise
• Declaring satisfaction (when the other person has delivered what they promised)
• Making a responsible complaint (when you think they haven’t)
• Checking your assumptions about what you originally agreed to.

Each of these actions serves an important function in bringing about positive results, preserving trust, and increasing freedom and dignity in the organization.