Podcast

Hi Friends,

Isn’t today the day you hit Reply and let me know what you think?

I get interviewed about conversation micro-habits for leading people through organizational transitions

How can small shifts in our conversations bring big outcomes? Tarun Stevenson and I had fun exploring this. We talked about conversation micro-habits leaders can use to calm people’s nervous systems, meet their social needs (think David Rock’s SCARF model), guide them through transitions, and tell All of Us stories in which everyone is a protagonist. Listen to the podcast or watch on YouTube. 

I work with teams, but not like the old days

“I didn’t realize you worked with teams,” an old friend and colleague said to me a few weeks ago. “I thought you just did one-on-one coaching.”

It’s true. After cutting my teeth facilitating groups in the late 1990s and early 2000s (e.g. strategic planning for the Fort Mason Center in San Francisco), for the next decade I did almost exclusively one-on-one coaching. This changed a half dozen years ago when I began to wonder, “What would it be like to do this with entire teams?” Recent clients include the senior team in a growing B Corporation committed to sustainability, a college executive team focused on engaging and retaining managers to improve student outcomes, and the senior team in a growing division within a Fortune 100 company.  

What’s different now compared to the “old days?” I don’t accept requests for pure facilitation. Every engagement needs to support people’s growth. Why? One, because it works better. Two, because not doing so is painful. The key is to learn while doing, to grow while engaged in actual work. My colleague Jeannie Coyle calls this “tucking development into performance.” 

Twice as good

Black American physicians

A recent Linked In thread highlighted Black American doctors and nurses. One person commented on the excellent care she had received from a team that was entirely Black American. Another questioned the premise: why should culture or ethnicity matter?

My take: 

1. I’m equally pleased by good care no matter who provides it.
2. However, our brains have cognitive biases that interfere with our ability to make grounded assessments of others. This happens not because we’re racist (though we may have racist ideas floating through our minds and lodged into our bodies), but because we’re human.
3. Cognitive bias can reduce the benefits I receive from care if the provider is Black American and I’m not. Here’s the irony: this can happen in spite of that person’s competence. First, I may avoid an otherwise competent physician and potentially end up in the hands of someone less capable. Second, let’s say I don’t avoid them. My cognitive bias may cause me to distrust the physician’s competence even while receiving great care from her.  Due to the mind’s role in health, this can have a “nocebo” or reverse-placebo effect. Either way, I lose. 
4. Here’s the irony. By the time a Black American physician is at my bedside, that person likely has had to be twice as good as everyone else. (And, yes, incompetent physicians come from every culture and every skin hue).
5. So, if I had half a brain (or half as much cognitive bias), I’d trust a Black American physician’s competence more, not less.

Five axioms about our racial reckoning

• The actions required to defeat racism are more complex than those proposed by the anti-racism crowd
• The good white person ID card may look like a passport but it’s actually a ticket to hell
• Self flagellation is not an effective way to cultivate virtue
• What if all of us combating racism spent half as much time undermining its fallacious premises as we did fessing up that it exists within us?
• Arguing that there has been little racial progress may feel like standing nobly in the truth of our present predicament. What it actually does is say to generations of Black Americans who have led that progress against great obstacles: I don’t see you. I don’t see what you’ve done. You are invisible to me.

Hi Friends,

I hope you enjoy this week’s actionable insights. Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

When collaboration fails, use other forms of power

Collaboration is important, but what if you are interacting with someone who abuses power—not just once but over and over? Is this the time to employ (and practice) your skills in difficult conversation? It could be, but only once and mainly to ground your assessment about their abuse. After someone proves they don’t play fair even when you bring your best, it’s time to employ other forms of power. 

This can be as simple as bringing into the room another person, often a senior leader with authority and resources you don’t possess. Recently, a client of mine (a senior leader in her own right) did this. Suddenly, the person giving her trouble started cooperating. It felt miraculous. And stuck.

Another approach is to use institutional rules. “Reporting” someone may feel awkward or even childish to you, but this is why rules exist, and sometimes it’s your best move. Years ago, a client of mine had a boss who criticized him harshly in public. One day, my client wondered aloud in front of the boss whether it was time to bring in HR. The boss not only cleaned up his act but entrusted my client with more autonomy over a customer engagement worth tens of millions of dollars. 

These approaches don’t always work. All over there are people acting like assholes without repercussions. But, seriously, can you name anything in life that always works? Our goal here isn’t to guarantee a better outcome, but to improve the odds in getting one. As Greg Thomas explained to me, sure, life is a low down dirty shame—now, what are you going to do about it? 

Here’s the lesson: assume the best in others until they give you consistence evidence otherwise. Then reach into your bag for other forms of power—and use them. You’ll get more traction, and the other person might just be nudged into better behavior that serves their long term self-interest.

What other forms of power have you used? Stories welcome.

“Is that paint or blood?” and other clarifying questions

Recently after repainting our red porch, I visited a nearby Mediterranean food cart for a late dinner. As I was preparing to pay, the owner pointed at me and asked, “Is that red paint or blood?” “Great question,” I replied. “It’s nighttime, and nobody’s around. You want to know who you’re dealing with. Makes total sense. And it’s paint.” “No,” he said. “It’s not that. I don’t care what you did before you got here. If it’s blood, I’ll need to wash my hands.”

Morals of the story?

1. When others ask clarifying questions, it’s not always obvious why.

2. When you ask a clarifying question, it can be useful to frame it with a few words explaining why you are asking.

What I’m reading

Healing Collective Trauma by Thomas Hubl. Some of us are learning to heal our own intergenerational trauma. For a good illustration, listen to my interview with Diane Woods about racialized body trauma and the work of Resmaa Menakem. Some are learning to empathize with others’ trauma. Consider the wakeup call many Americans received after George Floyd’s death and again now with the trial. Hubl’s book shows us how to bring light to the darkness, not by bypassing trauma but exploring it together with skilled and grounded guides. 

One of the best lessons from this book: Own your part of trauma. Don’t own it all. And even with your own part, you don’t need to carry it alone. 

From the Vault: “ASAP is a Four-Letter Word.”

I curse periodically with clients. It’s part habit, but mostly deliberate. People learn better when relaxed, and nothing relaxes the rational mind like a well-timed four-letter word. 

But there’s one four-letter word you’ll never hear me say: ASAP. 

In this short piece, I explain why.

In my last email I proposed new language for talking about skin color. One reader writes:

“There’s a great scene in the movie “Shaft” in which one of Shaft’s cop colleagues holds a cup of coffee near Shaft and says something like, “See, Shaft, you’re not so black.” And then Shaft picks up a sheet of note paper and puts it next to the other guy’s skin and says, “And you’re not so white.” – J.W.

Freeing ourselves from racial essentialism by owning up to our humanity and nuance starts here.

Begin with the (conversational) end in mind

In Seven Habits, Covey says “begin with the end in mind.” You imagine you are at the end of life and describe what you’ve done and how you’ve lived. It’s a valuable practice. You can apply the same principle to the core act of leading (and being a human being): the conversation. Whether it’s a one-on-one with a direct report or a meeting with a team of internal customers, start by asking, “What results would I like from this conversation?” Results can include:

• Exploring one pivotal question that hasn’t gotten enough air time
• Creating a buzz in a group that has felt flat
• A shift in assessments others make of you or your team
• Reporting completion on a project
• Renegotiating a specific commitment
• Eliciting a reliable promise to a new project
• Understanding how a specific decision has affected others
• Practicing a quality (patience, courage, flexibility, etc) you are cultivating in yourself

Prepare how you will listen

Embarrassing fact: although I’m a pretty good listener much of the time, my mind still devotes inordinate time to preparing what I’m going to say next—including while others are speaking! At my best, I head this off at the pass by preparing in advance how I will listen. This practice can include:

• Before a conversation identifying what anxious thoughts I’m having about it—then taking any number of actions (again, before the conversation) to reduce the ability of these thoughts to distract me. Examples: breathing deeply from the belly, recognizing those thoughts are ungrounded assessments (not the truth), and calling to mind the person I’ll be meeting with and feeling them in my chest.
• During a conversation catching myself during a conversation preparing what I will say and shifting attention. This is both harder and easier than it sounds. The hard part for me is catching myself. The (relatively) easy part is then shifting my attention. Typically I employ a Jedi Leadership Trick called Sound Check. I focus intently on the outer part of my ears and the vibration of sounds. This helps me literally feel sound sensation, which interrupts my monkey mind and helps me tune into people’s words and feelings. This is a low-risk endeavor you can try at home!
• After a conversation, taking a moment to reflect: when did I listen deeply? When did I get distracted? This helps me prepare for the next conversation that day or with that person.

Prepare what you will say

My clients often say this is the most valuable part of working with me.  Using their desired conversation results as the North Star, we sketch out a rough outline for the conversation. What type of conversation will this be: is it about sharing assessments and stories, exploring possibilities, or negotiating actions? What are the key threads of the conversation? For each thread, what do they want to say and ask? We pay attention to sequencing, the emotional charge of certain threads, and possible pitfalls.  The goal here isn’t to force a particular conversation but instead to get in touch with what matters most and how to express it skillfully. This often involves a stretch, which is precisely the point. Conversations—and preparing for them—help us grow and expand.

Being half the asshole I could’ve been

I can be a jerk like anyone else, and improvement can be incremental. During a recent conversation with someone I care about, these words came out of my mouth:

“I’m not shaming you. I’m only blaming you.”

Partial credit for restraint?

Reader responds to “What I’m thinking about skin color”

In my last email I proposed new language for talking about skin color. One reader writes:

“There’s a great scene in the movie “Shaft” in which one of Shaft’s cop colleagues holds a cup of coffee near Shaft and says something like, “See, Shaft, you’re not so black.” And then Shaft picks up a sheet of note paper and puts it next to the other guy’s skin and says, “And you’re not so white.” – J.W.

Freeing ourselves from racial essentialism by owning up to our humanity and nuance starts here.

Begin with the (conversational) end in mind

In Seven Habits, Covey says “begin with the end in mind.” You imagine you are at the end of life and describe what you’ve done and how you’ve lived. It’s a valuable practice. You can apply the same principle to the core act of leading (and being a human being): the conversation. Whether it’s a one-on-one with a direct report or a meeting with a team of internal customers, start by asking, “What results would I like from this conversation?” Results can include:

• Exploring one pivotal question that hasn’t gotten enough air time
• Creating a buzz in a group that has felt flat
• A shift in assessments others make of you or your team
• Reporting completion on a project
• Renegotiating a specific commitment
• Eliciting a reliable promise to a new project
• Understanding how a specific decision has affected others
• Practicing a quality (patience, courage, flexibility, etc) you are cultivating in yourself

Prepare how you will listen

Embarrassing fact: although I’m a pretty good listener much of the time, my mind still devotes inordinate time to preparing what I’m going to say next—including while others are speaking! At my best, I head this off at the pass by preparing in advance how I will listen. This practice can include:

• Before a conversation identifying what anxious thoughts I’m having about it—then taking any number of actions (again, before the conversation) to reduce the ability of these thoughts to distract me. Examples: breathing deeply from the belly, recognizing those thoughts are ungrounded assessments (not the truth), and calling to mind the person I’ll be meeting with and feeling them in my chest.
• During a conversation catching myself during a conversation preparing what I will say and shifting attention. This is both harder and easier than it sounds. The hard part for me is catching myself. The (relatively) easy part is then shifting my attention. Typically I employ a Jedi Leadership Trick called Sound Check. I focus intently on the outer part of my ears and the vibration of sounds. This helps me literally feel sound sensation, which interrupts my monkey mind and helps me tune into people’s words and feelings. This is a low-risk endeavor you can try at home!
• After a conversation, taking a moment to reflect: when did I listen deeply? When did I get distracted? This helps me prepare for the next conversation that day or with that person.

Prepare what you will say

My clients often say this is the most valuable part of working with me.  Using their desired conversation results as the North Star, we sketch out a rough outline for the conversation. What type of conversation will this be: is it about sharing assessments and stories, exploring possibilities, or negotiating actions? What are the key threads of the conversation? For each thread, what do they want to say and ask? We pay attention to sequencing, the emotional charge of certain threads, and possible pitfalls.  The goal here isn’t to force a particular conversation but instead to get in touch with what matters most and how to express it skillfully. This often involves a stretch, which is precisely the point. Conversations—and preparing for them—help us grow and expand.

Being half the asshole I could’ve been

I can be a jerk like anyone else, and improvement can be incremental. During a recent conversation with someone I care about, these words came out of my mouth:

“I’m not shaming you. I’m only blaming you.”

Partial credit for restraint?

Hi Friends,

It’s too late in the year to start acting all shy. Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

What I’m reclaiming

Here’s a lesson I continue to learn: whereas pushing anger down makes you feel low (it literally depresses emotion), reclaiming anger boosts life force. Anger in the body is heat. If you don’t turn it against yourself or others, it can warm your heart and mobilize you to act. This starts with attention. Focus on the physical reality of anger. Not who you’re angry with or why but where anger has taken up residence in your body. Get to know this place. 

What I’m saying to amuse myself

Rent your new personal growth practice before you own it

Men don’t give their kids child care. They father

Yesterday’s unclear request is tomorrow’s clenched jaw

Want to avoid being an asshole? Know the exact actions that make you one 

What happens in (the) Vagus (nerve) never stays in Vagus

What I’m teaching our sons

On a rainy walk home from a brief outing, we discussed the difference between assertions and assessments. When you call your brother “short” or “stupid” (or “tall” or “smart”), I pointed out, that’s an assessment. You can’t prove it’s true, but you can ground it with evidence. An assessment with evidence is a grounded assessment. 

“What if I provide evidence he is stupid?” the older one asked. That, I replied, would be a grounded, but unkind, assessment. Why not simply say he hasn’t learned Calculus. That would be an assertion—in this case, a true one.

“What would it be,” he responded, “if I told you that I just said he was stupid.” Another true assertion, of course. 

At this point, I said that even I was confused. This, I couldn’t resist pointing out, is a declaration, a speech act that plays by yet another set of rules.

“Then I declare independence,” the younger son said. I reminded him that declarations gain power from the authority of the person making them. At age eight, he lacked the necessary authority. Although he didn’t like this, he accepted it. Then we walked up the stairs and out of the rain.

What I’m reading

Our Malady: Lessons in Liberty from a Hospital Diary by Timothy Snyder. I’ve now read seven books by this Yale historian. Our Malady is the most personal. It is about how rage and empathy sustained him through a near fatal bout of sepsis almost exactly one year ago, how distracted and mistake-prone physicians are a feature, not bug, of the American healthcare system, how human freedom depends on a robust social safety net, and how the death of local reporting increased deaths from opioid and Covid. We are reminded that a “white” man’s life can literally hinge on whether strangers trust the competence and sincerity of an African American woman. Here, as in his other books, Snyder writes lucid prose and illuminates unseen connections. 

What I’m learning about “cultural appropriation” 

“We should resist using the term “cultural appropriation” as an indictment. All cultural practices and objects are mobile; they like to spread, and almost all are themselves creations of intermixture…whatever your origins…you [can] enter deeply into other forms of life, but you [have] to put in the work…This project can start with the recognition that culture is messy and muddled, not pristine and pure. That it has no essence is what makes us free.”

—Kwame Anthony Appiah, from The Lies That Bind: Rethinking Identity

Hi Friends,

I hope you enjoy this week’s actionable insights.

Which of these articles do you want to read?

“Navigating complexity starts with owning the morning”
“How to watch out for assholes without becoming one.”
“Seven ways to reduce conversational wear and tear”
“How to create an island of goodness.”
“The first conversation with your new boss.”
“The first conversation with a new member of you team.”
“Nine barriers to getting into flow— an Enneagram perspective.”
“Want to make powerful offers? Stop expecting people to read your mind.”

Hit Reply
Don’t be shy
Let me know
Before you go!

The curse of never reporting completion

It’s no fun when someone breaks a promise to you by delivering late and/or not what you agreed. I’ve written about this before. But consider the opposite: the person does what they committed to but never tells you. Sound familiar? I call this failure to report completion. It happens all the time, wreaking havoc.

If you manage people, you owe it to yourself to ask them to report completion clearly and consistently. Now, I’m not arguing for another 175 emails a day. Find a method and timing that works for both of you. The good news is that this allows you to stop worrying or nagging and move things forward.

In case you missed these podcast interviews

Charlie Gilkey interviews me on Productive Flourishing about the three kinds of conversations, how to renegotiate commitments, and how the Enneagram helps navigate conversations here, and Wendy Bittner asks me how we simplify racial identity in America on Not Simple here. More new interviews coming soon!

What I’m reading

Mobilize! Dancing in the World by Chauncey Bell. The conversation micro-habits I design for leaders are super practical yet they stand on a solid foundation. This book illuminates that foundation through vivid stories from the author’s long career as a consultant provocateur. 

In Search of Our Roots by Henry Louis Gates, Jr.. Nineteen Americans from Chris Rock to Oprah discover their roots through genealogy and DNA testing. Each story is unique, complex, and filled with drama and intrigue. If you’re ready to test drive life as an anti-race anti-racist, you’ll find support for both parts of that here.

Antidote to simplistic antiracist or racist interpretations of American history

“Normal, regular black people went about their business each and every day. They loved and hated, worshipped and sinned, worried and aspired. They were defeated in a shockingly depressing number of ways, yet they triumphed as individuals, as families, as a people. Together they created a culture, one of the world’s great cultures.”

—from In Search of Our Roots

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

Available for podcast interviews

Being interviewed is fun and a great way to learn. That’s my conclusion after accepting several invitations in recent months from podcasts I respect, like the interview below and an upcoming one with Not Simple about racial identity that taps themes from my articles about White Fragility. Each conversation helps me flesh out ideas and practices waiting to burst forth. More, please!

Translation: keep the interview requests coming. I could say more about what I’m looking for—and not—but the “right” shows and hosts seem to be finding me. Such is the blessing of being connected to people like you who dance with complexity, sing with nuance, and stomp to the beat of practical wisdom. 

Conversational mojo

Charlie Gilkey interviewed me about conversational skills for the Productive Flourishing podcast. We riff on quite a range of areas, including the Enneagram, deliberate practice, and how to include many parts of yourself in speaking and listening. It was a joyful ride and filled with surprising insights. Listen to the interview.

Increase the odds of being your best

Every day you show up as a leader, you place a bet. 

It may not be conscious, but it’s real.

Your bet is that the leadership approach you are now taking will produce the results you’ve committed to delivering. Wouldn’t it be nice to increase the odds of this bet paying off?

Let’s say you’ve taken on a big new role. What if, instead of having a 50 percent chance of earning your new team’s trust, you could increase that to 80 percent?

This would be worth something to you.

This is the promise of a customized, actionable approach to growing your leadership. Learn more about working with me here.

My content—curated and organized

Want an easy way to access my best writing and podcast episodes on different topics (conversation micro habits, women in leadership, climate change, racial identity, and growing up as adults)? I’ve got you covered here.