Words that work

Three ways in complex times to ensure you’re in the same conversation with others (April 2, 2020 issue)

by amiel · Apr 2, 2020

Hi Friends,

I hope you find this week’s actionable insights relevant to your life in these complex times.

Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

Covid-19 and the end of the Billionaire/Navy Seal exemplar

In books about leadership and high performance, billionaires and Navy Seals are everywhere. This billionaire shows you how to optimize your energy. That team of Navy Seals demonstrates group flow states. Sexy sells, and publishers and authors assume that you and I consider these the sexiest role models.

At least up until now.

I hope that Covid-19 changes this. Isn’t it time to give billionaires and Navy Seals a rest? Can we let tomorrow’s examples of leadership and performance come from the health professions, medical supply logistics, the quality movement, grocery store supervisors, and home delivery?

Do this, and we’ll learn new ways of coordinating action, building trust, and embodying our deepest virtues.

In stressful times, ensure you’re in the same conversation as everyone else

Classic Seinfeld moment: Jerry and Elaine are in the diner. Jerry’s describing a bizarre incident from his day. Elaine is talking about something else. Neither is listening to the other. They go back and forth like this for 30 seconds. It’s so ridiculous that we laugh.

This happens constantly in organizations. You’re in a meeting with five other people. You think you’re in the same conversation, but you’re actually in five different conversations. One person is brainstorming. Another is assessing a past event. Yet another is negotiating what to do next. And so on.

Isn’t it hard enough to understand each other when we’re in the same conversation?

Name the Conversation, a leadership micro-habit

Example: People hear you say three words, interpret it as a request, and then rearrange their priorities to make you happy. Three weeks later, you discover this and say, “…but I was just thinking out loud!”

If this has happened to you, you’re not alone. As you rise in the organization, this misinterpretation occurs more quickly and by more people. You think you’re exploring possibilities. Everyone else thinks you want something done.

There’s a conversational micro-habit perfect for this situation. I call it Name the Conversation. Here are the steps:

Name the Possibility Conversation. Before you think out loud, say “This is a possibility, not a request” or “Let’s have a possibility conversation about this.” People will put down their To Do Lists and join you in imagining “what if.”
Name the Request. Before you ask someone to do something, say “I have a request.” This will signal to people that it’s time to listen for the what, when and why of what you are asking—and ask for clarification if they don’t understand.
Self-correct. If you forget steps 1 and 2 and leap into the conversation (which at first you will do 98% of the time out of habit), no worries. Simply pause the conversation and clarify your intent. “Just to be clear, I’m making a request.” Or “Let me clarify: right now, I’m not asking you to do anything. Let’s just explore options.”

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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Seven pivotal conversations to have this week with colleagues and family

by amiel · Mar 18, 2020

Dear Friends,

Surreal and uncertain times call for deep attention to what conversations we have, with whom, and why. Here are seven conversations you may find valuable having with your family, team, and colleagues this week while working from home.

Hit Reply and let me know what you think or which you may try.

When under stress, I turn to humor

Stephen Colbert did a monologue from his bathtub. My instinctual response was to create two things for the first time:

A guide to mansplaining in an era of the coronavirus. Forget about me as the host of an interview series on women in leadership. Here I play the clueless and offensive mansplainer. Currently available only on request.
A Public Service Announcement. This one I’ll share with you: “Six feet apart or six feet under. The choice is yours.”

Seven pivotal conversations to have this week with colleagues and family

1. “What matters conversations”

In stressful times, this is the one you’re most likely to skip. Please don’t. The “what matters conversation” involves slowing down and talking about what’s important to member of your family or team right now. Doing this has two benefits. First, it forces you—and everyone else—to pause and reflect on what you care about and what concerns you. Second, it helps you know what new worlds you are now speaking into. The child, spouse, or teammate in front of you today is in some ways a different person from the one of only a week ago. The key is to carve out time, say 30-60 minutes, go around the circle/screen, let each person share, and ask clarifying questions to understand.

2. “Possibility conversations”

This is where you explore “what if” scenarios without any pressure to commit. A few weeks ago, my wife and I had a possibility conversation around the question, “What if one of us had to self-quarantine for two weeks?” Last Thursday, we had one around, “What if we were to go to the mountain for the day for cross-country skiing?” In the workplace, you might have possibility conversations around scheduling daily 5 minute check-ins with each person on your team, canceling a planned initiative, or opening up a new collaboration with a division with whom suddenly you have vested interests. Again, this conversation is not a time to make requests or offer to do things. Stick with exploring “what if.”

3. New requests

Great, your team has had a positive possibility conversation around scheduling daily one-on-ones. The more you’ve listen, the more you like the idea. Now, you can take this possibility into action by making a new request: “I’d like to ask each of you, by 6pm today, to schedule a daily 5 min check-in with me between 8am and 5pm PST starting tomorrow and continuing through March 31.” Remember that an effective request has a clear What, When, and Why. And it only becomes a promise when the other person accepts. So consider ending your request by asking each person, “Would you be willing to do this?”

4. New offers

In a “what matters conversation” with your spouse, you realized that she really needs 2-3 hours alone in a quiet house. So you now look at your schedule, hers, and the kids,’ and make an offer. “Tomorrow, from 4 to 6pm, I’d be willing to take the kids on a long bike ride so you can have the house to yourself. Would you like me to do this?”

5. “You can say no or counteroffer”

If you want people to give real Yes’s, you have to make it safe for them to say No or propose a different timeline or outcome. I learned this when I was 22 years old and working for a senior health care leader—a guru of sorts who managed big budgets and testified before Congress. “Amiel,” he would say, “I’d like to ask you to do something. You can say no.” Hearing this surprising statement forced me to think—to not blindly agree but instead assess whether or not I could commit to what he was asking and the deadline. This gave me more freedom (which I liked) and raised the odds of my promises being reliable (which he liked). Every time we went through this, I matured a bit. The “you can say no or counteroffer” conversation is most important when making requests to people who have less authority than you and/or habitually say Yes.

6. Renegotiation of commitments

Everyone has been moving face to face conversations to virtual. Our family has also been shifting play dates to Zoom. These are examples of what I call “renegotiating commitments.” You can renegotiate the What and/or the When. Two tips:

Start with the phrase, “I’d like to renegotiate our agreement to___” because (a) it signals what’s kind of conversation you’d like to have and (b) it reminds you and them that your relationships rises and falls based on the quality of your commitments to each other.
End with “Would this work for you?” Just as it takes two to make a commitment, it takes two to renegotiate one.

7. Cancellation of commitments with integrity

The past few days have witnessed the most momentous cancellation of commitments in my lifetime. Have you noticed that some people and organizations are better at this than others? Canceling commitments as soon as you realize you can’t deliver—and doing this skillfully—is important for two reasons: first, it allows the “customers” of these commitments to reassess the situation and explore other ways of getting their needs met; second, it preserves trust in the relationship. In my unpublished book Reliable Results (email me if you want a copy), I suggest three steps in canceling commitments with integrity

Explicitly cancel. “I will no longer be able to_____ as I had promised.”
Provide the context or rationale
Make it clear you are open to new requests now or in the future (to the extent this is true)

I hope these are helpful!

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Three questions on my mind today [new post]

by amiel · Aug 9, 2017

It’s been over a month since I’ve shared a podcast episode or blog post. How are you doing? What questions are on your mind?

Here are three questions that I’ve been wrestling/playing with in different domains of my life:

Executive coaching. How can I support and challenge leaders to practice new conversations on the job?

For the past fifteen years, my work has been guided by a simple premise: all the leadership wisdom in the world matters little unless it shows up in how leaders speak and listen on the job.

How do you know you are a better leader? By shifting the conversations you have and quality of presence you bring to them.

The challenge is how to do this in organizations that devalue preparation, reflection, and feedback (three phases of what I call the “on-the-job practice cycle,” the fourth phase being action); with bosses who rarely had role models for this themselves; and in a culture that squeezes out the inner life.

It’s a big hairy challenge!

Here’s one experiment I’ve been inviting leaders to try:

Designate a specific meeting each day as a practice field. Mark it on your calendar.
Start that meeting by quickly grounding in the body.
Look for opportunities in that meeting to practice specific words, body movement, and breath.
Ask a trusted colleague to give you feedback shortly after the meeting about the specific actions you want them to observe. Ideally, ask them in advance so they are prepared.
Briefly reflect in writing after the meeting—or at the next brief break—about what happened and what you can learn from it.

What can I do to increase the frequency and quality of this practice? What visual, auditory or kinesthetic cues could help? Is there an iPhone app for this?

Organizational consulting. In working with an entire organization, where do my interventions have the greatest impact?

During my first ten professional years, I exclusively consulted. During the second ten years, I did mostly one-on-one executive coaching. The past few years have seen a mix of the two. I’ve worked with entire leadership teams, advised executives and HR about system-wide succession planning and leadership development, shadow coached teams in action, and simply hung around waiting for people to pull me over for a question or request.

I think of these less as services than as experiments in having impact.

Where is my time best spent—and who gets to decide this? How do I assess requests coming my way, and what guides me in making counteroffers and new offers? Since I have to make a living and like being respected, how do money and public identity play into all of this?

Public Calling. In the age of DJT (my abbreviation for the current U.S. president’s name), how might I redirect my energy toward a better global future?

I’ve made no secret of my opinion of the current President and the grave threat he brings each day he remains in office. A lot of my writing and podcasting has been devoted to this topic. And for years, I’ve felt dedicated to promoting clean energy, slowing global warming, and supporting community resilience. Yet with a few notable exceptions, these commitments have shown up more in my public voice than in my day-to-day client work, and my public participation itself has been sporadic and, by my assessment, of negligible impact.

So, looking at the next six months—and, beyond that, the next few years—what’s possible? How might these commitments find expression in my coaching and consulting? If I were to invest more time on my public voice, what forms might this take? How about a daily podcast devoted to high-quality interviews on topics of broad public interest (likely at the intersection of politics and leadership) to attract listeners and sponsors?

These are three questions on my mind today.

Next week: questions about three other domains: friendship, parenting, and presence

Stop Agreeing To Unclear Requests

by amiel · Jun 15, 2017

Unclear requests wreak havoc in organizations, families, friendships, and civic life.

This is particularly true when the one receiving the request blindly says “yes.”

What is an unclear request? It’s when you ask me to do something but are vague about what you want.

Scenario A: Omission of the “What”

Imagine that you are the design manager for a team creating a new product for the home refrigerator. When attached to the fridge, it senses when the door isn’t closed all the way and emits a sound. When Henry Homeowner hears this sound, he knows to go back and find out what’s blocking the door.

I’m your lead designer, and we have a preliminary conversation about the product and what it will do. You close by saying to me, “Give me something by Thursday at 5pm.”

I think to myself, Hmm, I don’t really know what “something” means, but that’s what they pay me to do, and I don’t want to look stupid by asking a question. So I say, “You got it, boss.”

I work hard on this for three days, and on Thursday afternoon give you what you asked for. Ten minutes later, the phone rings. “That is not what I asked for” you say with audible frustration. I feel dejected and angry. What a waste of time!

Scenario B: Omission of the “When”

Same product, people, and situation. But this time, you say, “Give me a 3D prototype with basic specs next week.” This is a different type of unclear request.

When I hear this, I understand what will satisfy you and know that it’s urgent. So I shift my schedule around to allow me to get you the prototype by next Friday at noon, five hours before your deadline.

On Wednesday morning, you knock on my door. “Where’s the prototype?” you ask.

My throat tightens, and pressure mounts in my forehead. In a low apologetic voice, I reply, “I’m working on it.”

The frown on your face tells me that this isn’t the answer you were looking for. “I told you I needed it this week. We’re already halfway through the week.”

Oops.

Scenario C: Omission of the “What” and the “When”

Same product, people, and situation. This time, you say, “Give me something ASAP.” This is still another type of unclear request.

Although I don’t know what will satisfy you or when you want it, I agree to the request.

What happens next: as the saying goes, I get my just dessert.

Who messed up?

When it’s time for the team’s annual Broken Trust Awards, which one of us gets to walk away with a medal?

The answer, of course, is both. You receive the Fuzzy Duddy Award for making the unclear request. I get the Dummy Award for accepting it.

What can I do differently?

The obvious answer to unclear requests is to resent you for being so unclear. You’re the manager. You’re supposed to know what you’re talking about. Stop jerking me around!

Or, I can own up to my part of the situation. The next time you make an unclear request, I choose to do one of the following:

Ask for clarification. “I get what you’re looking for and want to make sure I understand when exactly you want it. You said ‘next week.’ When during the week did you have in mind?”
Propose something more specific. “OK, so you want something by Thursday at 5pm. I want to make sure that we are on the same page in terms of what you want. If I gave you a table of features and benefits, will this work for you, or did you have something else in mind?”
Promise to propose something more specific. “I’ve got the timeframe and understand that it may not be clear exactly what you’re looking for. What I’d like to do is take two hours and come back to you with a proposal for what I’ll have for you by Thursday at 5pm. Will this work for you?”

Leadership Coaches for Steady Hands on the Nuclear Codes [New Post]

by amiel · Jul 28, 2016

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/10/01/article-2211230-154B2983000005DC-726_634x442.jpg

I won’t coach a leader with an untreated mental illness. They need to be in a different room with a different person.

It’s a basic standard in executive coaching.

I never thought I’d need to apply the same principle to voting for President. Every major party candidate in my lifetime has been relatively sane. I may disagree vociferously with their politics, but I don’t fear giving them access to the nuclear codes.

This year it’s different.

That’s why I’m choosing today to write to you today about national politics. It’s a topic I rarely bring up in my work with leaders because our success together depends on mutual trust. Talking politics can get in the way of that.

But the choice we face in this year’s Presidential election isn’t about liberal versus conservative, Democrat versus Republican, or even light versus dark.

It’s about sanity versus insanity. Having a balanced temperament versus constantly coming unhinged.

One candidate in this race has, at minimum, an untreated personality disorder. When he speaks for more than thirty seconds, I think to myself, “This man is not well.”

Do you know what I’m talking about?

I’m confident you do.

The other candidate is unmistakably sane. You may or may not love the thoughts in her head, but it’s clear that her head is on straight.

This difference matters. A lot.

For example, the President of the United States has access to many things that you and I don’t. One of those is the codes to launch nuclear missiles. These codes follow the President around everywhere he or she goes. When the President chooses to use these codes, big stuff happens.

Saying “big stuff”sounds funny but we all know it’s not a joke. That’s why we want the person with access to the nuclear codes to have steady hands and a sane mind.

It’s the bare minimum prerequisite for the office, more so even than relevant experience, knowledge of how government works, aligned worldviews, or basic competence.

Steady hands and a sane mind. This description applies to only one major party nominee in this race.

She happens to be a Democrat. And her opponent, the one whose mind is not well, is running in this race as a Republican. However, for once, those party distinctions don’t really matter to me. If he were running as a Democrat (which is not implausible given his current views on trade and past views on social issues), I’d vote for the Republican.

That’s why I’ve chosen today to speak up. And why I’m starting a group called Leadership Coaches for Steady Hands on the Nuclear Codes.

Yeah, I know, that’s a long name, but it’s a start, and it captures what we stand for:

People with expertise in leadership speaking up at an important moment in history
Naming the key distinction between the two major candidates
Applying it to a monumental power of the Presidency
Doing this in a way that emphasizes we are for something good rather than just against something dangerous

Stay tuned for more as this group takes shape.

Episode 50: Chris Chittenden on Real Accountability [The Amiel Show]

by amiel · Jun 20, 2016

Think that accountability is just about the organizational structure–about who reports to whom?

Think again.

Listen to the Podcast

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This is a key message of Chris Chittenden, my guest this week on the podcast.

When you look at how work actually gets done, it lives in the conversations between people.

If you’re upset at someone for not carrying out a promise, consider this: did they make a promise in the first place?
If somebody asks you to do something, are you aware that a negotiation has just begun–even if that person is your boss?
Have you ever noticed that the reason breakdowns happen is that others see the world differently from you?

Chris is a master ontological coach based in Australia. I’ve admired his writings for years and enjoyed this opportunity to dig in and ask: what does true accountability look like?

I think you’ll find this interview to have immediate practical impact. Please share with your friends.

Highlights

15:30 What’s missing in traditional leadership programs
20:00 Accountability is about the interactions between people
24:00 What kind of conversation are you in?
29:00 Amiel’s confusion in high school about fuzzy promises
32:00 The ways we respond to requests–most are unclear!
39:30 Making effective offers in the workplace
42:30 Why people give feedback
46:30 Other people have different interests and interpretations from you!
56:00 People send email requests with the assumption they’ve been accepted
1:00:00 It’s also about managing risks
1:04:00 Four ways you can respond to a request
1:07:30 Managing promises is about creating points of choice
1:13:30 How to create a proactive day

Tweet a Quote

“People send email requests assuming they’ve been accepted.”

–Chris Chittenden Tweet this quote

“Promises underpin the relationships we have with others.”

–Chris Chittenden Tweet this quote

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