Grow and lead for all of us

Accountability

Three ways in complex times to ensure you’re in the same conversation with others (April 2, 2020 issue)

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Hi Friends,

I hope you find this week’s actionable insights relevant to your life in these complex times.

Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

Covid-19 and the end of the Billionaire/Navy Seal exemplar

In books about leadership and high performance, billionaires and Navy Seals are everywhere. This billionaire shows you how to optimize your energy. That team of Navy Seals demonstrates group flow states. Sexy sells, and publishers and authors assume that you and I consider these the sexiest role models.

At least up until now.

I hope that Covid-19 changes this. Isn’t it time to give billionaires and Navy Seals a rest? Can we let tomorrow’s examples of leadership and performance come from the health professions, medical supply logistics, the quality movement, grocery store supervisors, and home delivery?

Do this, and we’ll learn new ways of coordinating action, building trust, and embodying our deepest virtues.

In stressful times, ensure you’re in the same conversation as everyone else

Classic Seinfeld moment: Jerry and Elaine are in the diner. Jerry’s describing a bizarre incident from his day. Elaine is talking about something else. Neither is listening to the other. They go back and forth like this for 30 seconds. It’s so ridiculous that we laugh.

This happens constantly in organizations. You’re in a meeting with five other people. You think you’re in the same conversation, but you’re actually in five different conversations. One person is brainstorming. Another is assessing a past event. Yet another is negotiating what to do next. And so on.

Isn’t it hard enough to understand each other when we’re in the same conversation?

Name the Conversation, a leadership micro-habit

Example: People hear you say three words, interpret it as a request, and then rearrange their priorities to make you happy. Three weeks later, you discover this and say, “…but I was just thinking out loud!” 

If this has happened to you, you’re not alone. As you rise in the organization, this misinterpretation occurs more quickly and by more people. You think you’re exploring possibilities. Everyone else thinks you want something done.

There’s a conversational micro-habit perfect for this situation. I call it Name the Conversation. Here are the steps:

  1. Name the Possibility Conversation. Before you think out loud, say “This is a possibility, not a request” or “Let’s have a possibility conversation about this.” People will put down their To Do Lists and join you in imagining “what if.”
  2. Name the Request. Before you ask someone to do something, say “I have a request.” This will signal to people that it’s time to listen for the what, when and why of what you are asking—and ask for clarification if they don’t understand.
  3. Self-correct. If you forget steps 1 and 2 and leap into the conversation (which at first you will do 98% of the time out of habit), no worries. Simply pause the conversation and clarify your intent. “Just to be clear, I’m making a request.” Or “Let me clarify: right now, I’m not asking you to do anything. Let’s just explore options.”

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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Seven pivotal conversations to have this week with colleagues and family

Seven pivotal conversations to have this week with colleagues and family

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Dear Friends,

Surreal and uncertain times call for deep attention to what conversations we have, with whom, and why.  Here are seven conversations you may find valuable having with your family, team, and colleagues this week while working from home.

Hit Reply and let me know what you think or which you may try.

When under stress, I turn to humor

Stephen Colbert did a monologue from his bathtub. My instinctual response was to create two things for the first time:

  1. A guide to mansplaining in an era of the coronavirus. Forget about me as the host of an interview series on women in leadership. Here I play the clueless and offensive mansplainer. Currently available only on request.
  2. A Public Service Announcement. This one I’ll share with you: “Six feet apart or six feet under. The choice is yours.”

Seven pivotal conversations to have this week with colleagues and family

1. “What matters conversations”

In stressful times, this is the one you’re most likely to skip. Please don’t. The “what matters conversation” involves slowing down and talking about what’s important to member of your family or team right now. Doing this has two benefits. First, it forces you—and everyone else—to pause and reflect on what you care about and what concerns you. Second, it helps you know what new worlds you are now speaking into. The child, spouse, or teammate in front of you today is in some ways a different person from the one of only a week ago. The key is to carve out time, say 30-60 minutes, go around the circle/screen, let each person share, and ask clarifying questions to understand.

2. “Possibility conversations”

This is where you explore “what if” scenarios without any pressure to commit. A few weeks ago, my wife and I had a possibility conversation around the question, “What if one of us had to self-quarantine for two weeks?” Last Thursday, we had one around, “What if we were to go to the mountain for the day for cross-country skiing?” In the workplace, you might have possibility conversations around scheduling daily 5 minute check-ins with each person on your team, canceling a planned initiative, or opening up a new collaboration with a division with whom suddenly you have vested interests. Again, this conversation is not a time to make requests or offer to do things. Stick with exploring “what if.”

3. New requests

Great, your team has had a positive possibility conversation around scheduling daily one-on-ones. The more you’ve listen, the more you like the idea. Now, you can take this possibility into action by making a new request: “I’d like to ask each of you, by 6pm today, to schedule a daily 5 min check-in with me between 8am and 5pm PST starting tomorrow and continuing through March 31.” Remember that an effective request has a clear What, When, and Why. And it only becomes a promise when the other person accepts. So consider ending your request by asking each person, “Would you be willing to do this?”

4. New offers

In a “what matters conversation” with your spouse, you realized that she really needs 2-3 hours alone in a quiet house. So you now look at your schedule, hers, and the kids,’ and make an offer. “Tomorrow, from 4 to 6pm, I’d be willing to take the kids on a long bike ride so you can have the house to yourself. Would you like me to do this?”

5. “You can say no or counteroffer”

If you want people to give real Yes’s, you have to make it safe for them to say No or propose a different timeline or outcome. I learned this when I was 22 years old and working for a senior health care leader—a guru of sorts who managed big budgets and testified before Congress. “Amiel,” he would say, “I’d like to ask you to do something. You can say no.” Hearing this surprising statement forced me to think—to not blindly agree but instead assess whether or not I could commit to what he was asking and the deadline. This gave me more freedom (which I liked) and raised the odds of my promises being reliable (which he liked). Every time we went through this, I matured a bit. The “you can say no or counteroffer” conversation is most important when making requests to people who have less authority than you and/or habitually say Yes.

6. Renegotiation of commitments 

Everyone has been moving face to face conversations to virtual.  Our family has also been shifting play dates to Zoom. These are examples of what I call “renegotiating commitments.” You can renegotiate the What and/or the When. Two tips:

  • Start with the phrase, “I’d like to renegotiate our agreement to___” because (a) it signals what’s kind of conversation you’d like to have and (b) it reminds you and them that your relationships rises and falls based on the quality of your commitments to each other.
  • End with “Would this work for you?” Just as it takes two to make a commitment, it takes two to renegotiate one.

 7. Cancellation of commitments with integrity

The past few days have witnessed the most momentous cancellation of commitments in my lifetime. Have you noticed that some people and organizations are better at this than others? Canceling commitments as soon as you realize you can’t deliver—and doing this skillfully—is important for two reasons: first, it allows the “customers” of these commitments to reassess the situation and explore other ways of getting their needs met; second, it preserves trust in the relationship. In my unpublished book Reliable Results (email me if you want a copy), I suggest three steps in canceling commitments with integrity

  • Explicitly cancel. “I will no longer be able to_____ as I had promised.”
  • Provide the context or rationale
  • Make it clear you are open to new requests now or in the future (to the extent this is true)

I hope these are helpful!

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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Four ways to ask for a promotion with vastly different results

Four ways to ask for a promotion with vastly different results

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Ask for a promotion if you aren’t offered one

You don’t ask for a promotion because you want your boss to offer it to you. Getting offered a promotion feels great. She does the hard thinking. You don’t have to go to her, because she comes to you. And you are now in the driver’s seat. No wonder so many people wait for this to happen.

But waiting requires patience, and who in our world has time for patience? (You know I’m joking, right?). Plus your boss may never make the offer. She may not know you want a promotion. Or she thinks the perfect time for it is next year, after you’ve completed that massive project everyone is talking about. Or she has 99 other things on her mind, including things you’ve asked her for. Plus, she is the kind of person who asks for what she wants. You haven’t asked for a promotion, so you must not really want it.

That brings us to the second method for getting a promotion: asking for it. I call this a request.

Not all requests are created equal. Some are likely to get you what you want. Others will give you things you don’t want and never expected. Occasionally this will turn out in a good way. More often, as my late grandmother would say, not so much!

The illustration above shows four very different results of asking for a promotion. I’ll walk you through them in a moment. But first, we need to introduce an equation that will make your life better.

Remember this equation when you ask for a promotion

Your goal isn’t to ask for a promotion, but to get one. You want a promise. And a request can be many things, but one thing it is not is a promise. That requires something more. Which leads us to our equation:

Request + Acceptance = Promise

This isn’t calculus, but the math matters. To get a promise of a promotion, asking isn’t enough. You need your boss to accept the request. She needs to say Yes.

I can hear you saying, “This is so simple.” It is.

I can imagine you thinking, “Amiel, you are insulting my intelligence.” I am.

And I know what you want to remind me. That a lot more than Yes can happen between the request for promotion and the promise. There can be negotiation, clarifying questions, long pauses to think, counteroffers, checking in with other stakeholders, and various power moves like the single raised eyebrow, which is hard to do but brutally effective.

But here’s the thing. Every single day, smart and savvy people forget this equation—or act as though it doesn’t exist. Either they fail to make the request or they forget to create a request that their boss can accept.

So, the first thing is to make the request—to ask for a promotion. You have to speak. Second, you need to make an effective request. You could be introverted or extraverted. You could be soft-spoken or carry an oomph in your voice. In every case, it helps to speak clearly. This means being two things:

  1. Clear about what kind of promotion you want
  2. Specific about when you want it

I call these the What and the When.

We all know there is much more to asking for a promotion than the What and the When. There is thinking carefully about what work you actually want to do and what title you want to carry, assessing your capacity, framing the request (the Why), timing it (when your boss is in good spirits), identifying your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement), considering who else will be impacted if you’re successful, and preparing for the conversation. It’s far more complex than what and when.

However, I’ve been consulting since 1993, and consultants are required to use four-quadrant diagrams. So, for, now we’ll stick with two variables: the What and the When.

Three ineffective ways to ask for a promotion

The illustration above shows the four possible scenarios that can result when you ask for a promotion. Three of these you generally want to avoid:

  • If you’re unclear about what you want, yet specific about when you want it (e.g. “I’d like to take on a larger scope”), then you get more responsibility and headache but with the same title and no more pay. Yuck.
  • If you’re clear about what you want, yet vague about when you want it, then you stay in the same position until the day you either retire or die. Important side note: some people want this to be the same day, but I recommend against that. Die or retire, but for heaven’s sake, don’t do them at the same time.
  • If you’re unclear about what you want and vague about when you want it, your boss gets frustrated with your entire personality and sends you to assertiveness training. Which is fine, except if the instructor doesn’t teach you the importance of What and When. If this happens, the next time you ask for a promotion, you’ll utter the same confusing nonsense but with a clear, rich, powerful voice.

Want a bigger, better job? Ask for a promotion like this

By now you’ve mastered the math of the promotion—or at least peeked at the above illustration—so the fourth scenario is easy.

You are clear about what you want and specific about when you want it.

Plus you’re boss has the desire, status, and budget to do her part.

The result? You get promoted to a bigger, better job.

This is what you want. This is what you longed for. So, yes, if you want to send me a Thank You note, I will read it and smile.

There is one caveat to all this: I can’t guarantee that getting the promotion will make you any happier. You might hate the new job. You might distrust the new boss. You might feel overwhelmed by all the new money you’re making (OK, probably not this, unless it’s a lot of money). But my diagram doesn’t include the word “happy,” so for now, we’ll assume that this concept doesn’t exist.

How you ask for a promotion is relevant to everything you want in life

Things happen in the world when people make commitments to each other. When they make promises.

So if you want people to promise you things that you want, remember these points:

  • A promise starts with either a request or an offer. If there’s no request or offer, there’s no promise—and you don’t get what you want.
  • If nobody is offering you what you want, consider what request you could make (and to whom—which is a topic for another day)
  • Your request doesn’t automatically lead to a promise. The other person needs to say Yes.
  • The other person is more likely to say Yes if your request is effective.
  • An effective request includes, among other elements, a clear What and specific When

What request—for a promotion or anything else—will you be making today?

Episode 89: GTD And Promise-Based Management With Michael Dolan

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In this week’s episode, Michael Dolan and I show you how to bring about the results you want in life by combining two powerful action frameworks: Getting Things Done (GTD) and promise-based management.

GTD, also known as workflow coaching, helps you manage agreements with yourself. David Allen, my guest on episode 13, outlined this model in his mega bestselling book, Getting Things Done. Michael has been bringing this approach to executives and senior professionals for many years.

Promise-based management helps you manage commitments with others. I heard about it 20 years ago, gave my first talk about it in 2003, and enjoy introducing it to clients. It has been one of the principal themes of this podcast. Many of you heard the integral mashup I did on this topic several months ago.

The question Michael and I explore today is this: what happens when you integrate both frameworks into your day-to-day work life? What becomes possible when you become adept at managing agreements with yourself using GTD and skilled at managing commitments with others using promise-based management?

Neither of us promises you will become superhuman or super-happy.

Then again, nor do we claim these are out of reach!

But seriously, I enjoyed rolling up my sleeves with Michael. Join us as we dig in below the level of concepts to explore specific behaviors you can start practicing today when you combine these powerful frameworks.

Highlights

  • 12:00 How can promises from a 1-on-1 meeting end up in your inbox?
  • 18:00 Processing items at your desk when you’re confused about who promised what
  • 24:00 It’s easier to process (“What is this?”) when you’ve already discussed this with others
  • 30:00 Check your “delegated project” list at the end of a meeting
  • 37:00 Asking the other person to promise to bring up a topic in three months
  • 41:00 You saying “no” to me could help me renegotiate agreements with myself!
  • 47:00 You thought they were going to produce a brochure. They thought they agreed to get it approved.
  • 52:00 What if you don’t trust others to manage their promises?
  • 59:00 Why Michael is in awe of the volume of work his clients manage

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Guaranteed Miscoordination of Action [Drawing]

Guaranteed Miscoordination of Action [Drawing]

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This is the second in a series of drawings that illustrate key principles from my podcast and writings.

In this case, “miscoordination” is a shorter way of saying “everything gets screwed up.” Which, sometimes, it does. Now, wouldn’t it be nice if you could make this happen less often—if things could consistently go smoothly?

What else do you want to know about this topic?

Episode 79: Integral Mashup On Managing Promises [The Amiel Show]

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Introducing… the first integral mashup on managing promises.

I’ve pulled short audio clips from five past interviews and added my own commentary—all on the topic of how we get things done in life through conversation.

This is my favorite topic in leadership development, particularly when meshed with other valuable frames, like the idea that we are all in over our heads in complexity, so why not grow a little bit?

Joining us on this journey are Bob Dunham, Lisa Marshall, Chris Chittenden, Elizabeth Doty, and Susanne Cook-Greuter.

All together in one place for the first time…sort of!

This episode is an experiment. It was both fun and challenging to unpack different guests’ ideas and then place them in a slightly larger context. This stretched my brain!

I’d love your help. Please shoot me a 1-2 line email and let me know what you think.

  • What worked for you?
  • What was missing?
  • Any topics you suggest for future Integral Mashups? Looking at the podcast archives gives me ideas…

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The Year Ahead [New Post]

The Year Ahead [New Post]

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Thank you all for listening to my podcast, reading my posts, and sending kudos, queries, and quirky questions. As we close out 2017 and step into 2018, I want to share a few words about what you can expect from staying in conversation with me.

  • Growing as a leader and human being in organizations. This remains the primary focus of my podcast, blog, and client work. What can we learn about this process from different teachers, studies, experts, traditions, and organizations?
  • In-depth interviews. I’m committed to providing high-quality, in-depth interviews that make you think. I pick guests whose work I admire and ask them to dive deeply. These folks have a lot to say, so I give them the spotlight and challenge them to stretch their own thinking an extra inch.
  • Accomplishing work together by managing promises. My clients are reporting a great deal of benefit from an approach to collaborative work that I call “managing promises.” I’m using it with teams and individuals to produce better results with fewer headaches. (If you’d like to talk about using this with your team, send me a note). You may recognize this theme from past interviews with Elizabeth Doty about making only promises you can keep, Bob Dunham on listening for commitment and executives’ new promises, and Chris Chittenden on real accountability. Why do so many handoffs between people go awry? Why is it frustrating when people don’t give you what you ask for and yet so challenging to talk with them about this in a way that improves future results? What happens when you make more powerful offers in your organization, and what specific steps are needed to do this? How can you raise the performance of your entire team by learning the real anatomy of action? I’ve taken many of these ideas (originally from Fernando Flores’s “conversation for action”) and fleshed them out into a comprehensive model called the “promise cycle”. I’ve written a short yet fairly technical playbook about this called Reliable Results. In the coming year, I’ll be doing more interviews and Jedi Leadership Tricks on this topic, posting more diagrams like Fuzzy Promises, Fuzzy Mittens, and continuing to share it with teams. I think there is great potential to do for managing promises with others what David Allen has done with managing agreements with yourself.
  • The American experience with race—a new series. Most conversation about race in the United States is simplistic, polemical, and poorly grounded in history. We are arguing past each other rather than listening to each other, focusing only on the latest outrages, and not sufficiently integrating different perspectives. To me, it’s a huge leadership topic, something that can inform how we understand ourselves and the people we work with even when the topic at hand is not about race. That’s because to talk with wisdom about race is to talk about what it means to be human beings in all our beautiful complexity. I’ll be asking podcast guests to explore this topic with me in an integral way. We’ll delve into individual beliefs and behaviors, culture, and societal structures.
  • Synthesizing key concepts. Several listeners have recently challenged me to share my own understanding on the many ideas I explore with guests. To synthesize and illuminate what I’ve been learning. Expect to see at least a couple forays in this direction in the coming year.

Once again, thank you for walking with me on this journey. Anything in this note strike you as particularly important? Have any other suggestions for me. I welcome your emails!