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Adult development

We are built for distraction and grow into listening (May 6, 2020 issue)

by amiel · May 5, 2020

Hi Friends,

I hope you enjoy this week’s actionable insights. Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

Reader comments on the personal story I told last week

Hilary Bradbury, Principal of AR+ Foundation, writes:

“Sharing your experience of bullying is important. Bullying is pervasive and an important window on how to use power. Over the years I have heard that most men were involved in bullying as victims and/or perpetrators. Many women also experience men’s bullying in the adult form of sexual harassment. (Girls’ bullying of other women is its own topic.).  Either way, these early years shape us greatly. Nasty experiences can also be teachers. If we “compost” the bullying, it allows for developing self and others toward a kinder, more full spectrum humanity.”

How I learned to ask good questions

When I was 22 and doing the job a 40 year old did before me, I had what now we call imposter syndrome. I was afraid the senior leaders I was consulting to would discover my age and inexperience, even in simple phone interviews.

My mentor at the time gave me this advice: “Act like you don’t know anything and ask open-ended questions, and you’ll learn a lot.”

In many ways I didn’t know anything, but the advice still worked. Here I was afraid people would discover how young I was. What happened instead is that my age mattered far less to people than how they felt being truly listened to.

Why isn’t everyone better at listening? 

1. You are built for distraction. The human nervous system was constructed in an era when physical survival mattered more than interpersonal competence.

2. The personality type you (never) ordered comes with a listening filter. This filter decides what to let in and what to keep out. Mine involves questions like“Is this safe?” and “Can I trust this?” These aren’t useless, but they block out 90 percent of reality. Your listening filter may involve different questions, like  “Is he lying?” “Do they like me?” “What needs fixing?” or “Will this cause conflict?”

3. You grow into listening. This involves new habits. Few schools and organizations teach these.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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Filed Under: Adult development, Enneagram, Power and politics

Putting yourself in their shoes is a conversational skill you can practice

Putting yourself in their shoes is a conversational skill you can practice

by amiel · Feb 4, 2020

In the last newsletter, I introduced the concept of “conversation supplements.” These are specific ways of speaking and listening that put good leadership advice into action.

Now it’s time for an example!

The wise teacher I’m supplementing this week is Jennifer Garvey Berger, a frequent guest on my podcast. In a recent blog post, Jennifer describes why you get trapped in “simple stories” and how to get untrapped. She gives the example of a work colleague you think is undermining you. This thought is a simple story, one that likely limits you and the relationship. Jennifer suggests you put yourself in that person’s shoes by asking yourself, “How is this (annoying and frustrating) person a hero?” The idea isn’t to kill your simple story but acknowledge  that it’s simple and complement it with a different simple story. That way, you capture more complexity and expand your perspective-taking.

It’s a brilliant approach, one used by thousands of leaders.

Think of it as the tastiest salmon in town.

Now let’s supplement that salmon with three side dishes.

  1. Make the advice even more actionable. Jennifer’s advice involves an interior reframe: thinking differently. Let’s carry this into your conversations. What different words would you use while speaking with your colleague—and about her? How might you shift your posture and tone? What new declarations (e.g. “I value our relationship” or “My success depends on yours”) would you make to her? Might you respond differently to past requests you declined? How about inviting her into a conversation practice I call “My Side of the Story, Your Side of the Story?”
  2. Customize it. The Enneagram teaches us that different folks need different strokes. Or, in this case, different interior reframes and conversational supplements. For example, an Eight Challenger could see that their simple story of “undermining” relates to their own unacknowledged vulnerability. In conversation, it would be useful to interrupt their colleague less, inquire more, and explicitly test assumptions. None of this would be useful for a Two Helper. That person would be better off connecting the story of “undermining” to their own resentment from unexpressed needs. They can practice making clear requests, stating explicitly what they need, and responding to requests by saying “no” or counteroffering.
  3. Do conversation drills. Make it more likely you’ll interact skillfully with your colleague through deliberate practice. Conversation skills don’t grow on trees. You build them by practicing repetitively with deep focus and an intention to improve. You can do this off to the side in a dedicated practice session with a friend or mentor. Or you can do this in the middle of a meeting—what I call on-the-job practice.

Here’s what’s so cool about this. You’re bringing it all together. Create a new simple story. Check. Make this actionable through conversation supplements. Check. Customize everything to your Enneagram type. Check. Practice these conversation skills multiple times every day, both on and off the job. Ditto.

When you build on Jennifer’s brilliant advice in these ways, guess what happens? You get to bring your full mojo to the table. You get to expand the capacity for perspective-taking within you. You get to build important skills outside of you.

Filed Under: Adult development, Conflict, Deliberate practice, Promises

Collaborative Leadership Through Jazz With Greg Thomas & Jewel Kinch-Thomas (Episode 110)

Collaborative Leadership Through Jazz With Greg Thomas & Jewel Kinch-Thomas (Episode 110)

by amiel · Oct 22, 2019

collaborative leadership

Greg Thomas (who previously spoke with me here and here) and Jewel Kinch-Thomas of the Jazz Leadership Project join me to explore the extraordinary ways that jazz builds collaborative leadership.

This is one of the most enjoyable conversations I’ve had on the podcast.

I learned new ways of thinking about group flow states, elite performance, and deliberately practicing in teams.

If you like this conversation, please share with friends!

Highlights

  • 3:30 Two big misunderstandings people have about jazz
  • 8:00 Why is jazz a more useful metaphor for leadership than orchestra or opera?
  • 22:00 The rhythm section exemplifies shared leadership
  • 26:00 From “that’s not my role” to using signals to help each other out
  • 32:00 Constant feedback helps you perform at a high level
  • 36:30 Ensemble mindset, “big ears”, and three ways to listen
  • 43:00 Group flow states and grooving to the music
  • 55:00 Developing excellence by practicing “in the shed”
  • 1:00:30 Trading silos for shared purpose so you hum as a team

Listen to the Podcast

Listen

Explore Additional Resources

  • Jazz Leadership Project
  • Tune Into Leadership, Greg and Jewel’s new blog

 

Filed Under: Adult development, Conflict, Creativity, Engagement, Podcast, Relationships

Integral Politics With Jeff Salzman (Episode 109)

Integral Politics With Jeff Salzman (Episode 109)

by amiel · Jul 10, 2019

Integral politics involves appreciating what’s good, true, and beautiful and what’s missing in every worldview in our culture. This is neither the mushy middle nor mere theory, but instead a practical way forward in a puzzling world. The idea of integral politics is straightforward: listen closely to every perspective, take the best, and jettison the rest. Breathe in the truth. Breathe out the partial nature of it. Just as a good health program involves supplementing different practices, integral politics asks: why not also supplement different worldviews?

A Leading Voice Of Integral Politics

For many years, Jeff Salzman has been a leading voice of integral politics. Through his podcast, The Daily Evolver, Jeff has brought this integral vantage point to everything from Presidential politics to #metoo to movies to economics.

This week, Jeff joins me to describe the tribal, warrior, traditional, modern, and postmodern worldviews and the many ways they battle in today’s politics. We discuss political correctness on college campuses, Cold War anticommunism, why God is both everywhere and nowhere, how life is a heartbreaking catastrophe yet we go on, the post-war liberal consensus and how it shattered, what Jeff does when encountering politicians who trigger him, why psychopaths are people too, and how as a young adult Jeff got tired of sitting through yet another heterosexual love scene at the movies. Integral politics has something to say about all of this!

Integral Politics Stretches The Mind

This discussion of integral politics will stretch your mind, and it’s longer than our average episode, so you’ll get extended mind-stretching! (Note: the audio quality on my end in this interview is less than usual. I don’t know why.)

The Amiel Show is taking a six-week summer break, so you will have time to savor this conversation before I return with a new episode in September.

In other news, I turned 49 on Tuesday. I am dedicating my 50th year on the planet to sharing my interviews and ideas with more people. Way more people. I call it the Big Tribe project. You are a huge part of it, so here’s step one: if you are intrigued or inspired by what you hear, please share this interview with friends and encourage them to subscribe to the podcast.

I’m also offering a free copy of my E-Book, Leading When You’re Ticked Off And Other Tips For Mastering Complexity, in this blog post on my web site.

Highlights

  • 9:00 The discipline and faith of the traditional worldview. Jeff as church camper of the year.
  • 14:00 As humanity moves forward, there are more stages of development present
  • 21:00 There is a hierarchy of growth that is natural and beautiful
  • 26:30 Ken Wilber’s Four Quadrants
  • 31:00 We get sick to death of the stage we’re at
  • 38:00 Posmodernism and “Where the fuck am I” in this movie?
  • 46:00 In a good-versus-evil society, you’d be irresponsible to not annihilate your enemy
  • 1:04:00 When you have a stack of worldviews at war with each other
  • 1:10:00 It’s good we’re battling in comments sections, not with clubs and knives
  • 1:24:00 The power of Mr. Trump’s shameless grandiose ego

Listen to the Podcast

http://traffic.libsyn.com/amielhandelsman/TAS_109_Jeff_Salzman.mp3

Podcast: Play in new window | Download | Embed

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

Explore Additional Resources

  • The Daily Evolver podcast

 

Filed Under: Adult development, Emotions, Government, Podcast, Power and politics, Race and culture, Spiral Dynamics

My Journey With Sustainable Business (Episode 107)

My Journey With Sustainable Business (Episode 107)

by amiel · Jun 5, 2019

This week, we turn the tables.

Chris Chittenden, senior ontological coach and past podcast guest, interviews me about my journey with sustainable business.

I found the experience liberating.

We discuss why I started a series on climate change, clean technology and sustainable business, the people and ideas who have influenced me, how I work with regret, and how I express these commitments in the life I was given.

I hope that this taste of my journey gives you insight and courage on your own journey.

If you get value from this, please share with friends.

Listen to the Podcast

http://traffic.libsyn.com/amielhandelsman/TAS_107_My_Journey_With_Sustainable_Business.mp3

Podcast: Play in new window | Download | Embed

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

 

Filed Under: Adult development, Climate change, Complexity, Emotions, Enneagram, Podcast, Spiral Dynamics, Sustainability and clean tech

Sustainable Business Goes Mainstream With Kevin Wilhelm (Episode 104)

Sustainable Business Goes Mainstream With Kevin Wilhelm (Episode 104)

by amiel · May 6, 2019

Sustainable Business

This week I launch a new series about climate change, sustainable business, and clean technology. My goal is to explore these big, complex topics from multiple perspectives, with an open heart, and for the purpose of generating positive action. Multiple perspective-taking matters because each way we frame these topics is both useful and limiting—in the terminology of integral thinking, both “true” and “partial.” An open heart matters because what’s at stake is momentous, and without it, all that’s left is a big mushy bowl of anxiety. And positive action—well, heck, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

To launch this series (my interview with Ron Pernick of Clean Edge about clean tech was a prequel), I reached out to Kevin Wilhelm. Kevin is the founding leader of Sustainable Business Consulting, author of several books including Return on Sustainability, and a convincing thought leader.

In this conversation, we discuss how Kevin cut his teeth in a field that didn’t yet exist, the people who told him “that won’t happen,” how his company’s work boosts client employee engagement, his role as organizational translator, the forefathers and foremothers of the field, and how he makes sense of recent alarming reports about climate change.

One more thing. In the past two years, I’ve had the opportunity to partner with more organizations in clean tech, energy efficiency and climate change than in the previous decade before that. Growing leaders and teams in these organizations is a total joy. As I tell Kevin, if I spent 98% of my time doing this, that wouldn’t be too much. People like Kevin give me inspiration to continue reaching out and making new offers.

If you like this conversation, please share with friends.

Highlights

  • 7:00 Creating a new market niche
  • 20:00 From “do the right thing” to “investors are demanding this”
  • 25:00 Translating and meeting people where they are at
  • 29:00 Sustainability increases employee engagement, attraction, and retention
  • 33:00 Stock analysts have finally caught on
  • 41:00 What’s missing in the public conversation about climate change
  • 45:00 Amiel’s riff on time horizons, climate change, and adult development
  • 49:00 Why spend $300K watering a lawn in a forest fire region?

Listen to the Podcast

http://traffic.libsyn.com/amielhandelsman/TAS_104_Kevin_Wilhelm.mp3

Podcast: Play in new window | Download | Embed

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

Explore Additional Resources

  • Sustainable Business Consulting

 

Filed Under: Adult development, Complexity, Deliberate practice, Podcast

No More Feedback With Carol Sanford (Episode 103)

No More Feedback With Carol Sanford (Episode 103)

by amiel · Apr 22, 2019

 

This week, contrarian business thought leader Carol Sanford joins me to discuss her new book, No More Feedback.

If the title strikes you as both surprising and unnerving, welcome to the club. Within organizations giving and receiving feedback are widely considered noble acts. Although we may not be competent at feedback, we know it’s a good thing—key to personal growth and leadership development.

Carol says, “no, not really.”

In her view, any effort to ask another person where I am strong or how I could improve is intrinsically harmful, even toxic. For this reason she offers a harsh critique of annual performance reviews, competency models, and 360 degree interviews. The damage they cause is so profound (e.g. rewarding conformity, shifting attention from big promises, encouraging confirmation bias, and reducing self-reflection) and the foundation upon which they are based is so flawed that it’s foolish to tweak them.

Instead, Carol argues, get rid of feedback entirely.

Three things I learned in talking with Carol:

  1. I share her assessment of most of the activities that she calls “feedback.”
  2. When I use the term “feedback”—for example, as one of four steps in the on-the-job-practice cycle—I’m talking about something that Carol does not consider feedback because the person requesting it is authoring their own learning.
  3. I can stay grounded while listening to someone critique a practice near and dear to my heart, as Carol does with the Enneagram. In fact, it’s kind of fun.

Have a listen, and tell me what you think.

Highlights

  • 10:00 Humans as machines, the first seedbed of feedback
  • 17:00 Three foundational capacities of people to cultivate
  • 24:30 Jerry, a contrarian at Weyerhaeuser pushed out for not conforming
  • 32:00 Feedback raises anxiety
  • 41:00 Opportunities to self-reflect can break attachment to 360 feedback
  • 49:00 Why modifying feedback systems doesn’t work: the premise is flawed
  • 54:00 Carol only has people assess themselves in relation to a big promise they are making in the world
  • 1:02:00 Carol’s work with Seventh Generation when it was in the red
  • 1:12:00 Perils of low fat diet, benefits of intermittent fasting

Listen to the Podcast

http://traffic.libsyn.com/amielhandelsman/TAS_103_Carol_Sanford.mp3

Podcast: Play in new window | Download | Embed

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

Explore Additional Resources

  • Carol’s web site

 

Filed Under: Adult development, Emotions, Engagement, Nutrition, Podcast, Promises

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