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Give me some of that conversational mojo (October 28, 2020 issue)

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Available for podcast interviews

Being interviewed is fun and a great way to learn. That’s my conclusion after accepting several invitations in recent months from podcasts I respect, like the interview below and an upcoming one with Not Simple about racial identity that taps themes from my articles about White Fragility. Each conversation helps me flesh out ideas and practices waiting to burst forth. More, please!

Translation: keep the interview requests coming. I could say more about what I’m looking for—and not—but the “right” shows and hosts seem to be finding me. Such is the blessing of being connected to people like you who dance with complexity, sing with nuance, and stomp to the beat of practical wisdom. 

Conversational mojo

Charlie Gilkey interviewed me about conversational skills for the Productive Flourishing podcast. We riff on quite a range of areas, including the Enneagram, deliberate practice, and how to include many parts of yourself in speaking and listening. It was a joyful ride and filled with surprising insights. Listen to the interview.

Increase the odds of being your best

Every day you show up as a leader, you place a bet. 

It may not be conscious, but it’s real.

Your bet is that the leadership approach you are now taking will produce the results you’ve committed to delivering. Wouldn’t it be nice to increase the odds of this bet paying off?

Let’s say you’ve taken on a big new role. What if, instead of having a 50 percent chance of earning your new team’s trust, you could increase that to 80 percent?

This would be worth something to you.

This is the promise of a customized, actionable approach to growing your leadership. Learn more about working with me here.

My content—curated and organized

Want an easy way to access my best writing and podcast episodes on different topics (conversation micro habits, women in leadership, climate change, racial identity, and growing up as adults)? I’ve got you covered here. 

Yesterday’s email and my anti-White-Fragility Ti-shirt

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Hi Friends,

My email to you yesterday—”Want resilience? (Black) American culture has you covered”—prompted numerous comments and one request. Most were about culture rather than how it makes you resilient, but it’s still early! Allow me to close the loop.

1. There was no link to the online version. Please share.

Oops, true. Here it is: https://amielhandelsman.com/newsletter-071520/

2. Strikes me as brave for you to challenge the white fragility label

Thank you. It’s certainly unfashionable. The Ti-shirt would say “Neither white nor fragile but anti-racist since 2000.” This is when meditation taught me to notice the flurry of ideas of dubious goodness, truth and beauty passing through my mind. Among these then and now are racist ideas that swim in the culture. I would just as soon apologize for breathing oxygen or wearing slacks with a belt.

If Robin DiAngelo, author of White Fragility, said to me, “Admit it. You have racist ideas,” I’d reply, “You betcha. Who doesn’t? My question for you is how to have such ideas rather than letting them have you.” Here, to invert the Heath Brothers (Made to Stick), the goal is to reduce the mind’s adhesive qualities. This leads to practices like meditation, compassionate self-reflection, somatic bodywork and naming-the-Steve Wonder-inside-of-you, all of which sadly aren’t part of today’s White Fragility curriculum. Plus, ironically, DiAngelo treats black folks as delicate members of an undifferentiated mass rather than complex individuals with varying personalities, skills and interests who carry proud heroic traditions, like jazz and overcoming adversity, that have always been deeply influenced by and interwoven into other dimensions of American culture. See: Henry Louis Gates, Colored People; Albert Murray, Omni-Americans; Charles Johnson, Middle Passage; or anything by Toni Morrison. 

3. This is a much-needed approach, Amiel. All the hangdog/pain/victim stuff gets old, stale, mind-numbing and counterproductive mighty quickly. It all degenerates into empty rituals and phrase-mongering.

This comment came from a successful professional writer who in a much earlier life worked for the Nation of Islam and has tracked this topic for decades. It highlights how aligning with an ideology can cause well-meaning people to produce unintended consequences they might regret. This traps opens widely when everyone you know is reading the same books and citing the same experts. Ironically, today’s most popular thinker on anti-racism, Ibram Kendi, has a far more complex and nuanced take than many people who cite him. In Stamped from the Beginning, he says that there are no racist people, only racist ideas; that many civil rights leaders we admire used racist ideas to justify their positions (lesson for you and me: there’s no shame in having racist ideas, only in holding them); and that altruism is a self-defeating motivation for action.

4. I have been really struggling with the more absolutist/monolithic aspects of BLM/antiracism and the like, yet I have been terrified to say much of anything publicly.

I’m hearing this a lot, especially from light-skinned folks who for years have been taking actions that today we’d call anti-racist. (In college I attended several Black Student Association meetings mostly out of curiosity but also to listen for new perspectives). Such silencing of would-be partners is another unintended consequence of an unreflective version of the anti-racism/white fragility ideology.  Although it feels noble and contains important truths, it evokes shame and sends cortisol and other stress hormones hurtling through the nervous system.

Thanks, everyone, for the comments!

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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Want resilience? (Black) American culture has you covered (July 15, 2020 issue)

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Hi Friends,

I hope you enjoy this week’s actionable insights. Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

Black lives matter. Black heroes matter, too.

This, in a nutshell, is the theme of this week’s email. I bring together in an unexpected and hopefully refreshing way two big conversations:

  1. How do you build resilience in yourself, your team, and your family amidst Covid, organizational changes, and economic uncertainty?
  2. How are you responding to the killing of George Floyd and all it represents?

I think it’s time to breathe complexity into the second conversation in a way that offers us practical wisdom for dealing with the first.

Simply put, if you want to build resilience in the people around you and do something noble for the larger world—particularly if you don’t identify your cultural roots as primarily black American—these resources may be valuable. In fact, as I said about Stevie Wonder last week during my 50th birthday party when two partygoers sang to me his version of Happy Birthday, they’re likely already part of you, whether you know it or not.

Want resilience? Use these two resources from (black) American culture

I include the word “black” because women and men of darker complexion contributed disproportionately to these resources for overcoming adversity. Credit where credit is due. I put “black” in parentheses because these are fundamentally American cultural resources that are valuable right now to all Americans (and readers from other countries).

1. Jazz. Many call it America’s original art form. This music invites many things, but stagnation and resignation are not among them. When I’m looking to move through difficult emotions, I listen to Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington (and Earth, Wind & Fire—more on that another time!) There’s a reason these rhythms are the perfect antidote to aching hearts and weary souls. They were born in adversity and grew through courageous improvisation, led by Americans of dark complexion. I recently came across these words from Ralph Ellison, which seem well suited to our moment:

During the Depression whenever [Duke Ellington’s] theme song ‘East St. Louis Toodle-oo’ came on the air, our morale was lifted by something inescapably hopeful in the sound. Its style was so triumphant and the moody melody so successful in capturing the times, yet so expressive of the faith which would see us through them.

2. Heroic tales of overcoming. Last time I wrote that Harriet Tubman is the quintessential American hero. This is what I remember learning in elementary school, and it made sense. In the mind of an 11-year-old, I don’t really understand slavery, and this is a lot to take in, but what she accomplished was really really hard! Yet somehow in today’s public conversation this part of history gets left out. Apparently, my job as a light-skinned man is to learn how black Americans have been screwed. OK. That sure is better than ignorance, and it’s a beat I’ve been on since college. But why stop there? Isn’t there more to the story than a people’s suffering? And if talking about this topic made me “fragile” (which it doesn’t, and even the “white” half of “white fragility” is a dubious proposition), wouldn’t I want to approach it in a way that made me strong or at least able to manage my own difficult emotions? Here’s an idea: what if every time you or I heard a story of suffering or oppression, we took it upon ourselves to search for the concurrent story of heroism and overcoming? Here are three reasons for doing this: 

First, it happened. The history is there. In the words of American writer, Albert Murray:

As for the tactics of the fugitive slaves, the Underground Railroad was not only an innovation, it was also an extension of the American quest for democracy brought to its highest level of epic heroism. Nobody tried to sabotage the Mayflower.

Second, human beings of every hue are so damn complex that a single narrative about anyone, however noble in intent, doesn’t cut it.

Finally, and here’s the kicker. You, I, and everyone we know needs these stories. Times are hard and uncertain, and we draw strength from our common history. And by “our” I mean all of us. If you don’t think that black American history isn’t part of who you are, think again. The culture we inherit is hybrid. Our cultural ancestors include everyone from Harriet Tubman and Daniel Boone to so-called WASPs and my Jewish great grandparents from Ukraine and Hungary.

Black Heroes Matter.

Cheerfully real,

Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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We are built for distraction and grow into listening (May 6, 2020 issue)

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Hi Friends,

I hope you enjoy this week’s actionable insights. Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

Reader comments on the personal story I told last week

Hilary Bradbury, Principal of AR+ Foundation, writes:

“Sharing your experience of bullying is important. Bullying is pervasive and an important window on how to use power. Over the years I have heard that most men were involved in bullying as victims and/or perpetrators. Many women also experience men’s bullying in the adult form of sexual harassment. (Girls’ bullying of other women is its own topic.).  Either way, these early years shape us greatly. Nasty experiences can also be teachers. If we “compost” the bullying, it allows for developing self and others toward a kinder, more full spectrum humanity.”

How I learned to ask good questions

When I was 22 and doing the job a 40 year old did before me, I had what now we call imposter syndrome. I was afraid the senior leaders I was consulting to would discover my age and inexperience, even in simple phone interviews.

My mentor at the time gave me this advice: “Act like you don’t know anything and ask open-ended questions, and you’ll learn a lot.”

In many ways I didn’t know anything, but the advice still worked. Here I was afraid people would discover how young I was. What happened instead is that my age mattered far less to people than how they felt being truly listened to.

Why isn’t everyone better at listening? 

1. You are built for distraction. The human nervous system was constructed in an era when physical survival mattered more than interpersonal competence.

2. The personality type you (never) ordered comes with a listening filter. This filter decides what to let in and what to keep out. Mine involves questions like“Is this safe?” and “Can I trust this?” These aren’t useless, but they block out 90 percent of reality. Your listening filter may involve different questions, like  “Is he lying?” “Do they like me?” “What needs fixing?” or “Will this cause conflict?”

3. You grow into listening. This involves new habits. Few schools and organizations teach these.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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This high school experience is why I help some leaders gain power and others use it responsibly

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Hi Friends,

This week: a personal story about power and my heart, what I’m reading, and a marital example of minimum effective dose. Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

Why I help some leaders gain power and others use it responsibly

I’ve never shared this publicly. In high school, by outward appearance, I was successful and healthy. A top student. Varsity athlete in two sports (granted: small school). No drugs of any kind. Amiable (for a time, my nickname). Yet, on the inside, I was hurting.

The reason? Day after day, year after year, a group of boys teased me mercilessly. On Tuesday, it was about my big head of hair (yeah, go figure). On Wednesday, why only an “ugly girl” would like me. On Thursday, how I completed assignments a week early. Not cool.

Today we call this bullying. Back then it was just how things were.

While it was happening, I don’t remember sharing it with my parents or any other adults. Nor do I recall any teachers stepping in. Most painfully, my best friend not only didn’t have my back, but he regularly joined in the ribbing.

Nobody was there to listen to me and validate my experience. Nobody to say, “Amiel, there is nothing wrong with you.” Nobody to advise me how to respond.

The heart that was wounded then is the same heart that shows up today at work and in the rest of life. This is why I pay attention to power dynamics and how they affects people. It’s why, when I encounter someone getting the short end of the stick, I long to see them stand up for themselves—for their own dignity and health, and for the good of all. And it’s why, when I work with someone who takes up too much space or abuses their power, if they want to change, you’d better believe I’m going to help them.

What I’m reading

Working by Robert Caro, famed biographer of Lyndon Johnson and chronicler of how people gain power and use it

The following excerpt captures brilliantly what happens when I interview my client’s colleagues about what she is like to work with:

“My interviewees sometimes get quite annoyed with me because I keep asking them ‘What did you see? If I was standing beside you at the time, what would I have seen?’ I’ve had people get really angry at me. But if you ask it often enough, sometimes you make them see.”

Minimum effective dose

A corrective for things in life you tend to overdo

When my wife speaks to me from across the house…

  • Overdose: “Julie, I can’t hear you. You’re two rooms away, and there’s music. How could you possibly expect me to hear you?”
  • Minimal effective dose: “Julie. I can’t hear you. Could you please say that again?”

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Three conversations to create pockets of certainty amidst Covid-19

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Hi Friends,

I call this a burst of timely wisdom. But you tell me. Is it timely? See any wisdom? Hit Reply and let me know.

Why does uncertainty feel so painful?

The uncertainty we all feel due to Covid-19 is gigantic in scale and enormous in emotional impact. As my seven-year-old might say, it’s “ginormous.” Even the most resilient among us are getting knocked on our behinds. Why is this?

Brain science provides an answer. Here’s David Rock, founder of the NeuroLeadership Institute: “Uncertainty registers (in a part of the brain called the anterior cingulate cortex) as an error, gap, or tension: something that must be corrected before one can feel comfortable again. That is why people crave certainty. Not knowing what will happen next can be profoundly debilitating because it requires extra neural energy.”

It isn’t you. It isn’t me. It’s our brains!

Why “hunkering down” won’t make anything or anyone better

One way many leaders respond to uncertainty is by “hunkering down'” or “keeping their heads down.” The rationale goes something like this “I don’t know what’s going to happen next, and it’s not in my hands, so what can I do?”

The implied answer: do nothing. Why don’t we ask the same question, not with resignation, but with curiosity. What can I do?

Three conversations that can calm people’s brains by creating pockets of certainty

If uncertainty accelerates the brain’s threat response system, what slows it down? In leadership, conversations are the center of the universe, so let’s start there. Here are three conversations you can initiate to calm others’ nervous systems:

1. “How we will decide”

Say you’re the President of a university. Everyone wants to know what will happen in the fall. Will the school be open? If so, how will that work? If not, what does this mean for students, faculty and staff? It will be a few months before you can answer these questions, so you may be tempted to stay quiet until then. Here’s an alternative: have a conversation with people about how you will decide what to do in the fall. Walk them through the criteria you will use, the impacts you will consider, and the facts that will come into play. This will create a pocket of certainty in people’s brains.

If you haven’t thought any of this through yet, start today. If you need to involve others—like a faculty council or planning task force—to create the criteria, initiate those conversations now.

2. “What happens next”

This conversation is about time. What are the key dates in the coming weeks and months that you want everyone in the university to know about? What will happen on each date? What won’t happen on each date? The clarity that people experience in learning this will register in their brains as a form of certainty.

Make sure everyone is clear. Create visuals. Invite questions. Take the time to explain things. Remember: understanding and the certainty it brings lives in the eyes of the beholder.

3. “What we can offer”

This conversation is most valuable if you’re a level or more below the top of the organization. Let’s say you’re a VP in a large company, and you’re waiting for more senior leaders to tell you what’s next. What can you and your team do until then?

Reframe the moment. What you’ve called “waiting” is actually a hint from the universe to take the initiative. Gather your team together and come up with a project that builds on its strengths and adds real value. Build this into an offer that you can make to senior leaders. If they accept, you’ve just positioned your team well. If not, you’ve exercised the thinking, collaborating and doing muscles that otherwise would atrophy.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Women leaders’ double bind in one graph

Women leaders’ double bind in one graph

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Hi Friends,

Here’s something I sketched a while back. It’s based on stories I heard from clients and interviews from the podcast.

  • What this says: women leaders who thrive walk a fine line between being too assertive and not assertive enough. Men typically have more leeway.
  • What this is: an orienting generalization. It offers a valuable insight but doesn’t intend to apply to every person and situation.
  • What this isn’t: an indictment of men…or women…or coaches, who are supposed to help make all of this better!
  • What’s amazing: how many women leaders navigate this terrain with finesse
  • What’s missing: unconscious bias, leadership styles, levels of leadership maturity, women-run organizations, women’s shadows, and 99 other dimensions of our complex reality

What do you make of this?

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

Sharing

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