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That time he didn’t cancel his request—the power of declaring breakdowns

by amiel · Sep 7, 2017

When historians look back at my son’s outburst after I wiped his nose with a Kleenex (described last week), they will highlight his rage and my awkward response. A classic case of resenting unwanted help.

But what if things had turned out differently? What if I had fulfilled my son’s request to put the mucus back in his nose…and keep it there?

And what if, during the time I was prototyping this innovation, my son had changed his mind yet not informed me?

In other words, what if, after the mucus was back in his nose, he had turned to me and said, “Daddy, I changed my mind. I don’t want the mucus in my nose!”

History books would have recorded this incident differently. Perhaps…Chapter 7: An Uncanceled Request Starts a Family War. In this rendering, roles would reverse: my son would be the villain, and I would be the furious victim.

Sound familiar?

It’s the most frustrating thing. You agree to do something your colleague has requested. You take care to deliver on time and “to spec.” Then, when you say “It’s done,” they say, “Thanks, but I didn’t need that after all.”

When this happens, your reaction may look something like this: “He’s jerking me around.“ She’s doesn’t care.” “I don’t trust him.” “She is oblivious.”

Or simply WTF!

These responses are understandable yet unproductive.

Ascribing motivation to the other person in this situation has two flaws:

You don’t know their intent, only what they did.
It’s not actionable. What are you going to do, say to them “Stop jerking me around?” That won’t go well.

I prefer to call this behavior failing to cancel a request. It’s both more accurate and more actionable.

Here’s what I mean by canceling a request: Someone asks you to do something, then changes their mind or finds another way to get it done. The responsible thing for them to do is immediately reach out to you and say, “You know that thing I asked you to do? I just learned that I don’t need your help any more. I’m canceling my request.”

They can apologize, add a bunch of niceties, and so on, but the key is to say “I cancel my request.”

Benefits of canceling requests

Let’s say you are the one who realizes you no longer need something you requested. What are the benefits of immediately reaching out to cancel the request ?

The other person can redirect their energies to other commitments.
The other person knows you respect their time, so they feel better than if you had said nothing. They may not be joyful but are less likely to be resentful. Their day will likely go better.
The other person leaves this exchange with more trust that you care about them. It’s good for the relationship.
You don’t have to avoid the other person in the hallway.

Declare a breakdown

Canceling a request is an example of declaring a breakdown. Something has gone amiss in the action you are coordinating with another person, so you are raising your hand and, without necessarily using these words, saying “Hey, let’s pause a moment here. Something’s changed, so I am canceling my request.”

In fact, it’s often helpful to say “I’m declaring a breakdown” and then go on to cancel the request. (In your organization or family, you might agree to use different terms to declare a breakdown.)

The words “I’m declaring a breakdown” (or whatever you agree to say in your organization) signify to the other person that you are in a particular context, are about to start a particular type of conversation, and are approaching this conversation in certain moods.

The context is that something has broken down in managing a commitment. In this case, you no longer need them to do what you requested.
The conversation you are entering is one where you will name what has happened, explore together what’s behind this and what it means, and agree on what actions to take next.
The moods you are bringing to the conversation can vary but are likely a combination of curiosity (“I wonder what just happened?”) and resolve (“Let’s take care of this!”). Less helpful is to enter it with a mood of resentment, guilt, or resignation.

Declaring a breakdown opens up a space of possibility for getting the committed action back on track and mending relationships.

Here’s the cool thing: either you or the other person can declare a breakdown, because what matters isn’t who’s right or wrong but who first notices that something has broken down.

Here are two forms this can take around canceling requests:

If someone fails to cancel a request to you, don’t silently seethe. Have a conversation where you declare a breakdown, describe the impact on you, ask for their side of the story, and then ask them to cancel their requests in the future.
If you fail to chancel a request to others, declare a breakdown, apologize, take time to understand the impact on them…and then change your habits. The next time you realize you don’t need something you’ve requested, declare a breakdown and cancel your request.

Other conversational moves after you have a promise

Although this article is about canceling requests, this is not the only important conversational move to make after you and another person have agreed to a committed action.

Other useful actions to take when managing commitments include

Checking in on progress
Renegotiating or canceling promises you have made
Reporting completion when you’ve delivered on the promise
Declaring satisfaction (when the other person has delivered what they promised)
Making a responsible complaint (when you think they haven’t)
Checking your assumptions about what you originally agreed to.

Each of these actions serves an important function in bringing about positive results, preserving trust, and increasing freedom and dignity in the organization.

Why people resent your help and the power of offers and requests

by amiel · Aug 30, 2017

Helping others succeed in their jobs requires more than generosity. You need to understand what matters to them. For example, have you ever started counseling a direct report about his career and then noticed that he wanted to bolt the room? Or given a peer resources for her big project, then found yourself on the receiving end of a stiff arm?

That’s not fun. Surely, there is better way to give people the help they actually want. What is it?

The Case of the Runny Nose

I got a clue to this mystery a few months ago with my then four-year-old son. His nose was running, but he wasn’t doing anything about it. Like a good parent, I grabbed a Kleenex and gently wiped his nose. Easy peasy, right?

Not according to my son.

“Daddy, I want my mucus back.”

Ugh.

“It’s in the tissue.” I opened it up to show him.

“No, Daddy. I want my mucus back in my nose!”

That’s a new one, I thought. How do you get mucus back in the nose? I starting racking my brain for possible methods.

“Daddy, you are stupid!”

Could you simmer down? I’m trying to figure out a way to defeat gravity and reverse your body’s natural physiological processes?

“Daddy, why are you so stupid?

“Look, Z, I know you’re upset. Give me a minute.” Doesn’t he know that I’m working hard on his original request? I don’t have time for new questions. Plus, I haven’t yet figured out why I am so stupid.

“Daddy, why are you a butt face?”

“Z, you know that in our family that’s not how we talk about people.” This isn’t going well. And I’ve lost my train of thought.

“Daddy, I don’t like you.”

No good deed goes unpunished.

I grabbed the Kleenex, marched into the kitchen, and threw it into the trash can.

Surely there is a better way to give people the help they want.

My mistake in this situation (one of many) was to wipe my son’s nose without first asking him. I acted physically without first making an offer.

Quick primer on offers and requests

An offer is a commitment to bring about a particular result by a specific time if the other person accepts. Once they accept, you have made a promise. Sometimes we refer to an offer as a conditional promise, because it’s conditional on acceptance. In this situation, an offer might have been, “Z, I’d like to wipe your nose now. OK with that?”

An offer is one of two ways to initiate committed action through your words. The other way is a request.

A request is also a commitment. Say what? A request is a commitment to be satisfied if someone else brings about an agreed result. Once you make the request and they say “Yes,” you have a promise. In this situation, a hypothetical request might have been, “Daddy, will you wipe my nose?” An actual request Z made was “Daddy, I want my mucus back.” I would have preferred the first request!

Because I didn’t make an offer to my son but instead starting wiping my nose (which we call “performing the promise”), my son had no opportunity to signal whether or not he wanted my help. He had no freedom to choose—not freedom to accept my offer, decline it, make a counteroffer (“Hand me the tissue. I’ll wipe it myself”), or promise to reply later (“I’ll let you know in a minute after I try to do it myself.”)

As a result, my son experienced me as acting on him unilaterally rather than with him in a spirit of mutuality. That’s why he got mad at me.

Things would have gone better if I had started by making an offer…and then waiting for his response.

Lessons for organizations (and families)

People like to choose whether or not to receive help.
Making an offer gives them an opportunity to choose.
To make an offer powerful, ground it in what matters to them—something they actually want or care about.
There is no promise without an acceptance. Promise = Offer + Acceptance
The other person is not required to accept your offer. They have four legitimate ways to respond to it: accept, decline, counteroffer (a different What and/or When), and promise to reply by a specified time.
These same principles apply to requests. Promise = Request + Acceptance. Once someone makes a request of you, you have the same four legitimate responses.
A request becomes a reliable promise when the other person accepts with sincerity and has the competence and reliability to follow through. If they say “Yes” but think “No,” you have an unreliable promise. If they say “Maybe” or “I’ll try,” you have a slippery promise. If they call you a “butt face,” they’re probably too young to be on the payroll.
Healthy families and organizations create the conditions for people to feel free to use all four legitimate responses to offers and requests. And an extra box of tissues always helps.

In part two, “That time he didn’t cancel his request,” I imagine what would have happened if I had successfully placed the mucus back in my son’s nose and he had then gotten angry at me for doing this, then reflect on the power of declaring breakdowns.

More love came, more podcasts coming

by amiel · Aug 21, 2017

Wow! I was surprised and touched by all of the emails I received about last week’s post. Anxiety itself is neither good nor bad. But, apparently, talking about it: very very good!

Seriously, it’s good to reveal a bit of what’s inside and get some love.

As my older son often says to me, I love you more. He also says that he loves his mommy and brother more than me, but you can’t have it all, can you?

Which brings me to my podcast.

Yes, I still have a podcast. Yes, it’s been a slow year. Yes, more episodes are coming soon.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Questions about friendship, parenting, and anxiety [new post]

by amiel · Aug 15, 2017

Last week, I shared questions I’ve been wrestling/playing with as I coach executives, consult to organizations, and consider my impact on the larger world.

This week, I share questions I’m exploring in three other domains: friendship, parenting, and anxiety.

Friendship. What makes a friendship worth pursuing, and how can I recognize the presence or absence of these conditions?

Life offers a big spectrum of relationships. Between casual acquaintances on one end and best friends on the other is a wide variety of ways of relating. Since I was a kid, I’ve had at least one best friend and a variety of buddies. These friendships have offered me companionship, joy, learning, and solace—and occasionally disappointment and pain. In recent years, I’ve been noticing what makes a friendship worth pursuing or sustaining and how to recognize when these conditions are present or missing.

With this clarity has come greater boldness. I’ve started speaking up about what I need in friendship and to a lesser extent what I can offer. I’ve thanked some friends for what I appreciate about our friendship and told others what is lacking. These are hard things to describe, and society provides few teachings or role models, so I stumble along. I tend to overestimate others’ awareness of my needs and underestimate the level of specificity I need to give them. For each friend who has appreciated my candor and vulnerability is another who’s felt confused or hurt. All of these friends are men, so that adds another wrinkle. For many men, friendship is something you do after you’ve finished everything else, if at all. We are stumbling along together.

Parenting. What nourishments do my children need right now, and what can I do to provide them?

My five-year-old son, because of his stage of development, needs loving touch, a safe environment for sensory exploration, and a sense of rightful place. He is a snuggly little guy, so the loving touch comes easily. Due to his temperament and Montessori education, he’s good at playing on his own and with others, and takes delight in kinesthetic explorations.

Rightful place is a bit harder to provide. What boundaries, created with love and held with power, will help him feel like he is right where he belongs? How can I be “the mountain” for him, equal parts compassionate and firm? Asking these questions matters most at the very moments I’m least likely to consider them: when he’s complaining I’ve made his oatmeal the wrong way, clamoring to go outside when it’s time for bed, or angry at his brother, my wife, or me.

My first instinct at these times is to do whatever most quickly quells the disturbance and pacifies the belligerent. These quick fixes may or may not create a short-term solution, but they are unlikely to foster his long-term development. So I catch myself, take a breath, and ask: what does he need right now?

Anxiety. Who am I when I’m not having anxious thoughts?

It’s no secret that my peers and I have our own “stuff.” Even the most mature leadership coaches have blind spots that, if unilluminated, can erode their clients’ trust in them and their ability to grow. Even the most seasoned consultants have idiosyncrasies that, if unattended, can thwart their best designed interventions.

Earlier in my career, I assumed that if I hid my flaws from clients, they would trust me more. Needless to say, that didn’t work out well. It’s hard to trust someone who is hiding themselves from you, especially in a field like leadership development.

These days, I don’t spend a lot of time with leaders talking about myself, but I also don’t avoid it. One thing that I’ve begun speaking about is my own anxiety. No, I don’t tell long stories about my childhood or give detailed descriptions of how my mind catastrophizes. But I do mention, particularly when helping people understand themselves through the Enneagram, that my mind reflexively imagines worst case scenarios (Type Six), and that it takes presence and practice to tame this habit. On rarer occasions I reveal that I take medicine for anxiety; I do this to destigmatize mental illness.

My psychiatrist told me last year that of all of his patients, I’m the one he worries about the least. So he only needs to see me once a year. I told him that of all of his patients, I’m the one I worry about the most.

That’s the thing about anxiety—or any other condition or quality that can trip us up. When it is a subject of our awareness, when we cannot see it, it literally holds us in its grasp. Thus, we can see only what it lets us see, both about others and about ourselves. Nothing else.

What happens when anxiety becomes an object of my awareness, when I can recognize its presence, shape, and form? Instead of it holding me, I hold it. Who is this “I” that is big enough to hold anxiety?

That’s one heck of a fascinating question. I would tell you my latest answers, but I fear what you would think of them. 😉

Three questions on my mind today [new post]

by amiel · Aug 9, 2017

It’s been over a month since I’ve shared a podcast episode or blog post. How are you doing? What questions are on your mind?

Here are three questions that I’ve been wrestling/playing with in different domains of my life:

Executive coaching. How can I support and challenge leaders to practice new conversations on the job?

For the past fifteen years, my work has been guided by a simple premise: all the leadership wisdom in the world matters little unless it shows up in how leaders speak and listen on the job.

How do you know you are a better leader? By shifting the conversations you have and quality of presence you bring to them.

The challenge is how to do this in organizations that devalue preparation, reflection, and feedback (three phases of what I call the “on-the-job practice cycle,” the fourth phase being action); with bosses who rarely had role models for this themselves; and in a culture that squeezes out the inner life.

It’s a big hairy challenge!

Here’s one experiment I’ve been inviting leaders to try:

Designate a specific meeting each day as a practice field. Mark it on your calendar.
Start that meeting by quickly grounding in the body.
Look for opportunities in that meeting to practice specific words, body movement, and breath.
Ask a trusted colleague to give you feedback shortly after the meeting about the specific actions you want them to observe. Ideally, ask them in advance so they are prepared.
Briefly reflect in writing after the meeting—or at the next brief break—about what happened and what you can learn from it.

What can I do to increase the frequency and quality of this practice? What visual, auditory or kinesthetic cues could help? Is there an iPhone app for this?

Organizational consulting. In working with an entire organization, where do my interventions have the greatest impact?

During my first ten professional years, I exclusively consulted. During the second ten years, I did mostly one-on-one executive coaching. The past few years have seen a mix of the two. I’ve worked with entire leadership teams, advised executives and HR about system-wide succession planning and leadership development, shadow coached teams in action, and simply hung around waiting for people to pull me over for a question or request.

I think of these less as services than as experiments in having impact.

Where is my time best spent—and who gets to decide this? How do I assess requests coming my way, and what guides me in making counteroffers and new offers? Since I have to make a living and like being respected, how do money and public identity play into all of this?

Public Calling. In the age of DJT (my abbreviation for the current U.S. president’s name), how might I redirect my energy toward a better global future?

I’ve made no secret of my opinion of the current President and the grave threat he brings each day he remains in office. A lot of my writing and podcasting has been devoted to this topic. And for years, I’ve felt dedicated to promoting clean energy, slowing global warming, and supporting community resilience. Yet with a few notable exceptions, these commitments have shown up more in my public voice than in my day-to-day client work, and my public participation itself has been sporadic and, by my assessment, of negligible impact.

So, looking at the next six months—and, beyond that, the next few years—what’s possible? How might these commitments find expression in my coaching and consulting? If I were to invest more time on my public voice, what forms might this take? How about a daily podcast devoted to high-quality interviews on topics of broad public interest (likely at the intersection of politics and leadership) to attract listeners and sponsors?

These are three questions on my mind today.

Next week: questions about three other domains: friendship, parenting, and presence

Episode 68: Timeless Wisdom For Men With Sean LeClaire [The Amiel Show]

by amiel · Jun 27, 2017

Men, this episode is for you.

Executive coach and author Sean Casey LeClaire joins me to describe his remarkable journey from a rough-and-tumble working poor hometown through flirtation with a professional sports career toward early success as an advertising executive and then discovery of what he calls “timeless wisdom.” This interview is filled with heartfelt stories about aspiration, loss, anger, challenge, and the still, graceful space within each of us.

Sean’s autobiographical tale provides the emotional core of my emerging series on Men in Leadership. It joins past conversations with Robert Augustus Masters about true masculine power, Janet Crawford on being a good guy and breaking with the bro code, and Keith Witt on men’s sexual shadow at work, as well as a Jedi Leadership Trick I call The Manly Apology.

Listen in, and send me an email to tell me which story resonated with you the most.

Highlights

9:00 Growing up with sports, violence, and poetry
14:00 Putting on a mask to stay alive
16:00 Rick, Jim, and the power of a gentle challenge
24:00 Anger and archetypal gestures
27:30 The story of hugging an angry man
34:30 A friend’s suicide and discovering yoga
37:00 Sean reads his poem “If I stopped”
45:30 When people think Sean is crazy or arrogant
49:00 When coaches get co-opted by sickness in corporations
53:30 Sean reads his poem “Parts”
58:00 Sean’s son champions him through the frustrating construction of a Darth Vader scooter

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Stop Agreeing To Unclear Requests

by amiel · Jun 15, 2017

Unclear requests wreak havoc in organizations, families, friendships, and civic life.

This is particularly true when the one receiving the request blindly says “yes.”

What is an unclear request? It’s when you ask me to do something but are vague about what you want.

Scenario A: Omission of the “What”

Imagine that you are the design manager for a team creating a new product for the home refrigerator. When attached to the fridge, it senses when the door isn’t closed all the way and emits a sound. When Henry Homeowner hears this sound, he knows to go back and find out what’s blocking the door.

I’m your lead designer, and we have a preliminary conversation about the product and what it will do. You close by saying to me, “Give me something by Thursday at 5pm.”

I think to myself, Hmm, I don’t really know what “something” means, but that’s what they pay me to do, and I don’t want to look stupid by asking a question. So I say, “You got it, boss.”

I work hard on this for three days, and on Thursday afternoon give you what you asked for. Ten minutes later, the phone rings. “That is not what I asked for” you say with audible frustration. I feel dejected and angry. What a waste of time!

Scenario B: Omission of the “When”

Same product, people, and situation. But this time, you say, “Give me a 3D prototype with basic specs next week.” This is a different type of unclear request.

When I hear this, I understand what will satisfy you and know that it’s urgent. So I shift my schedule around to allow me to get you the prototype by next Friday at noon, five hours before your deadline.

On Wednesday morning, you knock on my door. “Where’s the prototype?” you ask.

My throat tightens, and pressure mounts in my forehead. In a low apologetic voice, I reply, “I’m working on it.”

The frown on your face tells me that this isn’t the answer you were looking for. “I told you I needed it this week. We’re already halfway through the week.”

Oops.

Scenario C: Omission of the “What” and the “When”

Same product, people, and situation. This time, you say, “Give me something ASAP.” This is still another type of unclear request.

Although I don’t know what will satisfy you or when you want it, I agree to the request.

What happens next: as the saying goes, I get my just dessert.

Who messed up?

When it’s time for the team’s annual Broken Trust Awards, which one of us gets to walk away with a medal?

The answer, of course, is both. You receive the Fuzzy Duddy Award for making the unclear request. I get the Dummy Award for accepting it.

What can I do differently?

The obvious answer to unclear requests is to resent you for being so unclear. You’re the manager. You’re supposed to know what you’re talking about. Stop jerking me around!

Or, I can own up to my part of the situation. The next time you make an unclear request, I choose to do one of the following:

Ask for clarification. “I get what you’re looking for and want to make sure I understand when exactly you want it. You said ‘next week.’ When during the week did you have in mind?”
Propose something more specific. “OK, so you want something by Thursday at 5pm. I want to make sure that we are on the same page in terms of what you want. If I gave you a table of features and benefits, will this work for you, or did you have something else in mind?”
Promise to propose something more specific. “I’ve got the timeframe and understand that it may not be clear exactly what you’re looking for. What I’d like to do is take two hours and come back to you with a proposal for what I’ll have for you by Thursday at 5pm. Will this work for you?”

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