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Adult development

Episode 39: Elizabeth Doty On Making Only Promises You Can Keep [The Amiel Show]

Episode 39: Elizabeth Doty On Making Only Promises You Can Keep [The Amiel Show]

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Elizabeth Doty is on a mission to focus leaders on their most critical commitments. In Episode 39 of the podcast, this seasoned consultant, author, and frequent contributor to Strategy + Business joins me to ask:

  • What if we were to take our commitments to each other so seriously that we made only the ones we knew we could keep?
  • What if companies recognized that the reliability of their promises to customers and society was central to their success?
  • What if teams stopped waiting around for new leaders to define direction and instead said, “Here’s a proposal for the next three months. Can you support this?”

I think you’ll get great value from this invigorating, high impact conversation. Please share with your friends!

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Highlights

  • 5:00 “The company made me a liar.”
  • 7:20 When businesses drift from their promises
  • 13:30 Why scapegoating CEOs or “rogue employees” doesn’t improve outcomes
  • 16:30 Creating shared maps of different parts of the system
  • 18:00 The peril of new leaders ignoring existing commitments
  • 27:00 The measurable benefits of companies keeping commitments
  • 33:00 A “no harm” diamond company commits to a simple rule
  • 41:00 What teams can do during leadership changes instead of waiting for direction
  • 46:30 Why keeping your head down is risky
  • 48:00 The power of “irrational generosity” during downward spirals
  • 52:30 A hopeful story about promises, money, and career trajectories

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There is an art in crafting commitments and being clear what we’re committing to.

–Elizabeth Doty   Tweet this quote

A recipe for stalling: change your leaders often or put your strategy into question.

–Elizabeth Doty   Tweet this quote

Explore Additional Resources

Liberating structures, a concept introduced by Bill Torbert
Strategy maps—articles by Robert Kaplan and David Norton in Strategic Finance and HBR

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Episode 38: Dr. Keith Witt On Creating A Marital Love Affair [The Amiel Show]

Episode 38: Dr. Keith Witt On Creating A Marital Love Affair [The Amiel Show]

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For the past few years, I have identified a “personal hero of the year,” someone who has inspired me to be a wiser, more loving, and more courageous person. In 2015, my personal hero of the year was marriage expert Dr. Keith Witt.

Dr. Keith is an integral psychotherapist, author, big thinker, and “therapist in the wild.”

In this rich and entertaining interview, we talk about about creating marital love affairs, improving sex, and developing the skills of a self-regulating adult in relationship. Get ready for a very valuable hour!

Dr Keith Witt

Highlights

  • 5:00  How healthy marriages improve happiness, physical health, longevity, and children’s lives
  • 9:45 Why it’s not surprising that marriage becomes less passionate over time
  • 14:30 Why cheating on your spouse can seem to “appear out of nowhere”
  • 18:30 When commitment shifts to “I’ll do what it takes”
  • 20:00 Why some marriages get better after kids
  • 24:30 White knuckle monogamy
  • 29:00 Defensive states and the role of self-regulation skills
  • 37:30 The role of sex in mending relationships
  • 39:30 Getting in touch with you masculine and feminine core
  • 45:00 How your attachment style as an infant affects your adult relationships
  • 48:30 Using differentiation to improve sex
  • 50:00 Improving sex – different advice from five leading relationship experts
  • 56:00 Dr. Keith’s “two rules for guys” and “two rules for women”
  • 1:00:00 Makeup sex

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Couples are not taught about defensive states or how to self-regulate

–Dr. Keith Witt   Tweet this quote

 

The martial love affair requires conscious attention

–Dr. Keith Witt   Tweet this quote

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Episode 37: Susanne Cook-Greuter On Leadership Maturity, Part 2 [The Amiel Show]

Episode 37: Susanne Cook-Greuter On Leadership Maturity, Part 2 [The Amiel Show]

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In Part 1 of my interview with Dr. Susanne Cook-Greuter, she gave an overview of the stages of adult development and what they mean for our capacity to handle life’s complexity.

This week, in Part 2, we explore how her model of Leadership Maturity reframes two everyday leadership challenges:

  • How do you approach your job or career?
  • What is it like to be in a pivotal or difficult conversation?

Susanne pic

Highlights

  • 6:00 How three conventional stages of adult development (Socialized Self, Specialist Self, and Independent Self) experience work and career
  • 20:30 Why people at the Relative stage often step outside of the rat race
  • 27:00 At the Interdependent stage, you make sense of historical patterns and construct integrated strategies
  • 31:00 Susanne and I disagree about membership criteria for the Denial of Death club
  • 32:30 How development stages approach pivotal conversations differently
  • 34:00 Why someone may interpret even the most skillful feedback as disapproval of him
  • 44:00 Helping leaders at the Independent stage see how they are not fully responsible when something goes awry
  • 45:30 At the Relative stage, you realize what you can gain by understanding others’ perspectives
  • 48:00 Why Millennials may seek out difference as part of conforming to the emerging culture’s norms
  • 50:00 When paradox becomes the norm–and then the main source of juice

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The depth and capacity of what a person can notice can expand throughout life.

–Susanne Cook-Greuter  Tweet this quote

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Episode 36: Susanne Cook-Greuter On Leadership Maturity, Part 1 [The Amiel Show]

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Often when things go haywire, we blame others or ourselves.

  • “If only I was smarter.”
  • “If only my boss gave me the right responsibilities.”
  • “If only I picked a better boss.”

Susanne pic

What if the source of our troubles wasn’t something wrong with us–or others–but the fact that we haven’t yet developed to our full potential?

When I first came across this concept 15 years ago, I felt a breath of fresh air. What an amazing idea that as adults, we haven’t yet reached the end of the line.

This is the theory of adult development. You can’t look far in this field without running across the name Susanne Cook-Greuter. She is one of the world’s leading researchers, consultants, and coaches in adult development. In fact, many of the world’s leading experts in this area consider her their mentor.

Recently, I had the privilege of spending two hours with Susanne talking about how and why adults develop and what this means for leadership and organizations. This week, join me in enjoying part 1 of that conversation.

Highlights

  • 5:30 What Piaget taught us about child development
  • 13:00 Vertical development becomes mainstream
  • 16:30 The three waves of development: preconventional, conventional, and postconventional. See the chart we discuss here.
  • 24:00 The three stages where 80% of adults in the West live
  • 31:30 The impact of a CEO’s level of development on her organization
  • 33:00 Susanne’s advice for parents of teenagers
  • 43:30 What all adult development models have in common
  • 52:00 How stage models different outside of western culture

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At each developmental stage, there are capacities that weren’t imaginable before

–Susanne Cook-Greuter  Tweet this quote

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Episode 33: Own Your Own Emotions, A Jedi Leadership Trick [The Amiel Show]

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In this 15 minute episode, you will learn one of the keys to emotional mastery: taking responsibility for your own emotions.

Why is it unhelpful to you and others to blame them for how you are feeling?

What changes when you start taking responsibility for your emotions?

Listen in as I answer these questions and describe the five levels of competence of owning your own emotions.

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Episode 31: Hilary Bradbury On Women, Men, Power, And Eros [The Amiel Show]

Episode 31: Hilary Bradbury On Women, Men, Power, And Eros [The Amiel Show]

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Ready for a candid and edgy conversation about power relationships between women and men in the workplace?

Then you’ll want to download this episode and listen on your next car ride, walk, or flight.

Hilary Bradbury joins me to discuss her provocative and inspiring new book, Eros/Power: Love In The Spirit of Inquiry, which you can purchase here.  In this book, Hilary and her coauthor, Bill Torbert, a previous guest on the podcast, use their own autobiographical stories to reveal important yet often hidden dynamics that trip up leaders at work and in the rest of life.

Join me as I talk with this trailblazing leadership coach, organizational consultant, and professor.

Hilary-Bradbury

Highlights

  • First, second, and third person conversations (7:55)
  • The day Hilary got fired, then met Bill Torbert (18:00)
  • The “odd duality” women have about telling the truth (22:00)
  • Being an “eros bomb”, evoking confusion in Bill, and not realizing it (26:30)
  • Having crushes at work is different from acting them out (32:30)
  • Hilary and Bill’s most painful conflict with each other (38:50)
  • How Hilary’s Enneagram type–The Challenger–shows up in her work (48:30)
  • Bill’s great advice for Hilary on handling sexual harassment from a senior colleague of hers (55:10)
  • Hilary’s heartfelt apology and Bill’s graceful response (1:01.00)
  • Hilary’s angrily tells her life partner “I’m not your junior partner” (1:05.00)
  • Hilary and her partner’s weekly relationship-enhancing practice (1:11.00)

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“It’s a tricky thing when women & men try to do this power dance with integrity”

—Hilary Bradbury   Tweet this quote

Buy Hilary and Bill Torbert’s New Book

To purchase and/or review a copy of Eros/Power, click here.

To learn more about the book, read a sample, register for a related workshop, click here.

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Episode 30: The Triple Perspective Combo, A Jedi Leadership Trick [The Amiel Show]

Episode 30: The Triple Perspective Combo, A Jedi Leadership Trick [The Amiel Show]

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This Jedi Leadership Trick is for complex situations where seeing things from a single perspective won’t cut it.

Example: senior leaders in your organization make a decision and ask you to “communicate the message to your team.”

You’re preparing to meet with one person on the team, and you know she won’t be pleased by what she hears. You want to be loyal to senior leaders yet are concerned about the impact on her. And you’re not sure how you feel about it yourself. What do you do?

Listen in as I describe:

  • The three default moves many of us make in this situation–and the risks of each
  • Why it’s important that your response embrace not one, not two, but three different perspectives
  • The three steps you can take to embrace this complex situation with greater skill and less stress

the-triple-perspective-combo

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You can view (and then download) a complete, word-for-word transcript of this episode here.

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