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Deliberate practice

This high school experience is why I help some leaders gain power and others use it responsibly

by amiel · Apr 27, 2020

Hi Friends,

This week: a personal story about power and my heart, what I’m reading, and a marital example of minimum effective dose. Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

Why I help some leaders gain power and others use it responsibly

I’ve never shared this publicly. In high school, by outward appearance, I was successful and healthy. A top student. Varsity athlete in two sports (granted: small school). No drugs of any kind. Amiable (for a time, my nickname). Yet, on the inside, I was hurting.

The reason? Day after day, year after year, a group of boys teased me mercilessly. On Tuesday, it was about my big head of hair (yeah, go figure). On Wednesday, why only an “ugly girl” would like me. On Thursday, how I completed assignments a week early. Not cool.

Today we call this bullying. Back then it was just how things were.

While it was happening, I don’t remember sharing it with my parents or any other adults. Nor do I recall any teachers stepping in. Most painfully, my best friend not only didn’t have my back, but he regularly joined in the ribbing.

Nobody was there to listen to me and validate my experience. Nobody to say, “Amiel, there is nothing wrong with you.” Nobody to advise me how to respond.

The heart that was wounded then is the same heart that shows up today at work and in the rest of life. This is why I pay attention to power dynamics and how they affects people. It’s why, when I encounter someone getting the short end of the stick, I long to see them stand up for themselves—for their own dignity and health, and for the good of all. And it’s why, when I work with someone who takes up too much space or abuses their power, if they want to change, you’d better believe I’m going to help them.

What I’m reading

Working by Robert Caro, famed biographer of Lyndon Johnson and chronicler of how people gain power and use it

The following excerpt captures brilliantly what happens when I interview my client’s colleagues about what she is like to work with:

“My interviewees sometimes get quite annoyed with me because I keep asking them ‘What did you see? If I was standing beside you at the time, what would I have seen?’ I’ve had people get really angry at me. But if you ask it often enough, sometimes you make them see.”

Minimum effective dose

A corrective for things in life you tend to overdo

When my wife speaks to me from across the house…

  • Overdose: “Julie, I can’t hear you. You’re two rooms away, and there’s music. How could you possibly expect me to hear you?”
  • Minimal effective dose: “Julie. I can’t hear you. Could you please say that again?”

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Filed Under: Deliberate practice, Men's leadership, Power and politics, Women's leadership

Putting yourself in their shoes is a conversational skill you can practice

Putting yourself in their shoes is a conversational skill you can practice

by amiel · Feb 4, 2020

In the last newsletter, I introduced the concept of “conversation supplements.” These are specific ways of speaking and listening that put good leadership advice into action.

Now it’s time for an example!

The wise teacher I’m supplementing this week is Jennifer Garvey Berger, a frequent guest on my podcast. In a recent blog post, Jennifer describes why you get trapped in “simple stories” and how to get untrapped. She gives the example of a work colleague you think is undermining you. This thought is a simple story, one that likely limits you and the relationship. Jennifer suggests you put yourself in that person’s shoes by asking yourself, “How is this (annoying and frustrating) person a hero?” The idea isn’t to kill your simple story but acknowledge  that it’s simple and complement it with a different simple story. That way, you capture more complexity and expand your perspective-taking.

It’s a brilliant approach, one used by thousands of leaders.

Think of it as the tastiest salmon in town.

Now let’s supplement that salmon with three side dishes.

  1. Make the advice even more actionable. Jennifer’s advice involves an interior reframe: thinking differently. Let’s carry this into your conversations. What different words would you use while speaking with your colleague—and about her? How might you shift your posture and tone? What new declarations (e.g. “I value our relationship” or “My success depends on yours”) would you make to her? Might you respond differently to past requests you declined? How about inviting her into a conversation practice I call “My Side of the Story, Your Side of the Story?”
  2. Customize it. The Enneagram teaches us that different folks need different strokes. Or, in this case, different interior reframes and conversational supplements. For example, an Eight Challenger could see that their simple story of “undermining” relates to their own unacknowledged vulnerability. In conversation, it would be useful to interrupt their colleague less, inquire more, and explicitly test assumptions. None of this would be useful for a Two Helper. That person would be better off connecting the story of “undermining” to their own resentment from unexpressed needs. They can practice making clear requests, stating explicitly what they need, and responding to requests by saying “no” or counteroffering.
  3. Do conversation drills. Make it more likely you’ll interact skillfully with your colleague through deliberate practice. Conversation skills don’t grow on trees. You build them by practicing repetitively with deep focus and an intention to improve. You can do this off to the side in a dedicated practice session with a friend or mentor. Or you can do this in the middle of a meeting—what I call on-the-job practice.

Here’s what’s so cool about this. You’re bringing it all together. Create a new simple story. Check. Make this actionable through conversation supplements. Check. Customize everything to your Enneagram type. Check. Practice these conversation skills multiple times every day, both on and off the job. Ditto.

When you build on Jennifer’s brilliant advice in these ways, guess what happens? You get to bring your full mojo to the table. You get to expand the capacity for perspective-taking within you. You get to build important skills outside of you.

Filed Under: Adult development, Conflict, Deliberate practice, Promises

Why “aha” moments need conversation supplements (Jan. 22, 2020 issue)

by amiel · Jan 22, 2020

Hi friends,

This week I introduce the notion of conversation supplements and describe how I’m correcting a category error I’ve made in my work.

“Aha” moments need conversation supplements

You read an article about how to grow as a leader, something that resonates. There are now three of these in my Linked In feed: the power of diverse voices, “take a wrecking ball to your company’s iconic practices,” and why emotional intelligence matters more in hiring than technical skill.

“That’s it!” you say to yourself. “That’s so true.”

Your mind is alive and your heart abuzz. This is an “aha” moment.

Then a few weeks pass. Something reminds you of that article, so you go back and reread it. This time, your experience is different. The article’s core idea still strikes a chord, but this time you ask: how can I put this into action? The insight hasn’t changed, but now you want something more: action. What can you dowith the amazing insight? The article has little to offer.

The “aha” isn’t wrong, just incomplete. Like skis without poles or a basketball without an air pump. What the “aha” needs is a supplement—in this case, one that makes it actionable.

That’s what we’re doing here. We’re in the supplements business. Instead of selling Vitamin D for bones or Melatonin for sleep, I’m offering supplements for leadership. Action happens through conversation, so what you’re getting are conversation supplements.

Consider three categories of supplements: speaking, listening, and day architecture (who you talk with, when these conversations happen, and what you do before and after them). In my conversation pantry are hundreds of supplements in these categories. Here’s a sampling:

  • Supplements for speaking:  elements of powerful offers, four ways to respond to requests, framing difficult conversations, possibility conversations for shifting mood, flipping complaints to commitments, “My Assessment, Your Assessment,” and “Help me understand.”
  • Supplements for listening: paraphrasing, clarifying questions, putting distracting thoughts on paper, drinking water, “Two Feet, Five Breaths,” wiggling your toes, and imagining a chord of light connecting your heart with someone else’s (strangely effective).
  • Supplements for day architecture: weekly conversation audits, set times to check email, regular breaks, cancelling or shortening meetings, focused journaling, extended “work sprints” for solo thinking and deep work, sleep hygiene, and restroom visits.

After you start taking supplements, life takes on new forms. You have something to do. When you re-read that article, your thinking shifts. Before it was “I love that idea but what can I do with it?” Now, it’s “Thank you, dear insight, for kicking my new listening practice into gear.”

I’m correcting a “category error”

I think a lot about politics, history, and civic culture. In the final days of 2019, I realized I’ve been making a category error: mixing these interests with leadership development. The reasons were noble enough: to share insights and feel whole. But I now see this as less synthesis than confusing conglomeration. Most of you are here for my leadership ideas and practices, not extended explorations of the fate of liberal democracy or strategies for handling climate change. In the future, I will be correcting this category error by separating these interests. This newsletter will continue to focus on leadership development. If politics enters the picture, it will be directly connected to leadership development. I’ll use other channels to discuss politics, climate, and history. Sound like a good idea? Terrible idea?  If you have strong thoughts either way, let me hear them.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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Filed Under: Deliberate practice

How to build emotional intelligence while you listen (Jan. 8, 2020 issue)

by amiel · Jan 8, 2020

Hi friends,

Happy New Year. This week I offer you two tasty and healthy conversational dishes. 

Build emotional intelligence while you listen

“I want to be more emotionally intelligent so I can listen better.”

—Every person who has ever taken a class on the topic

This is backwards. Don’t confuse emotional intelligence for a car you build in the factory and then ship to customers. It isn’t something you carry, fully designed and with a sparkling paint job, into conversation.  Emotional intelligence grows through conversation. You become emotionally intelligent by practicing listening in a real interaction with another human being. There are a lot of ways to do this. 

But before you can practice, you have to get over the fallacy of fakery. The same people who tell you to listen better also have a radar for inauthenticity. This helps prevent bona fide Fakers from manipulating others. But you’re not a Faker. You’re a beginner. What beginners do is practice. It’s awkward. It’s difficult. But you do it to get better.

Start improving your listening by using what I call the on-the-job practice cycle. First you prepare yourself for the conversation (what kind of conversation will this be? What will I be listening for? What could distract me?). Then, while having the conversation, you “go to the balcony” and watch yourself down on stage (How’s my listening now? Is my mind replaying old tapes?) Afterward, you reflect on the conversation (When did I listen well? When did I get distracted?) and perhaps get feedback from others.

Why aren’t we better at listening? The answer is that we forget to practice it. Luckily, every conversation offers you this opportunity. 

Reading history and talking about the future

In a democracy, as in organizations, the future matters yet gets squeezed out by trivial matters. Firefighting substitutes for imagining tomorrow. 

This is why I read history. It reminds me that our lives exist in time, nothing is inevitable, and civilizations and organizations are fragile. In short: choices matter. 

For example, the supremacy of the iPhone wasn’t divinely ordained. Its rise partly stemmed from the fall of the Blackberry, a story not only of technology but also of leadership and interpersonal dynamics. 

Consider, too, the political (and cultural, and climate, and leadership, and foreign policy, and…) crises we face in my country, the United States. We can’t get out of them by merely resisting, nor by burying our heads in the sand or throwing up our hands in confusion. We need conversations about the future, particularly focused on what’s possible. Otherwise, we end up caught in what Yale historian Timothy Snyder calls the “politics of eternity,” where demagogues rule, private life shrinks, and you lose your freedom strut. (The freedom strut is a term I just invented for how you walk when you aren’t worried someone is going to report you to the authorities. It’s a privilege much of the world doesn’t have.)

At recent holiday parties, I asked people two questions: What will you do if Mr. Trump wins? What will you do if he loses? Nobody had much to say about either scenario. But this is the type of imagining that in our politics and organizations we need more, not less, of.

Such is the irony of history. It’s about the past, but it reminds us to have conversations about the future. This is why I just finished my third reading of Thinking the Twentieth Century by Tony Judt and Timothy Snyder and am now immersed in Marci Shore’s The Taste of Ashes: The Afterlife of Totalitarianism in Eastern Europe. 

Did I mention that possibility conversations are useful in every area of your life, that you can develop this skill through deliberate practice? I’ll read the history if you do the practice. Deal?

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman
P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Filed Under: Business narratives, Citizen action, Deliberate practice, Emotions, Power and politics

Why pausing makes you smarter (Dec. 18, 2019 issue)

by amiel · Dec 18, 2019

Hi friends,

The other day, I was minding my own business, thinking small thoughts devoid of insight or humor, when I came across this quote from a writer claiming to be my taller, stronger younger brother. As you’ll see, it’s the perfect lead in for today’s email.

“I always say “yes” — even when no one is asking a question, or speaking, or physically near me.”

—Alex Baia, in McSweeneys

Saying yes to an unclear request is like eating food blindfolded

You’re expected to take an action, but you don’t know what you’re dealing with, why it’s coming your way, or what will happen if you follow through.

Now you know the first thing to do when someone makes a request of you. Ask yourself: is it clear what they want and when they want it by? If not, ask them to clarify.

Clarifying requests for the win!

Pausing makes you powerful

You can achieve incredible breakthroughs by pausing before you speak. Just one short pause! There may be no better way to idiot proof your emotional intelligence. Consider:

  • That thing you predicted would go wrong did go wrong. You feel these words emerging from your body: Why didn’t you listen to me the first time? Then a lightbulb goes on inside your head: There I go again, doing the grumpy devil’s advocate thing. You bite your tongue and take three deep breaths. Moment of arrogant indignation averted.
  • Your teammate is describing why she thinks a new customer strategy may fail. She’s smart and persuasive, but you think she’s forgetting a important fact. You lean forward and move your hands into the I’m interrupting you position. The guy next to you shoots you an evil look. The message is clear: Hey, buddy, you don’t have the floor. Hold your fire. You realize this is one of those moments when the good guy keeps listening. You wiggle your toes to discharge energy and keep your mouth shut. A small win for the new bro code.
  • Tall Guy from a different business unit asks you to do him a favor. It involves undermining a colleague who recently undermined you. Eye for an eye, right? You nod your head up and down and are about to verbalize this Yes. Then something surprising happens. Your hands start sweating and you feel a dull throbbing pain in your neck. What are these sensations all about? It’s hard to tell, but they’re sending you a signal. Hold your horses! Instead of saying “Yes”, you pull a Jedi Leadership Trick out of your pocket: the paraphrase. “Let me make sure I understand what you’re asking: you’d like me to________.” When your colleague hears this request reflected back to him, something shifts. “On second thought,” he tells you. “Cancel that favor.”

It’s interesting to see what big effects these little shifts in your conversational routine can have.

Listening better is like fixing a clogged toilet

You can’t fix a clogged toilet by flushing it harder. You have to remove the obstacle. Listening is the same way. The best way to listen better isn’t to stretch each ear open two millimeters more or turn your head 15 degrees. It’s to eliminate the things that are blocking you from listening.

Here’s the thing about obstacles to listening. There aren’t a thousand of them. A relatively small number of obstacles clog people’s listening over and over again. In a probability cloud, you’d find one or two showing up most often.

This is another area where the Enneagram shines. Each Enneagram type has its own patented obstacles to listening. For One/Perfectionist, it’s the urge to be right. For Eight/Challenger, it’s the avoidance of vulnerability. For Nine/Peacemaker, it’s keeping the peace.

That’s the great thing about identifying the key obstacle to your listening. Once you identify it, you can remove it.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Filed Under: Deliberate practice, Men's leadership, Newsletters, Promises, Somatic work, Women's leadership

Don’t bet everything on the heart (Dec. 11, 2019 issue)

by amiel · Dec 12, 2019

Hi friends,

Last week I repaired the dishwasher, took two boys to Lice Knowing You, and planted a tree. But enough about me. Let’s talk about our hearts, his impeachment, your sanity, and why I love the Enneagram despite the risks of misuse.

Don’t bet everything on the heart

When it comes to encouraging the heart, I’m all in. But let’s not overstate what the heart alone can do. You’ve heard the advice: get clear on your intentions, and the rest with follow. Many leadership teachers offer a rendition of this. Jerry Colonna, author of Reboot and “the coach who makes CEOs weep”, says, “If you know your heart, you’ll know your way to the how.”

This is an appealing and elegant formulation. And, God knows, we all could use more heart. But life is more complex than this. Better results require more than good intentions.

It’s just like fried eggs. Our sons like theirs a particular way: with soft yolks but no “gooey white stuff.” I love my sons, so when they complain about their food, it hurts. I am one hundred percent committed in my heart to producing soft yolks with no gooey white stuff. But do I produce this result every time?

No, I don’t, and here’s why: good intentions aren’t enough. Competence also matters.

I assume that Colonna knows this. He didn’t get where he is today without extraordinary skill. Yet he, and many others I admire, continue spreading this misleading message.

Can we encourage the heart without betting the whole farm on it?

One way is through conversation skill drills. You start by clarifying your intention—by tapping into your heart. This isn’t the finish line. It’s the first step. What comes next are hours of deliberate conversation practice: speaking and listening from this clear intention. After all, the heart isn’t separate from what we do. It’s meant to be integrated into our words, tone, breath, and mood. This is how Colonna’s reboot happens and how you grow.

Why bipartisan impeachment isn’t possible, but regaining your sanity is

  1. A bipartisan impeachment vote would be dandy, but first we’d need a bipartisan embrace of facts and evidence. Right now, one party swears by empiricism (yet often forgets it’s in a street fight). The other party favors the sucker punch and wants you to forget the Enlightenment ever happened. The two parties hold different worldviews and are having completely different conversations. This isn’t a problem that civility can solve. We need collective growth. Mainstream Democrats need to re-embrace the mythic dimension so they can craft narratives that touch the heart and land in the gut. Progressives need to realize that nobody is “woke”, that waking up is a practice that never ends. The Republicans need to grow out of the cult of personality around Mr. Trump and grow into reason.
  2. This is a crazy moment, and you may think you’re crazy, but you’re not. In fact, the more soberly you see the forces at work under the surface, the more sane you will feel. It begins with your own experience. First, you watched the Democrats present the evidence calmly and methodically. They spoke of sacred duty, practiced restraint. Utterly reasonable. Then you heard the Republicans accuse those same Democrats of being “hysterical” and abusing power. Say what? Yes, I know what you’re thinking. It’s a total mind-fuck. (I use F-bombs sparingly. This moment calls for it). And that’s precisely the point. Mr. Trump and the party he now commands can’t win with reason and truth, so they have to act unreasonably and push you to question what’s true. Not coincidentally, this is Putin’s strategy: not just to lie, but to challenge the very notion of truth. Not simply to be corrupt, but to prove that everyone is corrupt. If you can’t win with facts about today or visions for tomorrow, you create bafflement about yesterday. As you read these words, you might briefly feel deflated, but that’s a positive step beyond blindness, and it won’t last long. My goal isn’t to depress but to help you see. A lot of crazy things are happening. You may be confounded by them, but you’re not crazy.

Reader Q&A: The Enneagram

Q: I have an unease about the Enneagram (or any other tool that types people) which you refer to sometimes. Those tools strike me as shallow given how complex humans are but I see you as a guy with a lot of depth. Am I missing something?—Mark

A: Wonderful question. Many people who value depth feel uneasy about the Enneagram and other typologies, and understandably so. These models are ripe for misuse. The most harmful misuse is labeling someone—based on that person’s own self-identification or your quick assessment—and then badgering them with the label. A second misuse, more common and seemingly innocuous, is using the Enneagram to rationalize your own bad habits. “The reason I don’t make firm commitments is that I’m a Seven. This is what Sevens do.” Presto! You’re off the hook. Or ”The Enneagram says that Eights don’t show vulnerability, so why would I want to open up to you like that?” There is no malicious intent, but the result is reinforcing bad habits by strengthening existing neural pathways. Holy Reification, Batman!

Despite these risks, I use the Enneagram with clients and write about it. Here’s why: when accessed with depth, it’s a powerful and flexible framework for growth. Unlike Myers-Briggs, whose ambition ends with mutual appreciation of difference, the Enneagram doesn’t put you in a box. It shows you the box you put yourself in every day—and how to get out of it. For example, in 2001 I typed myself as a Six, the Loyal Skeptic. The lesson wasn’t that I’m anxious and pessimistic, and that’s just how life is. Instead, I learned that I am subject to a narrative in which the world is a scary place, others are asleep at the wheel, so I have to be vigilant. This isn’t me. It’s who I take myself to be. A made-up story. The box I put myself into every day.

Over the years, I’ve learned ways of getting out of this box. Step one is to catch myself telling the same old story. Bob Kegan calls this making object what was once subject. Instead of the narrative having me, I have the narrative. I dis-identify with it. Then something amazing happens. I start to integrate the finest qualities (and sometimes not-so-fine qualities!) of other types: the heart-filled generosity of the Two, the emotional depth of the Four, the serenity of the Nine, and so on. This is the opposite of rigid typecasting. It’s a flexible and integrated approach to living. This is why I use the Enneagram.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Filed Under: Deliberate practice, Enneagram, Power and politics

Interview about my first book, Practice Greatness

Interview about my first book, Practice Greatness

by amiel · Jun 26, 2019

 

Five years ago, I published my first book, Practice Greatness: Escape Small Thinking, Listen Like A Master, And Lead With Your Best. Marissa Brassfield of Ridiculously Efficient (RE) interviewed me about it in writing. Our exchange provides a good summary of the book’s key ideas, which shape my work with clients. Many of you weren’t following me then, so I’m sharing the interview below. Enjoy!

Practicing Greatness = Realize Full Potential

RE: What steps can leaders take to realize their full potential?

The first and most important thing to realize is that you are not a generic leader, but instead a person with unique gifts and limitations in a situation with distinctive challenges and opportunities.  So don’t listen to generic leadership advice. This may sound obvious, but it’s a common trap many leaders fall into. And for good reason: in my estimation, 98 percent of the leadership advice out there is generic. For example, “act with boldness” is sound advice for some leaders but terrible advice for others. Ditto for “be generous with your time,” “collaborate more,” or “think before you act.” I’ve coached leaders who’ve been drawn to such advice only to find that it amplified a weakness or distracted them from more pivotal areas of improvement.

Second, expose yourself to a variety of challenging experiences and extract as much learning from these experiences as you can. It’s not about moving up the ladder or getting greater visibility as much as challenging yourself in new ways. For example, if you’ve done a turnaround, try a startup—or manage a team that has a track record of success. Each of these experiences teaches different lessons. If you’ve spent years managing people who report to you, try a role where you have to influence without authority. And then learn as much as you can as fast as you can. Ironically, we learn faster when we slow down to reflect and get feedback.

Third, get support from colleagues, mentors, or a coach. The greater the challenge you take on, the greater the support you need.

Fourth, realize that you have an Achilles Heel, find out what it is, and then heal it. I think of the Achilles Heel as the one big flaw or blind spot that, if ignored, can screw up your career or at least keep you from realizing your potential. It’s a set of habits wired into your brain and body that limits your repertoire of leadership behaviors. Fortunately, the latest neuroscience tells us that you can rewire these habits well into adulthood. My favorite approach to helping leaders understand their Achilles Heel (as well as much more, like the quality of their greatness) is called the Enneagram. It provides nine answers to the question, “What makes me tick?”

Fifth, identify one or two skills that are pivotal to realizing your potential. These could be strengths that you want to use in new ways or skills that you haven’t fully developed. In my book, I offer fifteen inner and outer practices of great leadership. I call them “practices” because the idea is to practice them over and over again just like you would practice swinging a bat or playing piano. Repetition matters.

Finally, find a reason for leading that ignites you. In my experience, one factor differentiates leaders who carry on the hard work of practicing leadership to completion from others who barely get out of the starting blocks: a sense of purpose beyond their own narrow self-interest. Getting a raise or promotion and making more money are great, but neither provides enough fuel to sustain the practice of great leadership. Now, discovering this purpose isn’t easy, and it often takes years if not decades. Here are some questions to ask: What do you want to be known for? What do you feel passionate about taking a stand on? What would you risk embarrassment or fear to bring into being? These are big questions, and for good reason. We’re not talking about getting slightly better. We’re talking about realizing your full potential!

The Four Steps In Deliberate Practice

RE: You mentioned that deliberate practice at work requires four steps — preparing, acting, reflecting, and getting feedback. What do each of these steps entail and how can leaders benefit from this type of practice?

Before I answer that question, let me state the obvious: practicing on the job is not a familiar concept for most of us. Unless we are professional athletes or musicians, practice is what we do when we’re not working. We practice playing tennis. We practice guitar. But practice our jobs? Hardly. When we’re working, we’re working, right? It’s just like that Tom Hanks line from the movie A League of Their Own: “There’s no crying in baseball!” That’s the basic assumption in organizations: there’s no practice in business!

Except that’s not quite true. In my field, leadership development, research tells us two things: first, excellent leaders learn best not through training or reading, but from on-the-job experience; and, second, the way that they learn is by having a chance to reflect on their experience and by getting continuous feedback from people who see them in action. In other words, they’re not just moving from one meeting or action to the next. Instead, they’re stopping, even for a moment, to look back. What’s another word for these things? Practice.

Let’s start with reflecting. This means quietly and non-judgmentally reviewing what just happened. “What went well? What could I do differently? What did I learn from this experience about myself, others, the market, and so on?” Reflecting is the deliberate act of capturing the lessons that your experience provides. All it requires is intention, somewhere to write or type, and a relatively quiet space. I encourage the leaders I coach to designate ten minutes every day to quietly reflect. It can be the most valuable ten minutes of their day.

Getting feedback also involves learning from what happened, but instead of asking yourself, you ask others. “Hey, Sally, I want to get some feedback from you about that meeting this morning with our sales team. How clearly did I communicate the rationale behind our strategy? What could I do next time to be clearer?” Boom—suddenly, you learn something you wouldn’t have if you hadn’t asked. This accelerates your learning and, over time, elevates your performance.

Now, notice that the feedback you requested was very specific. It wasn’t, “How did I do?” It focused on a specific behavior—clearly communicating the “why”—that you are trying to improve. Notice, also, that you didn’t wait a week to get feedback. You asked the same day, when the event was fresh in memory. Finally, consider the impact on Sally of asking for her feedback. She has gone from bystander to active participant in your leadership development. And odds are good that she appreciates being asked and now feels a greater stake in your success. So, in addition to helping you improve, getting feedback strengthens your relationships.

Acting is whatever you are doing—writing an email, attending a meeting, giving a talk, negotiating with a customer, mentoring a direct report. It’s what we typically think of as “work.” Acting is obviously essential to practicing on the job. However, unlike the other three steps, acting is what we do when we’re not practicing. In fact, most managers spend 99 percent of their time acting—and that’s it. They’re not practicing with the intent to improve. Their just doing. But what we’re talking about here is different: it’s acting that occurs in the midst of deliberate practice.

Finally, there is preparing. Chronologically, preparing is the first step in the on-the-job practice cycle. I mention it last because it seems to be the most rare in the organizations where I work and the least discussed in the leadership literature. It’s a bit of a dark horse—not well known, but very generous in its rewards. Now let’s talk about what preparing is. Whereas reflecting and getting feedback involve looking back, preparing involves looking forward. The day before an important conversation with your boss and peers, you ask yourself a few questions. “What do I want to get out of this meeting? What value can I contribute? How might I do that? What could get in the way? Who else will be there, and how can I communicate effectively with them?”

Such preparation provides multiple benefits. First, it gets you focused on what you want to accomplish. Rather than just going with the flow, you show up with outcomes in mind. Second, it allows you to strategize about how to accomplish these outcomes. You develop a game plan. Third, it invites you to consider what obstacles may get in the way—and how you will handle them. Finally, it wakes you up. Rather than just drifting through the day, you become an active participant in what happens. The more times you stop for a moment to prepare, the more awake you become.

Great Leadership = Arguing Well

RE: You also mention that great leadership requires the ability to argue. What would a successful argument look like from a leader’s point of view?

A successful argument involves four things. First, instead of debating who’s correct, you realize that everyone has a different assessment or take on the situation. This is because most things we argue about are not facts but different interpretations of what the facts mean. It’s just like temperature. Saying that it’s 75 degrees outside is a factual assertion. It’s either true or false. But saying that it’s warm is an assessment. There is no way to prove it. A lot of the arguments we have in organizations is about whether it’s warm outside. Except we think that this is a matter of facts, when really it’s a matter of different assessments.

Second, when you give your take on a situation, you describe it as “my take” or “my assessment.” This signals to others that you are not placing a claim on the truth, but merely giving your perspective. This leaves space for them to have their own take.

Third, you ground your assessment. “Here are the reasons why I assess this acquisition to be in our best interest.” Or “Let me tell you why I don’t think he would be a good hire for this position.” Grounding assessments is a powerful way of communicating. It also allows others to learn what’s behind your thinking. It’s a way of letting them into how you see the world. Conversely, ungrounded assessments are often worse than saying nothing at all. Other than the letters, “ASAP,” they are the most pernicious source of mediocrity and suffering.

Finally, a successful argument involves gently inviting others to ground their assessments so that you can see what’s behind their thinking. Sometimes, it has the added benefit of causing them to do more thinking! The key word here is “gentle.” This is not about interrogating others. It’s about saying, “Hey, I hear that your take is X. I imagine you’ve thought a lot about this. Can you help me understand what’s behind that assessment?”

Put these four pieces together and you have a successful argument.

Great Leadership = Practice And Self-Reflection

RE: How do other employees benefit when leaders spend more time practicing and less time on self-reflection?

I’m for more of both. Practicing and self-reflection are both enormously for beneficial to leaders and the employees they serve. Reflecting is one of the four steps of the on-the-job practice cycle. So if you’re practicing on the job, you are automatically reflecting.

More Tips On Practicing Greatness

RE: What other tips can you provide to leaders to foster a productive and engaging work environment?

First, make sure you are showing up to work every day with physical energy and the ability to focus. Get 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Take breaks at least once every ninety minutes. Move your body. Eat in a way that you have sustained energy throughout the day instead of energy spikes and crashes. Hint: proteins, healthy fats, and vegetables will sustain your energy far better than soft drinks, sugary foods, and fast carbs (muffins, breads, and other foods that create blood sugar spikes and crashes).

Second, learn what triggers you emotionally and take on practices that allow you to respond calmly. A couple years ago, at a conference the CTO of Cisco was asked what benefits she got from meditating. She said that it helped her stay calm in very tense situations. Mindfulness isn’t the only practice for managing triggers, but it’s a darn effective one.

Third, look at Gallup’s research about employee engagement—it’s amazingly useful.

Finally, if you’re not great at developing people, hire or partner with someone who is. Ultimately, we are as good as the people we surrounded ourselves with.

 

Filed Under: Deliberate practice, Emotions, Engagement, Leadership development, Learning from experience, Nutrition, Physical energy, Relationships, Sleep

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