Grow and lead for all of us

Power and politics

We are built for distraction and grow into listening (May 6, 2020 issue)

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Hi Friends,

I hope you enjoy this week’s actionable insights. Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

Reader comments on the personal story I told last week

Hilary Bradbury, Principal of AR+ Foundation, writes:

“Sharing your experience of bullying is important. Bullying is pervasive and an important window on how to use power. Over the years I have heard that most men were involved in bullying as victims and/or perpetrators. Many women also experience men’s bullying in the adult form of sexual harassment. (Girls’ bullying of other women is its own topic.).  Either way, these early years shape us greatly. Nasty experiences can also be teachers. If we “compost” the bullying, it allows for developing self and others toward a kinder, more full spectrum humanity.”

How I learned to ask good questions

When I was 22 and doing the job a 40 year old did before me, I had what now we call imposter syndrome. I was afraid the senior leaders I was consulting to would discover my age and inexperience, even in simple phone interviews.

My mentor at the time gave me this advice: “Act like you don’t know anything and ask open-ended questions, and you’ll learn a lot.”

In many ways I didn’t know anything, but the advice still worked. Here I was afraid people would discover how young I was. What happened instead is that my age mattered far less to people than how they felt being truly listened to.

Why isn’t everyone better at listening? 

1. You are built for distraction. The human nervous system was constructed in an era when physical survival mattered more than interpersonal competence.

2. The personality type you (never) ordered comes with a listening filter. This filter decides what to let in and what to keep out. Mine involves questions like“Is this safe?” and “Can I trust this?” These aren’t useless, but they block out 90 percent of reality. Your listening filter may involve different questions, like  “Is he lying?” “Do they like me?” “What needs fixing?” or “Will this cause conflict?”

3. You grow into listening. This involves new habits. Few schools and organizations teach these.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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This high school experience is why I help some leaders gain power and others use it responsibly

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Hi Friends,

This week: a personal story about power and my heart, what I’m reading, and a marital example of minimum effective dose. Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

Why I help some leaders gain power and others use it responsibly

I’ve never shared this publicly. In high school, by outward appearance, I was successful and healthy. A top student. Varsity athlete in two sports (granted: small school). No drugs of any kind. Amiable (for a time, my nickname). Yet, on the inside, I was hurting.

The reason? Day after day, year after year, a group of boys teased me mercilessly. On Tuesday, it was about my big head of hair (yeah, go figure). On Wednesday, why only an “ugly girl” would like me. On Thursday, how I completed assignments a week early. Not cool.

Today we call this bullying. Back then it was just how things were.

While it was happening, I don’t remember sharing it with my parents or any other adults. Nor do I recall any teachers stepping in. Most painfully, my best friend not only didn’t have my back, but he regularly joined in the ribbing.

Nobody was there to listen to me and validate my experience. Nobody to say, “Amiel, there is nothing wrong with you.” Nobody to advise me how to respond.

The heart that was wounded then is the same heart that shows up today at work and in the rest of life. This is why I pay attention to power dynamics and how they affects people. It’s why, when I encounter someone getting the short end of the stick, I long to see them stand up for themselves—for their own dignity and health, and for the good of all. And it’s why, when I work with someone who takes up too much space or abuses their power, if they want to change, you’d better believe I’m going to help them.

What I’m reading

Working by Robert Caro, famed biographer of Lyndon Johnson and chronicler of how people gain power and use it

The following excerpt captures brilliantly what happens when I interview my client’s colleagues about what she is like to work with:

“My interviewees sometimes get quite annoyed with me because I keep asking them ‘What did you see? If I was standing beside you at the time, what would I have seen?’ I’ve had people get really angry at me. But if you ask it often enough, sometimes you make them see.”

Minimum effective dose

A corrective for things in life you tend to overdo

When my wife speaks to me from across the house…

  • Overdose: “Julie, I can’t hear you. You’re two rooms away, and there’s music. How could you possibly expect me to hear you?”
  • Minimal effective dose: “Julie. I can’t hear you. Could you please say that again?”

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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Three ways in complex times to ensure you’re in the same conversation with others (April 2, 2020 issue)

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Hi Friends,

I hope you find this week’s actionable insights relevant to your life in these complex times.

Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

Covid-19 and the end of the Billionaire/Navy Seal exemplar

In books about leadership and high performance, billionaires and Navy Seals are everywhere. This billionaire shows you how to optimize your energy. That team of Navy Seals demonstrates group flow states. Sexy sells, and publishers and authors assume that you and I consider these the sexiest role models.

At least up until now.

I hope that Covid-19 changes this. Isn’t it time to give billionaires and Navy Seals a rest? Can we let tomorrow’s examples of leadership and performance come from the health professions, medical supply logistics, the quality movement, grocery store supervisors, and home delivery?

Do this, and we’ll learn new ways of coordinating action, building trust, and embodying our deepest virtues.

In stressful times, ensure you’re in the same conversation as everyone else

Classic Seinfeld moment: Jerry and Elaine are in the diner. Jerry’s describing a bizarre incident from his day. Elaine is talking about something else. Neither is listening to the other. They go back and forth like this for 30 seconds. It’s so ridiculous that we laugh.

This happens constantly in organizations. You’re in a meeting with five other people. You think you’re in the same conversation, but you’re actually in five different conversations. One person is brainstorming. Another is assessing a past event. Yet another is negotiating what to do next. And so on.

Isn’t it hard enough to understand each other when we’re in the same conversation?

Name the Conversation, a leadership micro-habit

Example: People hear you say three words, interpret it as a request, and then rearrange their priorities to make you happy. Three weeks later, you discover this and say, “…but I was just thinking out loud!” 

If this has happened to you, you’re not alone. As you rise in the organization, this misinterpretation occurs more quickly and by more people. You think you’re exploring possibilities. Everyone else thinks you want something done.

There’s a conversational micro-habit perfect for this situation. I call it Name the Conversation. Here are the steps:

  1. Name the Possibility Conversation. Before you think out loud, say “This is a possibility, not a request” or “Let’s have a possibility conversation about this.” People will put down their To Do Lists and join you in imagining “what if.”
  2. Name the Request. Before you ask someone to do something, say “I have a request.” This will signal to people that it’s time to listen for the what, when and why of what you are asking—and ask for clarification if they don’t understand.
  3. Self-correct. If you forget steps 1 and 2 and leap into the conversation (which at first you will do 98% of the time out of habit), no worries. Simply pause the conversation and clarify your intent. “Just to be clear, I’m making a request.” Or “Let me clarify: right now, I’m not asking you to do anything. Let’s just explore options.”

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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Five keys to influencing up (Feb 19, 2020 issue)

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Hi Friends,

More mid-week actionable insights! Let me know what you think by hitting Reply.

Five keys to influencing up

Want to shape how a senior executive sees you? Here are five keys:

  1. Discover how she sees you today.  What’s her current take on you? What’s behind this assessment?
  2. Before influencing, let yourself be influenced. Bob Dunham taught me this. What is this person trying to achieve? What social needs—like status or autonomy—need to be filled for her nervous system to grant you an opening?
  3. Learn through observation. People will teach you 80 percent of what you need to learn about them without any effort on your part. All you have to do is observe.
  4. Make powerful offers. Rather than waiting for direction, design an offer that benefits the organization. Frame it around the executive’s interests. If she accepts your offer, you’ve created a shared future.
  5. Prepare extra for meetings with her. Rehearse the conversation with a coach or trusted colleague. Block out 30 minutes before to get grounded, centered and present.

Knock your next difficult conversation out of the park

Maybe you don’t want to design forty difficult conversations a year like I do. But if you could choose one difficult conversation to knock out of the park, what would it be?

What’s up with the podcast?

It’s gestating. Under design. When it’s back, you’ll see a new name, new format, and even more actionable focus.

Use recovery periods to stay in the Zone

Many leaders think that taking breaks indicates a defect. You’re weak, timid, or don’t care enough.

I disagree. To give your best for sustained periods and reduce mistakes, recovery periods are essential. Your brain needs them to learn. Your body needs them to stay focused and grounded. And guess what? Your colleagues need you to take them, because you’re a wiser and kinder person when you do.

This isn’t complicated. After fully engaging for 90 minutes, take a 5-minute break. Go for a short walk. Drink a glass of water. Wash your face. Stretch. Sprint. Use a meditation app like Headspace or Calm. Whatever it takes for you to renew. Then fully engage for another 90 minutes. Then, you guessed it: another 5-minute break.

As in sports, it’s hard work, then release. Stress, then recovery. Just do it, then just rest it.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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How to build emotional intelligence while you listen (Jan. 8, 2020 issue)

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Hi friends,

Happy New Year. This week I offer you two tasty and healthy conversational dishes. 

Build emotional intelligence while you listen

“I want to be more emotionally intelligent so I can listen better.”

—Every person who has ever taken a class on the topic

This is backwards. Don’t confuse emotional intelligence for a car you build in the factory and then ship to customers. It isn’t something you carry, fully designed and with a sparkling paint job, into conversation.  Emotional intelligence grows through conversation. You become emotionally intelligent by practicing listening in a real interaction with another human being. There are a lot of ways to do this. 

But before you can practice, you have to get over the fallacy of fakery. The same people who tell you to listen better also have a radar for inauthenticity. This helps prevent bona fide Fakers from manipulating others. But you’re not a Faker. You’re a beginner. What beginners do is practice. It’s awkward. It’s difficult. But you do it to get better.

Start improving your listening by using what I call the on-the-job practice cycle. First you prepare yourself for the conversation (what kind of conversation will this be? What will I be listening for? What could distract me?). Then, while having the conversation, you “go to the balcony” and watch yourself down on stage (How’s my listening now? Is my mind replaying old tapes?) Afterward, you reflect on the conversation (When did I listen well? When did I get distracted?) and perhaps get feedback from others.

Why aren’t we better at listening? The answer is that we forget to practice it. Luckily, every conversation offers you this opportunity. 

Reading history and talking about the future

In a democracy, as in organizations, the future matters yet gets squeezed out by trivial matters. Firefighting substitutes for imagining tomorrow. 

This is why I read history. It reminds me that our lives exist in time, nothing is inevitable, and civilizations and organizations are fragile. In short: choices matter. 

For example, the supremacy of the iPhone wasn’t divinely ordained. Its rise partly stemmed from the fall of the Blackberry, a story not only of technology but also of leadership and interpersonal dynamics. 

Consider, too, the political (and cultural, and climate, and leadership, and foreign policy, and…) crises we face in my country, the United States. We can’t get out of them by merely resisting, nor by burying our heads in the sand or throwing up our hands in confusion. We need conversations about the future, particularly focused on what’s possible. Otherwise, we end up caught in what Yale historian Timothy Snyder calls the “politics of eternity,” where demagogues rule, private life shrinks, and you lose your freedom strut. (The freedom strut is a term I just invented for how you walk when you aren’t worried someone is going to report you to the authorities. It’s a privilege much of the world doesn’t have.)

At recent holiday parties, I asked people two questions: What will you do if Mr. Trump wins? What will you do if he loses? Nobody had much to say about either scenario. But this is the type of imagining that in our politics and organizations we need more, not less, of.

Such is the irony of history. It’s about the past, but it reminds us to have conversations about the future. This is why I just finished my third reading of Thinking the Twentieth Century by Tony Judt and Timothy Snyder and am now immersed in Marci Shore’s The Taste of Ashes: The Afterlife of Totalitarianism in Eastern Europe. 

Did I mention that possibility conversations are useful in every area of your life, that you can develop this skill through deliberate practice? I’ll read the history if you do the practice. Deal?
Cheerfully real,
Amiel HandelsmanP.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Don’t bet everything on the heart (Dec. 11, 2019 issue)

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Hi friends,

Last week I repaired the dishwasher, took two boys to Lice Knowing You, and planted a tree. But enough about me. Let’s talk about our hearts, his impeachment, your sanity, and why I love the Enneagram despite the risks of misuse.

Don’t bet everything on the heart

When it comes to encouraging the heart, I’m all in. But let’s not overstate what the heart alone can do. You’ve heard the advice: get clear on your intentions, and the rest with follow. Many leadership teachers offer a rendition of this. Jerry Colonna, author of Reboot and “the coach who makes CEOs weep”, says, “If you know your heart, you’ll know your way to the how.”

This is an appealing and elegant formulation. And, God knows, we all could use more heart. But life is more complex than this. Better results require more than good intentions.

It’s just like fried eggs. Our sons like theirs a particular way: with soft yolks but no “gooey white stuff.” I love my sons, so when they complain about their food, it hurts. I am one hundred percent committed in my heart to producing soft yolks with no gooey white stuff. But do I produce this result every time?

No, I don’t, and here’s why: good intentions aren’t enough. Competence also matters.

I assume that Colonna knows this. He didn’t get where he is today without extraordinary skill. Yet he, and many others I admire, continue spreading this misleading message.

Can we encourage the heart without betting the whole farm on it?

One way is through conversation skill drills. You start by clarifying your intention—by tapping into your heart. This isn’t the finish line. It’s the first step. What comes next are hours of deliberate conversation practice: speaking and listening from this clear intention. After all, the heart isn’t separate from what we do. It’s meant to be integrated into our words, tone, breath, and mood. This is how Colonna’s reboot happens and how you grow.

Why bipartisan impeachment isn’t possible, but regaining your sanity is

  1. A bipartisan impeachment vote would be dandy, but first we’d need a bipartisan embrace of facts and evidence. Right now, one party swears by empiricism (yet often forgets it’s in a street fight). The other party favors the sucker punch and wants you to forget the Enlightenment ever happened. The two parties hold different worldviews and are having completely different conversations. This isn’t a problem that civility can solve. We need collective growth. Mainstream Democrats need to re-embrace the mythic dimension so they can craft narratives that touch the heart and land in the gut. Progressives need to realize that nobody is “woke”, that waking up is a practice that never ends. The Republicans need to grow out of the cult of personality around Mr. Trump and grow into reason.
  2. This is a crazy moment, and you may think you’re crazy, but you’re not. In fact, the more soberly you see the forces at work under the surface, the more sane you will feel. It begins with your own experience. First, you watched the Democrats present the evidence calmly and methodically. They spoke of sacred duty, practiced restraint. Utterly reasonable. Then you heard the Republicans accuse those same Democrats of being “hysterical” and abusing power. Say what? Yes, I know what you’re thinking. It’s a total mind-fuck. (I use F-bombs sparingly. This moment calls for it). And that’s precisely the point. Mr. Trump and the party he now commands can’t win with reason and truth, so they have to act unreasonably and push you to question what’s true. Not coincidentally, this is Putin’s strategy: not just to lie, but to challenge the very notion of truth. Not simply to be corrupt, but to prove that everyone is corrupt. If you can’t win with facts about today or visions for tomorrow, you create bafflement about yesterday. As you read these words, you might briefly feel deflated, but that’s a positive step beyond blindness, and it won’t last long. My goal isn’t to depress but to help you see. A lot of crazy things are happening. You may be confounded by them, but you’re not crazy.

Reader Q&A: The Enneagram

Q: I have an unease about the Enneagram (or any other tool that types people) which you refer to sometimes. Those tools strike me as shallow given how complex humans are but I see you as a guy with a lot of depth. Am I missing something?—Mark

A: Wonderful question. Many people who value depth feel uneasy about the Enneagram and other typologies, and understandably so. These models are ripe for misuse. The most harmful misuse is labeling someone—based on that person’s own self-identification or your quick assessment—and then badgering them with the label. A second misuse, more common and seemingly innocuous, is using the Enneagram to rationalize your own bad habits. “The reason I don’t make firm commitments is that I’m a Seven. This is what Sevens do.” Presto! You’re off the hook. Or ”The Enneagram says that Eights don’t show vulnerability, so why would I want to open up to you like that?” There is no malicious intent, but the result is reinforcing bad habits by strengthening existing neural pathways. Holy Reification, Batman!

Despite these risks, I use the Enneagram with clients and write about it. Here’s why: when accessed with depth, it’s a powerful and flexible framework for growth. Unlike Myers-Briggs, whose ambition ends with mutual appreciation of difference, the Enneagram doesn’t put you in a box. It shows you the box you put yourself in every day—and how to get out of it. For example, in 2001 I typed myself as a Six, the Loyal Skeptic. The lesson wasn’t that I’m anxious and pessimistic, and that’s just how life is. Instead, I learned that I am subject to a narrative in which the world is a scary place, others are asleep at the wheel, so I have to be vigilant. This isn’t me. It’s who I take myself to be. A made-up story. The box I put myself into every day.

Over the years, I’ve learned ways of getting out of this box. Step one is to catch myself telling the same old story. Bob Kegan calls this making object what was once subject. Instead of the narrative having me, I have the narrative. I dis-identify with it. Then something amazing happens. I start to integrate the finest qualities (and sometimes not-so-fine qualities!) of other types: the heart-filled generosity of the Two, the emotional depth of the Four, the serenity of the Nine, and so on. This is the opposite of rigid typecasting. It’s a flexible and integrated approach to living. This is why I use the Enneagram.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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Integral Politics With Jeff Salzman (Episode 109)

Integral Politics With Jeff Salzman (Episode 109)

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Integral politics involves appreciating what’s good, true, and beautiful and what’s missing in every worldview in our culture. This is neither the mushy middle nor mere theory, but instead a practical way forward in a puzzling world. The idea of integral politics is straightforward: listen closely to every perspective, take the best, and jettison the rest. Breathe in the truth. Breathe out the partial nature of it. Just as a good health program involves supplementing different practices, integral politics asks: why not also supplement different worldviews?

A Leading Voice Of Integral Politics

For many years, Jeff Salzman has been a leading voice of integral politics. Through his podcast, The Daily Evolver, Jeff has brought this integral vantage point to everything from Presidential politics to #metoo to movies to economics.

This week, Jeff joins me to describe the tribal, warrior, traditional, modern, and postmodern worldviews and the many ways they battle in today’s politics. We discuss political correctness on college campuses, Cold War anticommunism, why God is both everywhere and nowhere, how life is a heartbreaking catastrophe yet we go on, the post-war liberal consensus and how it shattered, what Jeff does when encountering politicians who trigger him, why psychopaths are people too, and how as a young adult Jeff got tired of sitting through yet another heterosexual love scene at the movies. Integral politics has something to say about all of this!

Integral Politics Stretches The Mind

This discussion of integral politics will stretch your mind, and it’s longer than our average episode, so you’ll get extended mind-stretching! (Note: the audio quality on my end in this interview is less than usual. I don’t know why.)

The Amiel Show is taking a six-week summer break, so you will have time to savor this conversation before I return with a new episode in September.

In other news, I turned 49 on Tuesday. I am dedicating my 50th year on the planet to sharing my interviews and ideas with more people. Way more people. I call it the Big Tribe project. You are a huge part of it, so here’s step one: if you are intrigued or inspired by what you hear, please share this interview with friends and encourage them to subscribe to the podcast.

I’m also offering a free copy of my E-Book, Leading When You’re Ticked Off And Other Tips For Mastering Complexity, in this blog post on my web site.

Highlights

  • 9:00 The discipline and faith of the traditional worldview. Jeff as church camper of the year.
  • 14:00 As humanity moves forward, there are more stages of development present
  • 21:00 There is a hierarchy of growth that is natural and beautiful
  • 26:30 Ken Wilber’s Four Quadrants
  • 31:00 We get sick to death of the stage we’re at
  • 38:00 Posmodernism and “Where the fuck am I” in this movie?
  • 46:00 In a good-versus-evil society, you’d be irresponsible to not annihilate your enemy
  • 1:04:00 When you have a stack of worldviews at war with each other
  • 1:10:00 It’s good we’re battling in comments sections, not with clubs and knives
  • 1:24:00 The power of Mr. Trump’s shameless grandiose ego

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