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Three ways in complex times to ensure you’re in the same conversation with others (April 2, 2020 issue)

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Hi Friends,

I hope you find this week’s actionable insights relevant to your life in these complex times.

Hit Reply and let me know what you think.

Covid-19 and the end of the Billionaire/Navy Seal exemplar

In books about leadership and high performance, billionaires and Navy Seals are everywhere. This billionaire shows you how to optimize your energy. That team of Navy Seals demonstrates group flow states. Sexy sells, and publishers and authors assume that you and I consider these the sexiest role models.

At least up until now.

I hope that Covid-19 changes this. Isn’t it time to give billionaires and Navy Seals a rest? Can we let tomorrow’s examples of leadership and performance come from the health professions, medical supply logistics, the quality movement, grocery store supervisors, and home delivery?

Do this, and we’ll learn new ways of coordinating action, building trust, and embodying our deepest virtues.

In stressful times, ensure you’re in the same conversation as everyone else

Classic Seinfeld moment: Jerry and Elaine are in the diner. Jerry’s describing a bizarre incident from his day. Elaine is talking about something else. Neither is listening to the other. They go back and forth like this for 30 seconds. It’s so ridiculous that we laugh.

This happens constantly in organizations. You’re in a meeting with five other people. You think you’re in the same conversation, but you’re actually in five different conversations. One person is brainstorming. Another is assessing a past event. Yet another is negotiating what to do next. And so on.

Isn’t it hard enough to understand each other when we’re in the same conversation?

Name the Conversation, a leadership micro-habit

Example: People hear you say three words, interpret it as a request, and then rearrange their priorities to make you happy. Three weeks later, you discover this and say, “…but I was just thinking out loud!” 

If this has happened to you, you’re not alone. As you rise in the organization, this misinterpretation occurs more quickly and by more people. You think you’re exploring possibilities. Everyone else thinks you want something done.

There’s a conversational micro-habit perfect for this situation. I call it Name the Conversation. Here are the steps:

  1. Name the Possibility Conversation. Before you think out loud, say “This is a possibility, not a request” or “Let’s have a possibility conversation about this.” People will put down their To Do Lists and join you in imagining “what if.”
  2. Name the Request. Before you ask someone to do something, say “I have a request.” This will signal to people that it’s time to listen for the what, when and why of what you are asking—and ask for clarification if they don’t understand.
  3. Self-correct. If you forget steps 1 and 2 and leap into the conversation (which at first you will do 98% of the time out of habit), no worries. Simply pause the conversation and clarify your intent. “Just to be clear, I’m making a request.” Or “Let me clarify: right now, I’m not asking you to do anything. Let’s just explore options.”

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

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Seven pivotal conversations to have this week with colleagues and family

Seven pivotal conversations to have this week with colleagues and family

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Dear Friends,

Surreal and uncertain times call for deep attention to what conversations we have, with whom, and why.  Here are seven conversations you may find valuable having with your family, team, and colleagues this week while working from home.

Hit Reply and let me know what you think or which you may try.

When under stress, I turn to humor

Stephen Colbert did a monologue from his bathtub. My instinctual response was to create two things for the first time:

  1. A guide to mansplaining in an era of the coronavirus. Forget about me as the host of an interview series on women in leadership. Here I play the clueless and offensive mansplainer. Currently available only on request.
  2. A Public Service Announcement. This one I’ll share with you: “Six feet apart or six feet under. The choice is yours.”

Seven pivotal conversations to have this week with colleagues and family

1. “What matters conversations”

In stressful times, this is the one you’re most likely to skip. Please don’t. The “what matters conversation” involves slowing down and talking about what’s important to member of your family or team right now. Doing this has two benefits. First, it forces you—and everyone else—to pause and reflect on what you care about and what concerns you. Second, it helps you know what new worlds you are now speaking into. The child, spouse, or teammate in front of you today is in some ways a different person from the one of only a week ago. The key is to carve out time, say 30-60 minutes, go around the circle/screen, let each person share, and ask clarifying questions to understand.

2. “Possibility conversations”

This is where you explore “what if” scenarios without any pressure to commit. A few weeks ago, my wife and I had a possibility conversation around the question, “What if one of us had to self-quarantine for two weeks?” Last Thursday, we had one around, “What if we were to go to the mountain for the day for cross-country skiing?” In the workplace, you might have possibility conversations around scheduling daily 5 minute check-ins with each person on your team, canceling a planned initiative, or opening up a new collaboration with a division with whom suddenly you have vested interests. Again, this conversation is not a time to make requests or offer to do things. Stick with exploring “what if.”

3. New requests

Great, your team has had a positive possibility conversation around scheduling daily one-on-ones. The more you’ve listen, the more you like the idea. Now, you can take this possibility into action by making a new request: “I’d like to ask each of you, by 6pm today, to schedule a daily 5 min check-in with me between 8am and 5pm PST starting tomorrow and continuing through March 31.” Remember that an effective request has a clear What, When, and Why. And it only becomes a promise when the other person accepts. So consider ending your request by asking each person, “Would you be willing to do this?”

4. New offers

In a “what matters conversation” with your spouse, you realized that she really needs 2-3 hours alone in a quiet house. So you now look at your schedule, hers, and the kids,’ and make an offer. “Tomorrow, from 4 to 6pm, I’d be willing to take the kids on a long bike ride so you can have the house to yourself. Would you like me to do this?”

5. “You can say no or counteroffer”

If you want people to give real Yes’s, you have to make it safe for them to say No or propose a different timeline or outcome. I learned this when I was 22 years old and working for a senior health care leader—a guru of sorts who managed big budgets and testified before Congress. “Amiel,” he would say, “I’d like to ask you to do something. You can say no.” Hearing this surprising statement forced me to think—to not blindly agree but instead assess whether or not I could commit to what he was asking and the deadline. This gave me more freedom (which I liked) and raised the odds of my promises being reliable (which he liked). Every time we went through this, I matured a bit. The “you can say no or counteroffer” conversation is most important when making requests to people who have less authority than you and/or habitually say Yes.

6. Renegotiation of commitments 

Everyone has been moving face to face conversations to virtual.  Our family has also been shifting play dates to Zoom. These are examples of what I call “renegotiating commitments.” You can renegotiate the What and/or the When. Two tips:

  • Start with the phrase, “I’d like to renegotiate our agreement to___” because (a) it signals what’s kind of conversation you’d like to have and (b) it reminds you and them that your relationships rises and falls based on the quality of your commitments to each other.
  • End with “Would this work for you?” Just as it takes two to make a commitment, it takes two to renegotiate one.

 7. Cancellation of commitments with integrity

The past few days have witnessed the most momentous cancellation of commitments in my lifetime. Have you noticed that some people and organizations are better at this than others? Canceling commitments as soon as you realize you can’t deliver—and doing this skillfully—is important for two reasons: first, it allows the “customers” of these commitments to reassess the situation and explore other ways of getting their needs met; second, it preserves trust in the relationship. In my unpublished book Reliable Results (email me if you want a copy), I suggest three steps in canceling commitments with integrity

  • Explicitly cancel. “I will no longer be able to_____ as I had promised.”
  • Provide the context or rationale
  • Make it clear you are open to new requests now or in the future (to the extent this is true)

I hope these are helpful!

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Five keys to influencing up (Feb 19, 2020 issue)

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Hi Friends,

More mid-week actionable insights! Let me know what you think by hitting Reply.

Five keys to influencing up

Want to shape how a senior executive sees you? Here are five keys:

  1. Discover how she sees you today.  What’s her current take on you? What’s behind this assessment?
  2. Before influencing, let yourself be influenced. Bob Dunham taught me this. What is this person trying to achieve? What social needs—like status or autonomy—need to be filled for her nervous system to grant you an opening?
  3. Learn through observation. People will teach you 80 percent of what you need to learn about them without any effort on your part. All you have to do is observe.
  4. Make powerful offers. Rather than waiting for direction, design an offer that benefits the organization. Frame it around the executive’s interests. If she accepts your offer, you’ve created a shared future.
  5. Prepare extra for meetings with her. Rehearse the conversation with a coach or trusted colleague. Block out 30 minutes before to get grounded, centered and present.

Knock your next difficult conversation out of the park

Maybe you don’t want to design forty difficult conversations a year like I do. But if you could choose one difficult conversation to knock out of the park, what would it be?

What’s up with the podcast?

It’s gestating. Under design. When it’s back, you’ll see a new name, new format, and even more actionable focus.

Use recovery periods to stay in the Zone

Many leaders think that taking breaks indicates a defect. You’re weak, timid, or don’t care enough.

I disagree. To give your best for sustained periods and reduce mistakes, recovery periods are essential. Your brain needs them to learn. Your body needs them to stay focused and grounded. And guess what? Your colleagues need you to take them, because you’re a wiser and kinder person when you do.

This isn’t complicated. After fully engaging for 90 minutes, take a 5-minute break. Go for a short walk. Drink a glass of water. Wash your face. Stretch. Sprint. Use a meditation app like Headspace or Calm. Whatever it takes for you to renew. Then fully engage for another 90 minutes. Then, you guessed it: another 5-minute break.

As in sports, it’s hard work, then release. Stress, then recovery. Just do it, then just rest it.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Putting yourself in their shoes is a conversational skill you can practice

Putting yourself in their shoes is a conversational skill you can practice

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In the last newsletter, I introduced the concept of “conversation supplements.” These are specific ways of speaking and listening that put good leadership advice into action.

Now it’s time for an example!

The wise teacher I’m supplementing this week is Jennifer Garvey Berger, a frequent guest on my podcast. In a recent blog post, Jennifer describes why you get trapped in “simple stories” and how to get untrapped. She gives the example of a work colleague you think is undermining you. This thought is a simple story, one that likely limits you and the relationship. Jennifer suggests you put yourself in that person’s shoes by asking yourself, “How is this (annoying and frustrating) person a hero?” The idea isn’t to kill your simple story but acknowledge  that it’s simple and complement it with a different simple story. That way, you capture more complexity and expand your perspective-taking.

It’s a brilliant approach, one used by thousands of leaders.

Think of it as the tastiest salmon in town.

Now let’s supplement that salmon with three side dishes.

  1. Make the advice even more actionable. Jennifer’s advice involves an interior reframe: thinking differently. Let’s carry this into your conversations. What different words would you use while speaking with your colleague—and about her? How might you shift your posture and tone? What new declarations (e.g. “I value our relationship” or “My success depends on yours”) would you make to her? Might you respond differently to past requests you declined? How about inviting her into a conversation practice I call “My Side of the Story, Your Side of the Story?”
  2. Customize it. The Enneagram teaches us that different folks need different strokes. Or, in this case, different interior reframes and conversational supplements. For example, an Eight Challenger could see that their simple story of “undermining” relates to their own unacknowledged vulnerability. In conversation, it would be useful to interrupt their colleague less, inquire more, and explicitly test assumptions. None of this would be useful for a Two Helper. That person would be better off connecting the story of “undermining” to their own resentment from unexpressed needs. They can practice making clear requests, stating explicitly what they need, and responding to requests by saying “no” or counteroffering.
  3. Do conversation drills. Make it more likely you’ll interact skillfully with your colleague through deliberate practice. Conversation skills don’t grow on trees. You build them by practicing repetitively with deep focus and an intention to improve. You can do this off to the side in a dedicated practice session with a friend or mentor. Or you can do this in the middle of a meeting—what I call on-the-job practice.

Here’s what’s so cool about this. You’re bringing it all together. Create a new simple story. Check. Make this actionable through conversation supplements. Check. Customize everything to your Enneagram type. Check. Practice these conversation skills multiple times every day, both on and off the job. Ditto.

When you build on Jennifer’s brilliant advice in these ways, guess what happens? You get to bring your full mojo to the table. You get to expand the capacity for perspective-taking within you. You get to build important skills outside of you.

Why “aha” moments need conversation supplements (Jan. 22, 2020 issue)

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Hi friends,

This week I introduce the notion of conversation supplements and describe how I’m correcting a category error I’ve made in my work.

“Aha” moments need conversation supplements

You read an article about how to grow as a leader, something that resonates. There are now three of these in my Linked In feed: the power of diverse voices, “take a wrecking ball to your company’s iconic practices,” and why emotional intelligence matters more in hiring than technical skill.

“That’s it!” you say to yourself. “That’s so true.”

Your mind is alive and your heart abuzz. This is an “aha” moment.

Then a few weeks pass. Something reminds you of that article, so you go back and reread it. This time, your experience is different. The article’s core idea still strikes a chord, but this time you ask: how can I put this into action? The insight hasn’t changed, but now you want something more: action. What can you dowith the amazing insight? The article has little to offer.

The “aha” isn’t wrong, just incomplete. Like skis without poles or a basketball without an air pump. What the “aha” needs is a supplement—in this case, one that makes it actionable.

That’s what we’re doing here. We’re in the supplements business. Instead of selling Vitamin D for bones or Melatonin for sleep, I’m offering supplements for leadership. Action happens through conversation, so what you’re getting are conversation supplements.

Consider three categories of supplements: speaking, listening, and day architecture (who you talk with, when these conversations happen, and what you do before and after them). In my conversation pantry are hundreds of supplements in these categories. Here’s a sampling:

  • Supplements for speaking:  elements of powerful offers, four ways to respond to requests, framing difficult conversations, possibility conversations for shifting mood, flipping complaints to commitments, “My Assessment, Your Assessment,” and “Help me understand.”
  • Supplements for listening: paraphrasing, clarifying questions, putting distracting thoughts on paper, drinking water, “Two Feet, Five Breaths,” wiggling your toes, and imagining a chord of light connecting your heart with someone else’s (strangely effective).
  • Supplements for day architecture: weekly conversation audits, set times to check email, regular breaks, cancelling or shortening meetings, focused journaling, extended “work sprints” for solo thinking and deep work, sleep hygiene, and restroom visits.

After you start taking supplements, life takes on new forms. You have something to do. When you re-read that article, your thinking shifts. Before it was “I love that idea but what can I do with it?” Now, it’s “Thank you, dear insight, for kicking my new listening practice into gear.”

I’m correcting a “category error”

I think a lot about politics, history, and civic culture. In the final days of 2019, I realized I’ve been making a category error: mixing these interests with leadership development. The reasons were noble enough: to share insights and feel whole. But I now see this as less synthesis than confusing conglomeration. Most of you are here for my leadership ideas and practices, not extended explorations of the fate of liberal democracy or strategies for handling climate change. In the future, I will be correcting this category error by separating these interests. This newsletter will continue to focus on leadership development. If politics enters the picture, it will be directly connected to leadership development. I’ll use other channels to discuss politics, climate, and history. Sound like a good idea? Terrible idea?  If you have strong thoughts either way, let me hear them.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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How to build emotional intelligence while you listen (Jan. 8, 2020 issue)

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Hi friends,

Happy New Year. This week I offer you two tasty and healthy conversational dishes. 

Build emotional intelligence while you listen

“I want to be more emotionally intelligent so I can listen better.”

—Every person who has ever taken a class on the topic

This is backwards. Don’t confuse emotional intelligence for a car you build in the factory and then ship to customers. It isn’t something you carry, fully designed and with a sparkling paint job, into conversation.  Emotional intelligence grows through conversation. You become emotionally intelligent by practicing listening in a real interaction with another human being. There are a lot of ways to do this. 

But before you can practice, you have to get over the fallacy of fakery. The same people who tell you to listen better also have a radar for inauthenticity. This helps prevent bona fide Fakers from manipulating others. But you’re not a Faker. You’re a beginner. What beginners do is practice. It’s awkward. It’s difficult. But you do it to get better.

Start improving your listening by using what I call the on-the-job practice cycle. First you prepare yourself for the conversation (what kind of conversation will this be? What will I be listening for? What could distract me?). Then, while having the conversation, you “go to the balcony” and watch yourself down on stage (How’s my listening now? Is my mind replaying old tapes?) Afterward, you reflect on the conversation (When did I listen well? When did I get distracted?) and perhaps get feedback from others.

Why aren’t we better at listening? The answer is that we forget to practice it. Luckily, every conversation offers you this opportunity. 

Reading history and talking about the future

In a democracy, as in organizations, the future matters yet gets squeezed out by trivial matters. Firefighting substitutes for imagining tomorrow. 

This is why I read history. It reminds me that our lives exist in time, nothing is inevitable, and civilizations and organizations are fragile. In short: choices matter. 

For example, the supremacy of the iPhone wasn’t divinely ordained. Its rise partly stemmed from the fall of the Blackberry, a story not only of technology but also of leadership and interpersonal dynamics. 

Consider, too, the political (and cultural, and climate, and leadership, and foreign policy, and…) crises we face in my country, the United States. We can’t get out of them by merely resisting, nor by burying our heads in the sand or throwing up our hands in confusion. We need conversations about the future, particularly focused on what’s possible. Otherwise, we end up caught in what Yale historian Timothy Snyder calls the “politics of eternity,” where demagogues rule, private life shrinks, and you lose your freedom strut. (The freedom strut is a term I just invented for how you walk when you aren’t worried someone is going to report you to the authorities. It’s a privilege much of the world doesn’t have.)

At recent holiday parties, I asked people two questions: What will you do if Mr. Trump wins? What will you do if he loses? Nobody had much to say about either scenario. But this is the type of imagining that in our politics and organizations we need more, not less, of.

Such is the irony of history. It’s about the past, but it reminds us to have conversations about the future. This is why I just finished my third reading of Thinking the Twentieth Century by Tony Judt and Timothy Snyder and am now immersed in Marci Shore’s The Taste of Ashes: The Afterlife of Totalitarianism in Eastern Europe. 

Did I mention that possibility conversations are useful in every area of your life, that you can develop this skill through deliberate practice? I’ll read the history if you do the practice. Deal?
Cheerfully real,
Amiel HandelsmanP.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Why pausing makes you smarter (Dec. 18, 2019 issue)

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Hi friends,

The other day, I was minding my own business, thinking small thoughts devoid of insight or humor, when I came across this quote from a writer claiming to be my taller, stronger younger brother. As you’ll see, it’s the perfect lead in for today’s email.

“I always say “yes” — even when no one is asking a question, or speaking, or physically near me.”

—Alex Baia, in McSweeneys

Saying yes to an unclear request is like eating food blindfolded

You’re expected to take an action, but you don’t know what you’re dealing with, why it’s coming your way, or what will happen if you follow through.

Now you know the first thing to do when someone makes a request of you. Ask yourself: is it clear what they want and when they want it by? If not, ask them to clarify.

Clarifying requests for the win!

Pausing makes you powerful

You can achieve incredible breakthroughs by pausing before you speak. Just one short pause! There may be no better way to idiot proof your emotional intelligence. Consider:

  • That thing you predicted would go wrong did go wrong. You feel these words emerging from your body: Why didn’t you listen to me the first time? Then a lightbulb goes on inside your head: There I go again, doing the grumpy devil’s advocate thing. You bite your tongue and take three deep breaths. Moment of arrogant indignation averted.
  • Your teammate is describing why she thinks a new customer strategy may fail. She’s smart and persuasive, but you think she’s forgetting a important fact. You lean forward and move your hands into the I’m interrupting you position. The guy next to you shoots you an evil look. The message is clear: Hey, buddy, you don’t have the floor. Hold your fire. You realize this is one of those moments when the good guy keeps listening. You wiggle your toes to discharge energy and keep your mouth shut. A small win for the new bro code.
  • Tall Guy from a different business unit asks you to do him a favor. It involves undermining a colleague who recently undermined you. Eye for an eye, right? You nod your head up and down and are about to verbalize this Yes. Then something surprising happens. Your hands start sweating and you feel a dull throbbing pain in your neck. What are these sensations all about? It’s hard to tell, but they’re sending you a signal. Hold your horses! Instead of saying “Yes”, you pull a Jedi Leadership Trick out of your pocket: the paraphrase. “Let me make sure I understand what you’re asking: you’d like me to________.” When your colleague hears this request reflected back to him, something shifts. “On second thought,” he tells you. “Cancel that favor.”

It’s interesting to see what big effects these little shifts in your conversational routine can have.

Listening better is like fixing a clogged toilet

You can’t fix a clogged toilet by flushing it harder. You have to remove the obstacle. Listening is the same way. The best way to listen better isn’t to stretch each ear open two millimeters more or turn your head 15 degrees. It’s to eliminate the things that are blocking you from listening.

Here’s the thing about obstacles to listening. There aren’t a thousand of them. A relatively small number of obstacles clog people’s listening over and over again. In a probability cloud, you’d find one or two showing up most often.

This is another area where the Enneagram shines. Each Enneagram type has its own patented obstacles to listening. For One/Perfectionist, it’s the urge to be right. For Eight/Challenger, it’s the avoidance of vulnerability. For Nine/Peacemaker, it’s keeping the peace.

That’s the great thing about identifying the key obstacle to your listening. Once you identify it, you can remove it.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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