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Promises

Seven pivotal conversations to have this week with colleagues and family

Seven pivotal conversations to have this week with colleagues and family

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Dear Friends,

Surreal and uncertain times call for deep attention to what conversations we have, with whom, and why.  Here are seven conversations you may find valuable having with your family, team, and colleagues this week while working from home.

Hit Reply and let me know what you think or which you may try.

When under stress, I turn to humor

Stephen Colbert did a monologue from his bathtub. My instinctual response was to create two things for the first time:

  1. A guide to mansplaining in an era of the coronavirus. Forget about me as the host of an interview series on women in leadership. Here I play the clueless and offensive mansplainer. Currently available only on request.
  2. A Public Service Announcement. This one I’ll share with you: “Six feet apart or six feet under. The choice is yours.”

Seven pivotal conversations to have this week with colleagues and family

1. “What matters conversations”

In stressful times, this is the one you’re most likely to skip. Please don’t. The “what matters conversation” involves slowing down and talking about what’s important to member of your family or team right now. Doing this has two benefits. First, it forces you—and everyone else—to pause and reflect on what you care about and what concerns you. Second, it helps you know what new worlds you are now speaking into. The child, spouse, or teammate in front of you today is in some ways a different person from the one of only a week ago. The key is to carve out time, say 30-60 minutes, go around the circle/screen, let each person share, and ask clarifying questions to understand.

2. “Possibility conversations”

This is where you explore “what if” scenarios without any pressure to commit. A few weeks ago, my wife and I had a possibility conversation around the question, “What if one of us had to self-quarantine for two weeks?” Last Thursday, we had one around, “What if we were to go to the mountain for the day for cross-country skiing?” In the workplace, you might have possibility conversations around scheduling daily 5 minute check-ins with each person on your team, canceling a planned initiative, or opening up a new collaboration with a division with whom suddenly you have vested interests. Again, this conversation is not a time to make requests or offer to do things. Stick with exploring “what if.”

3. New requests

Great, your team has had a positive possibility conversation around scheduling daily one-on-ones. The more you’ve listen, the more you like the idea. Now, you can take this possibility into action by making a new request: “I’d like to ask each of you, by 6pm today, to schedule a daily 5 min check-in with me between 8am and 5pm PST starting tomorrow and continuing through March 31.” Remember that an effective request has a clear What, When, and Why. And it only becomes a promise when the other person accepts. So consider ending your request by asking each person, “Would you be willing to do this?”

4. New offers

In a “what matters conversation” with your spouse, you realized that she really needs 2-3 hours alone in a quiet house. So you now look at your schedule, hers, and the kids,’ and make an offer. “Tomorrow, from 4 to 6pm, I’d be willing to take the kids on a long bike ride so you can have the house to yourself. Would you like me to do this?”

5. “You can say no or counteroffer”

If you want people to give real Yes’s, you have to make it safe for them to say No or propose a different timeline or outcome. I learned this when I was 22 years old and working for a senior health care leader—a guru of sorts who managed big budgets and testified before Congress. “Amiel,” he would say, “I’d like to ask you to do something. You can say no.” Hearing this surprising statement forced me to think—to not blindly agree but instead assess whether or not I could commit to what he was asking and the deadline. This gave me more freedom (which I liked) and raised the odds of my promises being reliable (which he liked). Every time we went through this, I matured a bit. The “you can say no or counteroffer” conversation is most important when making requests to people who have less authority than you and/or habitually say Yes.

6. Renegotiation of commitments 

Everyone has been moving face to face conversations to virtual.  Our family has also been shifting play dates to Zoom. These are examples of what I call “renegotiating commitments.” You can renegotiate the What and/or the When. Two tips:

  • Start with the phrase, “I’d like to renegotiate our agreement to___” because (a) it signals what’s kind of conversation you’d like to have and (b) it reminds you and them that your relationships rises and falls based on the quality of your commitments to each other.
  • End with “Would this work for you?” Just as it takes two to make a commitment, it takes two to renegotiate one.

 7. Cancellation of commitments with integrity

The past few days have witnessed the most momentous cancellation of commitments in my lifetime. Have you noticed that some people and organizations are better at this than others? Canceling commitments as soon as you realize you can’t deliver—and doing this skillfully—is important for two reasons: first, it allows the “customers” of these commitments to reassess the situation and explore other ways of getting their needs met; second, it preserves trust in the relationship. In my unpublished book Reliable Results (email me if you want a copy), I suggest three steps in canceling commitments with integrity

  • Explicitly cancel. “I will no longer be able to_____ as I had promised.”
  • Provide the context or rationale
  • Make it clear you are open to new requests now or in the future (to the extent this is true)

I hope these are helpful!

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Putting yourself in their shoes is a conversational skill you can practice

Putting yourself in their shoes is a conversational skill you can practice

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In the last newsletter, I introduced the concept of “conversation supplements.” These are specific ways of speaking and listening that put good leadership advice into action.

Now it’s time for an example!

The wise teacher I’m supplementing this week is Jennifer Garvey Berger, a frequent guest on my podcast. In a recent blog post, Jennifer describes why you get trapped in “simple stories” and how to get untrapped. She gives the example of a work colleague you think is undermining you. This thought is a simple story, one that likely limits you and the relationship. Jennifer suggests you put yourself in that person’s shoes by asking yourself, “How is this (annoying and frustrating) person a hero?” The idea isn’t to kill your simple story but acknowledge  that it’s simple and complement it with a different simple story. That way, you capture more complexity and expand your perspective-taking.

It’s a brilliant approach, one used by thousands of leaders.

Think of it as the tastiest salmon in town.

Now let’s supplement that salmon with three side dishes.

  1. Make the advice even more actionable. Jennifer’s advice involves an interior reframe: thinking differently. Let’s carry this into your conversations. What different words would you use while speaking with your colleague—and about her? How might you shift your posture and tone? What new declarations (e.g. “I value our relationship” or “My success depends on yours”) would you make to her? Might you respond differently to past requests you declined? How about inviting her into a conversation practice I call “My Side of the Story, Your Side of the Story?”
  2. Customize it. The Enneagram teaches us that different folks need different strokes. Or, in this case, different interior reframes and conversational supplements. For example, an Eight Challenger could see that their simple story of “undermining” relates to their own unacknowledged vulnerability. In conversation, it would be useful to interrupt their colleague less, inquire more, and explicitly test assumptions. None of this would be useful for a Two Helper. That person would be better off connecting the story of “undermining” to their own resentment from unexpressed needs. They can practice making clear requests, stating explicitly what they need, and responding to requests by saying “no” or counteroffering.
  3. Do conversation drills. Make it more likely you’ll interact skillfully with your colleague through deliberate practice. Conversation skills don’t grow on trees. You build them by practicing repetitively with deep focus and an intention to improve. You can do this off to the side in a dedicated practice session with a friend or mentor. Or you can do this in the middle of a meeting—what I call on-the-job practice.

Here’s what’s so cool about this. You’re bringing it all together. Create a new simple story. Check. Make this actionable through conversation supplements. Check. Customize everything to your Enneagram type. Check. Practice these conversation skills multiple times every day, both on and off the job. Ditto.

When you build on Jennifer’s brilliant advice in these ways, guess what happens? You get to bring your full mojo to the table. You get to expand the capacity for perspective-taking within you. You get to build important skills outside of you.

Why pausing makes you smarter (Dec. 18, 2019 issue)

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Hi friends,

The other day, I was minding my own business, thinking small thoughts devoid of insight or humor, when I came across this quote from a writer claiming to be my taller, stronger younger brother. As you’ll see, it’s the perfect lead in for today’s email.

“I always say “yes” — even when no one is asking a question, or speaking, or physically near me.”

—Alex Baia, in McSweeneys

Saying yes to an unclear request is like eating food blindfolded

You’re expected to take an action, but you don’t know what you’re dealing with, why it’s coming your way, or what will happen if you follow through.

Now you know the first thing to do when someone makes a request of you. Ask yourself: is it clear what they want and when they want it by? If not, ask them to clarify.

Clarifying requests for the win!

Pausing makes you powerful

You can achieve incredible breakthroughs by pausing before you speak. Just one short pause! There may be no better way to idiot proof your emotional intelligence. Consider:

  • That thing you predicted would go wrong did go wrong. You feel these words emerging from your body: Why didn’t you listen to me the first time? Then a lightbulb goes on inside your head: There I go again, doing the grumpy devil’s advocate thing. You bite your tongue and take three deep breaths. Moment of arrogant indignation averted.
  • Your teammate is describing why she thinks a new customer strategy may fail. She’s smart and persuasive, but you think she’s forgetting a important fact. You lean forward and move your hands into the I’m interrupting you position. The guy next to you shoots you an evil look. The message is clear: Hey, buddy, you don’t have the floor. Hold your fire. You realize this is one of those moments when the good guy keeps listening. You wiggle your toes to discharge energy and keep your mouth shut. A small win for the new bro code.
  • Tall Guy from a different business unit asks you to do him a favor. It involves undermining a colleague who recently undermined you. Eye for an eye, right? You nod your head up and down and are about to verbalize this Yes. Then something surprising happens. Your hands start sweating and you feel a dull throbbing pain in your neck. What are these sensations all about? It’s hard to tell, but they’re sending you a signal. Hold your horses! Instead of saying “Yes”, you pull a Jedi Leadership Trick out of your pocket: the paraphrase. “Let me make sure I understand what you’re asking: you’d like me to________.” When your colleague hears this request reflected back to him, something shifts. “On second thought,” he tells you. “Cancel that favor.”

It’s interesting to see what big effects these little shifts in your conversational routine can have.

Listening better is like fixing a clogged toilet

You can’t fix a clogged toilet by flushing it harder. You have to remove the obstacle. Listening is the same way. The best way to listen better isn’t to stretch each ear open two millimeters more or turn your head 15 degrees. It’s to eliminate the things that are blocking you from listening.

Here’s the thing about obstacles to listening. There aren’t a thousand of them. A relatively small number of obstacles clog people’s listening over and over again. In a probability cloud, you’d find one or two showing up most often.

This is another area where the Enneagram shines. Each Enneagram type has its own patented obstacles to listening. For One/Perfectionist, it’s the urge to be right. For Eight/Challenger, it’s the avoidance of vulnerability. For Nine/Peacemaker, it’s keeping the peace.

That’s the great thing about identifying the key obstacle to your listening. Once you identify it, you can remove it.

Cheerfully real,
Amiel Handelsman

P.S. Did someone forward this issue to you? I’d love to have you join us by signing up here.

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Four ways to ask for a promotion with vastly different results

Four ways to ask for a promotion with vastly different results

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Ask for a promotion if you aren’t offered one

You don’t ask for a promotion because you want your boss to offer it to you. Getting offered a promotion feels great. She does the hard thinking. You don’t have to go to her, because she comes to you. And you are now in the driver’s seat. No wonder so many people wait for this to happen.

But waiting requires patience, and who in our world has time for patience? (You know I’m joking, right?). Plus your boss may never make the offer. She may not know you want a promotion. Or she thinks the perfect time for it is next year, after you’ve completed that massive project everyone is talking about. Or she has 99 other things on her mind, including things you’ve asked her for. Plus, she is the kind of person who asks for what she wants. You haven’t asked for a promotion, so you must not really want it.

That brings us to the second method for getting a promotion: asking for it. I call this a request.

Not all requests are created equal. Some are likely to get you what you want. Others will give you things you don’t want and never expected. Occasionally this will turn out in a good way. More often, as my late grandmother would say, not so much!

The illustration above shows four very different results of asking for a promotion. I’ll walk you through them in a moment. But first, we need to introduce an equation that will make your life better.

Remember this equation when you ask for a promotion

Your goal isn’t to ask for a promotion, but to get one. You want a promise. And a request can be many things, but one thing it is not is a promise. That requires something more. Which leads us to our equation:

Request + Acceptance = Promise

This isn’t calculus, but the math matters. To get a promise of a promotion, asking isn’t enough. You need your boss to accept the request. She needs to say Yes.

I can hear you saying, “This is so simple.” It is.

I can imagine you thinking, “Amiel, you are insulting my intelligence.” I am.

And I know what you want to remind me. That a lot more than Yes can happen between the request for promotion and the promise. There can be negotiation, clarifying questions, long pauses to think, counteroffers, checking in with other stakeholders, and various power moves like the single raised eyebrow, which is hard to do but brutally effective.

But here’s the thing. Every single day, smart and savvy people forget this equation—or act as though it doesn’t exist. Either they fail to make the request or they forget to create a request that their boss can accept.

So, the first thing is to make the request—to ask for a promotion. You have to speak. Second, you need to make an effective request. You could be introverted or extraverted. You could be soft-spoken or carry an oomph in your voice. In every case, it helps to speak clearly. This means being two things:

  1. Clear about what kind of promotion you want
  2. Specific about when you want it

I call these the What and the When.

We all know there is much more to asking for a promotion than the What and the When. There is thinking carefully about what work you actually want to do and what title you want to carry, assessing your capacity, framing the request (the Why), timing it (when your boss is in good spirits), identifying your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement), considering who else will be impacted if you’re successful, and preparing for the conversation. It’s far more complex than what and when.

However, I’ve been consulting since 1993, and consultants are required to use four-quadrant diagrams. So, for, now we’ll stick with two variables: the What and the When.

Three ineffective ways to ask for a promotion

The illustration above shows the four possible scenarios that can result when you ask for a promotion. Three of these you generally want to avoid:

  • If you’re unclear about what you want, yet specific about when you want it (e.g. “I’d like to take on a larger scope”), then you get more responsibility and headache but with the same title and no more pay. Yuck.
  • If you’re clear about what you want, yet vague about when you want it, then you stay in the same position until the day you either retire or die. Important side note: some people want this to be the same day, but I recommend against that. Die or retire, but for heaven’s sake, don’t do them at the same time.
  • If you’re unclear about what you want and vague about when you want it, your boss gets frustrated with your entire personality and sends you to assertiveness training. Which is fine, except if the instructor doesn’t teach you the importance of What and When. If this happens, the next time you ask for a promotion, you’ll utter the same confusing nonsense but with a clear, rich, powerful voice.

Want a bigger, better job? Ask for a promotion like this

By now you’ve mastered the math of the promotion—or at least peeked at the above illustration—so the fourth scenario is easy.

You are clear about what you want and specific about when you want it.

Plus you’re boss has the desire, status, and budget to do her part.

The result? You get promoted to a bigger, better job.

This is what you want. This is what you longed for. So, yes, if you want to send me a Thank You note, I will read it and smile.

There is one caveat to all this: I can’t guarantee that getting the promotion will make you any happier. You might hate the new job. You might distrust the new boss. You might feel overwhelmed by all the new money you’re making (OK, probably not this, unless it’s a lot of money). But my diagram doesn’t include the word “happy,” so for now, we’ll assume that this concept doesn’t exist.

How you ask for a promotion is relevant to everything you want in life

Things happen in the world when people make commitments to each other. When they make promises.

So if you want people to promise you things that you want, remember these points:

  • A promise starts with either a request or an offer. If there’s no request or offer, there’s no promise—and you don’t get what you want.
  • If nobody is offering you what you want, consider what request you could make (and to whom—which is a topic for another day)
  • Your request doesn’t automatically lead to a promise. The other person needs to say Yes.
  • The other person is more likely to say Yes if your request is effective.
  • An effective request includes, among other elements, a clear What and specific When

What request—for a promotion or anything else—will you be making today?

No More Feedback With Carol Sanford (Episode 103)

No More Feedback With Carol Sanford (Episode 103)

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This week, contrarian business thought leader Carol Sanford joins me to discuss her new book, No More Feedback.

If the title strikes you as both surprising and unnerving, welcome to the club. Within organizations giving and receiving feedback are widely considered noble acts. Although we may not be competent at feedback, we know it’s a good thing—key to personal growth and leadership development.

Carol says, “no, not really.”

In her view, any effort to ask another person where I am strong or how I could improve is intrinsically harmful, even toxic. For this reason she offers a harsh critique of annual performance reviews, competency models, and 360 degree interviews. The damage they cause is so profound (e.g. rewarding conformity, shifting attention from big promises, encouraging confirmation bias, and reducing self-reflection) and the foundation upon which they are based is so flawed that it’s foolish to tweak them.

Instead, Carol argues, get rid of feedback entirely.

Three things I learned in talking with Carol:

  1. I share her assessment of most of the activities that she calls “feedback.”
  2. When I use the term “feedback”—for example, as one of four steps in the on-the-job-practice cycle—I’m talking about something that Carol does not consider feedback because the person requesting it is authoring their own learning.
  3. I can stay grounded while listening to someone critique a practice near and dear to my heart, as Carol does with the Enneagram. In fact, it’s kind of fun.

Have a listen, and tell me what you think.

Highlights

  • 10:00 Humans as machines, the first seedbed of feedback
  • 17:00 Three foundational capacities of people to cultivate
  • 24:30 Jerry, a contrarian at Weyerhaeuser pushed out for not conforming
  • 32:00 Feedback raises anxiety
  • 41:00 Opportunities to self-reflect can break attachment to 360 feedback
  • 49:00 Why modifying feedback systems doesn’t work: the premise is flawed
  • 54:00 Carol only has people assess themselves in relation to a big promise they are making in the world
  • 1:02:00 Carol’s work with Seventh Generation when it was in the red
  • 1:12:00 Perils of low fat diet, benefits of intermittent fasting

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Episode 89: GTD And Promise-Based Management With Michael Dolan

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In this week’s episode, Michael Dolan and I show you how to bring about the results you want in life by combining two powerful action frameworks: Getting Things Done (GTD) and promise-based management.

GTD, also known as workflow coaching, helps you manage agreements with yourself. David Allen, my guest on episode 13, outlined this model in his mega bestselling book, Getting Things Done. Michael has been bringing this approach to executives and senior professionals for many years.

Promise-based management helps you manage commitments with others. I heard about it 20 years ago, gave my first talk about it in 2003, and enjoy introducing it to clients. It has been one of the principal themes of this podcast. Many of you heard the integral mashup I did on this topic several months ago.

The question Michael and I explore today is this: what happens when you integrate both frameworks into your day-to-day work life? What becomes possible when you become adept at managing agreements with yourself using GTD and skilled at managing commitments with others using promise-based management?

Neither of us promises you will become superhuman or super-happy.

Then again, nor do we claim these are out of reach!

But seriously, I enjoyed rolling up my sleeves with Michael. Join us as we dig in below the level of concepts to explore specific behaviors you can start practicing today when you combine these powerful frameworks.

Highlights

  • 12:00 How can promises from a 1-on-1 meeting end up in your inbox?
  • 18:00 Processing items at your desk when you’re confused about who promised what
  • 24:00 It’s easier to process (“What is this?”) when you’ve already discussed this with others
  • 30:00 Check your “delegated project” list at the end of a meeting
  • 37:00 Asking the other person to promise to bring up a topic in three months
  • 41:00 You saying “no” to me could help me renegotiate agreements with myself!
  • 47:00 You thought they were going to produce a brochure. They thought they agreed to get it approved.
  • 52:00 What if you don’t trust others to manage their promises?
  • 59:00 Why Michael is in awe of the volume of work his clients manage

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Guaranteed Miscoordination of Action [Drawing]

Guaranteed Miscoordination of Action [Drawing]

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This is the second in a series of drawings that illustrate key principles from my podcast and writings.

In this case, “miscoordination” is a shorter way of saying “everything gets screwed up.” Which, sometimes, it does. Now, wouldn’t it be nice if you could make this happen less often—if things could consistently go smoothly?

What else do you want to know about this topic?